McCain Calls for Waterboarding Clemens

In a stunning move designed to make his candidacy more appealing to pro-torture conservatives, Sen. John McCain has called for the waterboarding of Cy Young Award winning pitcher Roger Clemens, who testified before Congress that he’d never taken steroids.

“We’ll get the truth out of this punk one way or another,” said McCain, who had formerly prohibited torture for any reason.

McCain said he would still prohibit waterboarding for terrorists and those plotting to kill Americans but in the case of Clemens he’ll make an exception. “This is baseball we’re talking about,” said McCain. “We’re not just talking about some loser blowing up a mall or something like that.”

Many conservatives in Congress cheered the move and a waterboarding session for Clemens will force the rescheduling of approving nominees to the federal bench, a health care bill, and a vote on President Bush’s tax cuts.

Asked for a comment on McCain’s turnaround on waterboarding, Democratic hopeful Barack Obama said, “We must remember the past while marching boldly together into the future.”

Asked what that meant Obama said, “Our hope is in change and the change is hope.”