Damage The Planet to Save Us All!

I’m very busy…Can’t talk long. Just read in the New York Times that an ice age is nigh. We’re doomed. Doomed I say.

You’ve gotta’ help me prevent this. I’m running around my house spraying aerosol cans, the minivan is idling in the driveway, I’ve deflated my tires, turned the air condition on high. Folks, we have to do what we can to heat up the earth. Kickstart global warming. Now! Stop reading this. Get to work causing environmental damage for the good of the planet. I’m also mixing Coke and Pop Rocks to feed some flatulent cows on a farm a few miles away. Anything to heat up the earth, you know. Oh yeah, let the fat lumberjacks from Ax Men into the rain forest. Tell Sting to get out of his treehouse in there. That’ll help.

What’s this? You don’t believe me? What? It’s in the New York Times! The Times of Jayson Blair and Maureen Dowd, for goodness sake. If it’s in the Times it’s written in stone. Well yeah, they were wrong about the whole doomsaying global warming business before but their intentions are good. So they were wrong once about climate change. So what are the chances of that happening twice in a row?

Here’s the story.

A new analysis of the dramatic cycles of ice ages and warm intervals over the past million years, published in Nature, concludes that the climatic swings are the gyrations of a system poised to settle into a quasi-permanent colder state — with expanded ice sheets at both poles.

Someone call Al Gore, tell him to keep flying those jets all around the world. Tell Sarah Palin to drill ANWR. If you’ve ever cared about the Earth, please cause some environmental damage to save the planet.

I’ve gotta’ call my wife now. We’re going to need more CO2 breathing kids. She’s not going to be happy.