The Ineffables – Scene 1

I have heard that many bloggers secretly want to be novelists. Not me, I want to be a screenwriter. Here is the first scene of my first screenplay. Tell me if you think I have a future…

Narrator
Heroes of a long forgotten generation, The Ineffables are determined to stave off irrelevance by attempting, yet again, to thwart their perennially unvanquished foe, the evil Traditional Sin-drome. Suffused with self righteousness, these unsullied heroes are determined to bring the enemy to the gibbet, and finally undo the centuries of evil that Traditional Sin-drome has wrought. We find our heroes, Mr. & Mrs. Ineffable and little Dicky at home having dinner.

Mrs. Ineffable
Little Dicky got sent to the principal’s office today. He almost got caught dissenting again today.

Mr. Ineffable [Looking at Dicky]
You dissented and got away with it? Cool!! [Mrs. I shoots a withering glance at Mr. I] Uh … I mean, not cool. Dicky, how many times have we told you that when you dissent, you have to be sure that they can never prove it! You have to dissent by asking endless questions, but never ever answering them. You can’t blow your cover.

Dicky
I know Dad, but I didn’t get caught and I think I got the teacher to start questioning his faith!

Mrs. I
Regardless Dicky, you can’t take chances. Do you remember what happened to former member of the League of Dissent Peter Phan? He played fast and loose with the rules and blew his cover. I still shiver when I think of what happened to him.

Mr I
Listen Dicky, if you get sent to the principal’s office again I am going to have to ground you.

Dicky
I don’t recognize your authority to ground me. I have never recognized your authority to ground me. And since I have never recognized your authority that proves that you never had that authority in the first place! My unsullied disregard of your authority thwarts any claim of authority you might make. As I said in a paper I wrote in first grade…

Mr & Mrs I Together
DICKY!

Mr. I
What have we told you about quoting yourself? You are always doing that and I just can’t take it anymore. Plus, what have I told you about using words such as unsullied and thwart? Hmm? Haven’t we talked about how nobody is smart enough to understand big words like that? Haven’t I taught you anything?

Dicky
But Dad, I heard a kindergartner use one of those words just the other day and ..

Mrs. I
Dicky, I have heard just about enough. Listen to your Father or I will take away your collection of Vatican II and Consilium action figures.

Dicky
This Stinks! You told me to always question authority but now I am supposed to listen to you? That’s not fair!

Mr. I
I meant question other people’s authority, not mine. Anyway, can’t we just enjoy dinner?

Mrs. I [Turning toward Mr. I]
You look stressed. Tough day at the office?

Mr. I
Yeah, news just came down that Traditional Sin-drome is making progress everywhere. Some of those translations we have been fighting against just got approved, orthodox convents are filling up with his evil and pure little minions, and don’t even mention all these people attending that old forgotten and useless liturgy said in a dead language that we thought we killed a generation ago. We had a meeting today at the League of Dissent trying to figure out what to do, but we are at a loss. Sure, we continue to write our columns and we own the universities, but no one seems to listen to us anymore.

Mrs. I
As I have told you a million times, the League of Dissent is dominated by a bunch of patriarchal and sexist bureaucrats. If you would just let me and some other women run things for while, we would destroy Traditional Sin-drome in a heartbeat. I am telling you, all the great successes of the past came from us. Contraception, that was ours. Abortion, we don’t like to talk about that one as much, but that was ours. What did you guys do? Liberation theology and nuclear disarmament? Yeah nice. How did those things work out, huh? I am serious, next time we go into battle with Traditional Sin-drome, I want to be Mr. Ineffable!

Mr. I
Not this again! We talked about this, how can you be Mr. Ineffable? I am Mr. Ineffable and … and … you are a girl!

Mrs. I
I can’t believe you said that! I can be Mr. Ineffable if I want to be. Who says I can’t? A bunch of sexist bigots, that’s who! And don’t you ever call me a “girl” again!

Mr. I
But you are a girl and that was your name before we started living together, Agnosti-girl!

Mrs. I
I told you never to call me that again! I was Agnosti-person!

Mr. I
Agnosti-person is a stupid name for a hero! Whether you like it or not you are a girl, and your name was Agnosti-girl!

Mrs. I
Well, I am going to have my name legally changed to Mr. Ineffable. What do you think about that you sexist pig?

Mr. I
Just because you call yourself Mr. Ineffable doesn’t mean that you will actually “be” Mr. Ineffable! This is the stupidest conversation I have ever had.

Mrs. I [Dancing around]
I am Mr Ineffable! I am Mr Ineffable! I am Mr Ineffable!

Mr. I
Will you just sit down?

Dicky
I guess Mom doesn’t recognize your authority either…

[Doorbell Rings and everyone freezes!]

NEXT SCENE – A NEW THREAT