Personally Opposed

My Name is Tiger Woods. As many of you may have heard by now, I have been publicly accused of having numerous affairs with multiple women who are not my wife. Now, while we all might agree that adultery is not a desirable thing, we must recognize that it is often a difficult choice in the life of a man.

Sometimes, through no fault of his own, a man can find himself in a difficult marriage. He is sometimes faced with the difficult choice of staying faithful to his Swedish bikini model wife or committing adultery with barmaids and hostesses. This is particularly true for professional athletes.

There are those who think that they know what is best for every pro-athlete or even a regular man. There are women in high places, I think particularly of some female Buick Executives, who think they know what what every man should do in this situation. These women, who have never played professional sport at any level and cannot possibly understand the temptations, think they know what is best for ALL pro athletes. While some men may be in the position where they can choose to stay faithful, other men feel must make the difficult decision to commit adultery.

Now, while I am personally opposed to adultery, I do not believe that I can impose my anti-adultery views on the pro athlete community at large. I believe it is perfectly fine for a person to be privately anti-adultery, but as a prominent athlete I must be publicly pro-choice.

Some Buick executives suggest that because of my public position on adultery that they can threaten to withhold my paychecks because they say that I am in violation of the morality clauses of my contract. This is very unfortunate. I have been associated with Buick for many years and consider myself a Buick spokesman regardless of their threats. I am a Buick spokesman in good standing and to suggest otherwise simply because I am publicly pro-choice on adultery is ridiculous.

My contract states that I must be anti-adultery, and so I accept my contract. But this is a private contract and should have no bearing on the public policy I support or on my public behavior.

Perhaps, rather than trying to dictate to every pro-athlete how they should live their lives, Buick should just concentrate on making cars.

Sounds just as silly when Catholic politicians make the same argument about abortion.