The Dismaying News of a New Birth

Catholic conservative blogger Matt Archbold and his wife were reportedly pleased to deliver their fifth child into the world today despite ongoing crises of overpopulation, global warming, and the near eradication of the New England tit-mouse.

Secularists across the country were horrified at news of the new baby. “The problem we have with Matt’s decision to have a baby is that he was essentially one Catholic nutjob on his own,” said one Democratic Senate staffer. “Now there’s five more conservative Catholics and nobody on our side is having babies.”

Some militant secularists are calling for “a fix” to this problem including abortion options up until kindergarten or child swapping. “The problem is not that…(hiccup) Matt is having children it’s essentially that (hiccup) he’s raising them,” said Christopher Hitchens, renowned atheist. “I believe it should be a law that if nutjob Christians have any more than three children they have to give those children to atheists and secularists to raise…(hiccup)

Planned Parenthood official Ivana Muerte said she didn’t understand why the situation persisted. “We get state money. We get federal money. We get undisclosed grants from billionaires but every time I go outside there’s more babies,” she said. “I’ve had twelve abortions. I’m doing my part.”

Even some local theologians said they were dismayed over the news. “That baby is just one more person’s name on the list requesting the Latin Mass,” said Reese McBrien SJ. “One more baby pulling us back into the Dark Ages.”

Pictures of Matt and his wife smiling have been doctored all over the blogosphere and even on Rosie O’Donnell’s gay cruise. When asked about the controversy Matt responded, “What?”