George Lucas Destroys My Childhood. Again!

I am officially heading to court today to file a restraining order on George Lucas.

I am begging the court for a court order intended to protect me and millions of others from further harm from someone who has hurt us. And let it be known that Lucas has hurt me and millions of others in ways that therapists couldn’t mine out of us with years of in-home counseling.

In order to prevent Lucas from further harassing and abusing the childhood memories of Star Wars fans I beg the court to make this enforceable by law. Please keep this serial abuser from the scene of the violence (namely the Star Wars franchise.) He has offended me and abused me like a white collar criminal in general population. He has soiled my childhood memories by forcing into the public imagination the likes of the Ewoks and the insufferable and likely deranged Jar Jar Binks.

He has made unwatchable movies which are played on endless loops on cable television. He has new Clone Wars cartoons which should only be played on Smell-O-Vision so we would know it by its stink. He has been quoted in newspapers and magazines speaking about deeper meanings and geopolitical references in his movies.

Lucas’ evil has found it way into my home and place of work. And I’m finally standing up and asking…nay…demanding that it stop.

This is a civil order and it does not give the abuser a criminal record so I hope Lucas would submit before the law would have to become proactively involved.

I have amassed seven boxes of evidence against Lucas. But this is just the latest:
NY Times columnist Maureen Dowd reports:

Lucas, the creator of “Star Wars,” had told me that I had gotten Dick Cheney completely wrong, that Cheney was no Darth Vader. I felt awful. Had I been too hard on Vice?

Lucas explained politely as I listened contritely. Anakin Skywalker is a promising young man who is turned to the dark side by an older politician and becomes Darth Vader. “George Bush is Darth Vader,” he said. “Cheney is the emperor.”

I was relieved. In “Star Wars” terms, Dick Cheney was more evil than Darth Vader. I hadn’t been hard enough on Vice!

Lucas was on his way to Europe and didn’t have time to elaborate in person. But he sent me this message confirming our conversation: “You know, Darth Vader is really a kid from the desert planet near Crawford, and the true evil of the universe is the emperor who pulls all the strings.”

Ack! This is the same idiot who said that he originally wrote the whole timeline out when he wrote the original Star Wars. Well, George W. Bush was a nobody back then. Lucas probably hadn’t even heard of Bush’s father back then. So he’s obviously lying. But it’s worse than that, the guy is stuck. He can’t do anything else except keep making sucky version of his original work and every time he gets to feeling that nobody’s paying attention to him he says something else stupid about Star Wars.

I’m asking the court that Lucas be kept away from the Star Wars franchise at least for a year. A cooling off period. Millions of former children will thank this court.