Martin Luther, We Hardly Knew Ye

Archeologists are doing a dig at the home of none other than Martin Luther. Now I have never been a fan of the man who split the Church. But after this reading some of this new research, I feel like we could have been friends, BFF’s even. Here is what I have gleaned.

Marty, I call him Marty ’cause we peeps now, Marty (like me) was not a cat person.

The church has called “religiously irrelevant” the evidence that the peace-loving family used to throw dead cats into the rubbish bin…

He, also like me, was a bit of a tubbo.

Despite the widespread belief that Luther lived in poverty, evidence suggests he was a well-fed man – weighing in at a hefty 150kg (23st 8lb) when he died in 1546 at the age of 63.

Whoa! 150Kg? That is one hefty heretic. He should have gone on “The Biggest Loser: Schismatic Edition.”

Marty in his youth, again like me, found creative ways to break up with girls so as to avoid the whole “It’s not you, it’s me. Any guy would be lucky to have you. It’s just that I am in a weird place right now,” thing.

But the claim by historians which will arguably be most upsetting for followers is the recently uncovered written evidence that it was not, as thought, a lightning bolt which led to the then 21-year-old’s spontaneous declaration he wanted to become a monk. Rather, it was his desperation to escape an impending arranged marriage.

Last but not least. I surmise that Marty would not have much love for Obama’s tax plan. Marty was rich you see.

Even Luther’s claim that he came from humble circumstances have been dismissed.

New evidence has shown that already as a young man, his father owned land and a copper mill and lent money for interest. His mother was born into an upper middle-class family and it is unlikely, as Luther suggested, that she “carried all her wood on her back”.

The discovery in his boyhood home in Mansfeld of a skittles set made out of cow bones and glass marbles also suggests the family was relatively well to do.

Looking at all the evidence, I think Marty and I could have been home team. Well, except for the whole heresy and excommunication thing.