Catholic conservative blogger Matt Archbold and his wife were reportedly pleased to deliver their fifth child into the world today despite ongoing crises of overpopulation, global warming, and the near eradication of the New England tit-mouse.
Secularists across the country were horrified at news of the new baby. “The problem we have with Matt’s decision to have a baby is that he was essentially one Catholic nutjob on his own,” said one Democratic Senate staffer. “Now there’s five more conservative Catholics and nobody on our side is having babies.”
Some militant secularists are calling for “a fix” to this problem including abortion options up until kindergarten or child swapping. “The problem is not that…(hiccup) Matt is having children it’s essentially that (hiccup) he’s raising them,” said Christopher Hitchens, renowned atheist. “I believe it should be a law that if nutjob Christians have any more than three children they have to give those children to atheists and secularists to raise…(hiccup)
Planned Parenthood official Ivana Muerte said she didn’t understand why the situation persisted. “We get state money. We get federal money. We get undisclosed grants from billionaires but every time I go outside there’s more babies,” she said. “I’ve had twelve abortions. I’m doing my part.”
Even some local theologians said they were dismayed over the news. “That baby is just one more person’s name on the list requesting the Latin Mass,” said Reese McBrien SJ. “One more baby pulling us back into the Dark Ages.”
Pictures of Matt and his wife smiling have been doctored all over the blogosphere and even on Rosie O’Donnell’s gay cruise. When asked about the controversy Matt responded, “What?”
July 18, 2007 at 2:39 pm
Very witty 🙂
July 18, 2007 at 3:34 pm
Praise the Lord for nutjobs!!
Sharon
July 18, 2007 at 7:35 pm
“One more baby pulling us back into the Dark Ages.”
Ha!
July 18, 2007 at 11:43 pm
BTW, if there was a “Most Humoruous Cathlolic Blog Award” you would win hands down!
Res jocosa valdissime!
Marcus Augustinus
July 19, 2007 at 1:07 am
Congrats, Matt! And here’s to the next generation!
July 19, 2007 at 1:16 am
Congratulations to you and your wife!
July 19, 2007 at 3:21 am
thanks guys. anything i can do to drag us back to the dark ages you can count on me.
July 19, 2007 at 6:08 am
congratulations upon the birth of your baby girl, and thanks for your contributions to a world that needs both love and laughs.
July 24, 2007 at 11:11 pm
WHERE are the pics of this dismaying addition to our over populated world. BTW your loverly daughter was born on my loverly daughter’s 14th birthday. Anna Catherine is the 6th of 12! Children – not abortions, that is.
Blessings to you all from
Christi aka mum2twelve