Gupta And The Rest of the Talking Heads

President-elect Barack Obama has offered the job of Surgeon General to Dr. Sanjay Gupta, the CNN Medical correspondent for CNN.

So CMR was wondering what other talking heads could be additions to the Obama White House and predicting how that would go.

Sanjay Gupta – Surgeon General – As Surgeon General Gupta continues his demands for a “fat tax” and when that fails he starts rounding up fat people and placing them in camps “for their own good.” Soon, Gupta discovers there are too many fat people for so few camps and Gitmo is reopened. This, of course, ends with the tragedy of the fat people feeling they’re not being fed enough and turning cannibalistic on the guards and the Surgeon General himself who reportedly tasted like goat.

Bill O’Reilly – CIA Chief – Terrorism plummets in America mostly due to O’Reilly’s extremely casual rules regarding torture. Law enforcement is encouraged to torture anyone who’s not giving them “straight talk.” The ACLU disbands and goes into hiding. Dennis Miller guest stars when he’s out of work.

Glenn Beck – Drug Czar? – Because of a sordid past the guy really knows his drugs. He amazingly cleans up the entire country of all drug sources, especially those coming in from Mexico. After he ensures that drug dealers are put in prison for life he then cries and tells stories about his childhood.

Keith Olbermann – Mental Health Czar. In short, lunacy skyrockets nationwide. Seeks to have “conservativism” labeled a mental disorder which precludes them the right to vote. His initiative fails after the Senate vote ties and Joe Biden enters the Senate to break the vote but mistakenly votes the wrong way after boring the Senate with a story that started with, “When I was growing up in Scranton, Pennsylvania…”

Larry King -Department of Aging. King misconstrues his job and seeks funding to start cloning himself for parts so he can prevent aging and live forever. After a few unsuccessful runs, scientists create several Larry Kings who they keep in the lab, but soon all the scientists quit or jump out windows claiming they just can’t listen to all those stupid questions anymore. The other Larry Kings escape, start their own cable shows boring the country six out of seven nights a week, marry, and divorce several times.

Joe Scarborough – Ambassador to UN. If Scarborough can get along with all those lunatics at MSNBC he can get along with anybody.

Anderson Cooper: FCC. In his first month Cooper fines his own show for that unfortunate Kathy Griffin episode and mistakenly bankrupts CNN.

George Stephanopoulos is offered a Cabinet position but decides he’s more useful to the Administration as a biased mouthpiece on ABC.