CMR’s 8 Signs of Apocalypse (Vol IX)

Yup, you’re looking at Bacon flavored Vodka. Look. Once we can do that, there’s really nothing left worth doing. That is, unless you really want to get greedy and make something like…

That’s right. Scientists just discovered that our little galaxy tastes like raspberries, according to the UK Telegraph.

Scientists from the Max Planck Institute for Radio Astronomy in Bonn, were searching space for evidence of amino acids: the basic chemicals from which life is created.

They told the Guardian newspaper that, despite failing to locate any such aminos, they did find a substance called ethyl formate, the chemical responsible for the flavour of raspberries.

Honestly. I don’t even know what to say about that. But anytime you find out that the galaxy you’re in tastes like rasberries, you just feel a little more vulnerable. I don’t even know why. But maybe it’s because God made things taste good so they’d be eaten. He made cows taste like steak so we would eat them. And now we find out we taste like raspberries. It’s not good. That’s all I’m sayin’. I would just feel a lot safer if we were in an arugula-tasting galaxy. Man, those guys are probably living large.

Now, I know what you’re saying. Oh Archbolds’. What could possibly eat an entire galaxy. Oh, I don’t know. MAYBE THIS!!!!!!!!!

Says MSNBC:

Supermassive black holes are a mystery. These behemoths can pack the mass of billions of suns, and often lurk in the centers of big galaxies like the Milky Way. But scientists don’t know how they got started nor how they grew so massive.

A new computer model suggests dark gulping is one possible route to forming these monsters. The idea involves invisible dark matter, which is stuff of unknown nature that astronomers know exists because they see its gravitational effects on galaxies.

In this scenario, a large cloud of dark matter could interact with gas to form a dense central mass. Depending on how the dark matter stores heat, this mass could be unstable. A small disturbance might prompt the dark matter to collapse quickly, gulping itself down to create a black hole. Though it would originally be invisible, soon it would gobble down regular matter and gas and, with all that material swirling in and being superheated and luminous, become visible.

No word yet on whether the dark gulping black hole likes strawberries but even if it doesn’t it probably knows another one that does.

McClatchy reports:

WASHINGTON — Robots are gaining on us humans.

Thanks to exponential increases in computer power — which is roughly doubling every two years — robots are getting smarter, more capable, more like flesh-and-blood people…Robots guided by their own computer “brains” now can pick up and peel bananas, land jumbo jets, steer cars through city traffic, search human DNA for cancer genes, play soccer or the violin, find earthquake victims or explore craters on Mars.

OK. Great ideas guys. Let’s see how else some of those useful talents can be used:

Peeling Bananas – They can also peel our skin off as means of torture until the excruciating pain from our exposed nerve endings cause us to tell everything we know about the Resistance fighters planning to take back Earth for the humans.

Land Jumbo Jets – Great! You just made them mobile enough so there’s nowhere in the world to hide from them.

Drive cars – So now they can fly near the resistance hideout and actually rent a car and drive over in one afternoon. Great. The Resistance is falling apart here folks.

Play Soccer – Great. That means they can probably run faster than us and kick things at us when they get close.

Find earthquake victims – Wonderful. They can find people in even the tiniest hidey holes no matter how far underground. Now no place is safe.

Thanks guys. Thanks a lot. I hope at least all these robots are manufactured with an accessible and obvious destruct button.

The Corner: MOUNDSVILLE – Days of lugging home heavy backpacks filled with textbooks could soon be over for students in Marshall County, where school officials may stop requiring them to complete their homework.

Bonnie Ritz, director of curriculum and instruction, said administrators have discussed a policy that would not penalize students for failing to do their homework. The idea is that students who do their homework would improve their grades, but students not doing the work would not see grades suffer as a result. She said the concept grew out of concerns that some students in the county don’t have sufficient help or resources at home…

…”We always have to be aware that we have students that don’t have support at home or may not have computers to help them,” she said.

Have you ever read anything more apocalyptic than that. I mean, seriously.

This was captured and being studied by British doctors, according to The UK Telegraph.

The scientists are saying he’s not dangerous but I think they’re confusing the smile with something far more sinister. Look. Nobody’s that happy. This creature is on the edge of extinction and it’s THAT happy. No. Something’s going on. Nuke it. Nuke it now.

Alien Vampires (Not the Band)

Via All News Web:Numerous residents in and around the village of Mezoband, in the Mures region of Transylvania at the foothills of the Carpathian Mountains witnessed a UFO three weeks ago. The object was described by witnesses as bright, spherical and darting too and forth in a seemingly impossible manner. Shortly after appearing the object shot off. It was reported by local media that photos of the object were taken but none have come to light yet…The village is only a stone’s throw away from the region’s main metropolis of Sighisoara, the birthplace of Vlad the Impaler or Count Dracula.

Wait. Let’s get this right. A UFO near Dracula’s home that can’t be photographed? Do we know any other creature that can’t be photographed that hails from this region? It’s bad enough that aliens of old were sticking stuff in us in naughty places but if they start drinking our blood I think it’s time to just start nuking the sky and seeing what happens.

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Posted by Patrick & Matthew Archbold