NY Mets Too Big To Fail?

The New York Mets are suffering a stunning late season collapse once again. Leading by three games just a week ago, they are now a game-and-a half behind the first place Phillies and without a drastic change, the Mets could be shut out of the playoffs altogether.

This historic collapse is seen by some as warranting a government bailout of the Mets…before things get worse.

The collapse brings to mind the epic catastrophe last year where the Mets were seven games up with just two weeks left in the season and then went on to lose game after game and finally falling out of the playoffs with a loss on the last game of the year.

But now the Mets are petitioning the federal government for funds to hire relief pitchers. “If we collapse and don’t make the playoffs again, thousands of hearts will be broken. Think of the children” said one Mets front office executive. “Think of the seniors who’ve been waiting over twenty years for us to win the World Series.”

Other sources say the team not making the playoffs would affect local vendors as well. “When there’s no game I don’t make any money,” said a man who identified himself as Tony and runs a parking lot near the stadium. Local sandwich makers said that perhaps a ton of pastrami would rot in area delicatessens without playoff games to boost sales.

The Mets salary this year is $137,793,376. In comparison, the first place Phillies have a mere $98,269,880 yearly salary. These stunning numbers have led many experts to argue that the Mets are just too big to fail. “If the Mets don’t make the playoffs, the damage to New York would be so grisly that I can’t even discuss it. In the end, the entire country would be hurt.”

The Mets have asked the federal government to either see its way clear to pony up a few million so the Mets could hire a relief pitcher that doesn’t give up a home run every third pitch or just assign a decent reliever to the Mets. If that proves impossible, some are speculating that the government could temporarily reward the Mets four outs during their turn at bat so they could score more runs.

Baseball purists are saying that it violates every foundational principle of competitive sport to bail out the Mets. However, realists say that this is not a time for ideology but action. Something has to be done, and when something must be done a blank check from the government is the only answer.

Other pundits chime in saying that we cannot wait. “Action must be taken immediately! Former members of the Montreal Expos are laughing at us, it is just embarrassing.”

Barack Obama has announced that he is still formulating a plan and will get back to us in a few weeks with his proposal. The Obama campaign pointed out that Obama has always been a Cubs fan (even when he lived in Indonesia) and that the Cubs were the first team to clinch the playoffs this year. The New York Times is also reporting that Sarah Palin is being investigated for her ties to the New York Mets. The DailyKos is reporting that her former rival in a mayoral race has accused her of being a closet Mets fan (since Alaska is so small and backward they don’t even have a team.) Also, Palin’s computer was hacked and her internet cache shows that she frequently checked the Mets score on ESPN.com.

Even though John McCain is on record suggesting back in May that the Mets needed to bolster their bull-pen, polling suggests that the NY Mets collapse strongly favors the Obama camp. ABC / Washington Post plan to conduct a poll in a few days that will support this claim.

Congress is now expected to hold hearings on the unusual request but the Mets say that if the hearings last over two days, it will be too late. “Well, at least then we can blame Congress and not ourselves,” said one Mets player.