This column in Newsweek by Kathleen Deveny in who calls herself a “practicing Catholic” is an unintentionally sad one because I believe what she says is probably very widespread.
Here’s the thing in its entirety. It’s worth reading because it’s well written and I think it shows where millions of Catholics are in America today.
Talking To Kids About God
I’m a practicing Catholic. So why does the subject of religion make me so uncomfortable?Sometimes I think it is easier to talk to my daughter about sex than about God. Perhaps that’s because I have a pretty good idea where babies come from, but I’m still a little fuzzy on the details about God. It’s also because my daughter is only 7, so we haven’t gotten to the really difficult conversations about sex. But I have a few ideas about what I’ll say when the time comes. I was caught by surprise, however, when she asked me how your soul gets out of your body when you die.
We were talking about Heath Ledger, and how sad it was that he died so young. Then she asked if someone came to “rip his soul out.” After making a mental note to pay more attention to the materials she brought home from her weekly religion classes, I explained that no one “rips” anything out of you. It’s something far more natural and peaceful, I said. Like a burp.
That seemed to do the trick. She nodded thoughtfully, burped and moved on. The conversation raised a few questions for me, however, and not just about my gift for metaphor. Why does the subject of religion make me so uncomfortable? OK, so I’m divorced (twice!) and I haven’t always been, um, a paragon of virtue. Still, I consider myself a practicing Roman Catholic. I take my kid to church most Sundays. (In the winter, at least.) I grew up as a Catholic and I find comfort in the familiar rituals of the mass. I am glad my daughter is getting some religious training.
But when confronted by my daughter’s questions—Does God have arms? Do you really have to drink blood?—I’m completely lost. What was I doing during all those years of weekly CCD classes? I learned that Jesus loves me and I listened to a lot of bad guitar-playing at mass when I was growing up in the 1960s. But I didn’t memorize the Baltimore Catechism and I couldn’t name the seven deadly sins if my life depended on it. I could come up with only eight of the Ten Commandments!
It’s not just about the gaps in my education. As a “cafeteria Catholic,” I don’t accept all the tenets of my religion. I am never going to teach my daughter that evolution is a fraud, and someday I will encourage her to think critically, not doctrinally, about issues like artificial birth control, stem-cell research and abortion.
Even when I agree with the church, I’ve discovered I’m just not that comfortable discussing the mysteries of faith. Other parents share my ambivalence. “I kind of play down the religious aspect of church, which is easy when you are a Presbyterian,” says a friend who has a 9-year-old daughter. “At a recent parents’ meeting to discuss what we would like the Sunday school to teach, I got quite a few funny looks when I said I didn’t want a lot of emphasis on the spiritual side of things.”
I wouldn’t go that far, but my daughter’s questions still have me stumped. Very often when we’re talking to children about faith the problem is us, not them, says the Rev. J. Brian Bransfield, of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. We live in a secular world and we try to reduce mysteries to simple facts. Children can experience a mystery, he says. When I ask him to help me explain how the soul leaves the body, he suggests using the analogy of an embrace: we hug each other, then we let go. “Whenever the child asks the adult something, the child is inviting the adult in,” says Father Bransfield.
I am going to try to accept the invitation, and still answer my child’s questions as honestly as I can. A quick flip through the book she’s using in her Sunday classes is comforting. “What are some things that you think make a mother special?” asks one page. Who can’t get behind that? And come Ash Wednesday, I will be prepared to explain the dirty smudge on my head. Because I Googled it.
My first thought was to go through this and make snarky comments but the author of this piece put herself out there in real and open terms so I opted against snark. The fact that the author says she doesn’t know much about her faith is something that’s solved easily.
Here’s the thing. If Jesus really died on the cross for us then that act is the centerpiece of all history. It is the central act for all mankind. If you believe that it should also be the centerpiece of your life.
My prescription:
1)Read the catechism. It’s brilliant. Really. It’s centuries of thought compiled for YOU. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel. The greatest theologians in the world have considered this stuff. Read them. It helps.
2)Read the Creative Minority Report. Because after the catechism you might just need a good laugh and some snark.
3) Read all the Catholic blogs because they hold real stories of people living out their faith albeit imperfectly.
February 4, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Sigh.
Here are my suggestions, for what they’re worth:
1. Make a commitment to worship at Mass every Sunday (or Saturday night).
2. Pray with your family at home. Keep it simple. Read the gospel of the day. Give everyone a chance to offer their prayers. Pray the prayers of the Church together.
3. Get involved in one of the service ministries of your parish, ie: food pantry, ministry to the sick, clothing closet, etc…
4. Read the Catechism, though not front to back. Start with those topics that most interest you.
5. Read the Bible, with a good Catholic commentary in hand. Start with the Gospels.
6. Keep at it.
Bob Hunt
Knoxville, TN
February 4, 2008 at 3:51 pm
I only have one suggestion, which in the case of Ms Deveny trumps all the others. It goes like this….
You cannot sell anything you don’t believe in yourself. All the books and pious practices in the world won’t change that. It might explain why you’re so uncomfortable. It might NOT explain why you think sending her to CCD was going to change that.
February 4, 2008 at 6:28 pm
Read Dorothy Sayers: “Creed or Chaos”.
February 4, 2008 at 7:21 pm
Excellent advice. We can never learn enough about God or about being Catholic.
How sad it is that her daughter’s questions don’t prompt her to answer them–for her daughter’s sake and her own. Doesn’t she want the answer to those questions as well?
It’s also sad that a “practicing Catholic” is someone who takes his or her child to mass “most Sundays…in the winter”.
Finally, I agree that her daughter (and we!) need to use “critical thinking” with issues like birth control, stem-cell research and abortion. However, critical thinking involves learning Christ’s teachings…otherwise we’re trying to think critically about a facet of life/death without consulting with the Creator or life. This can only lead us astray.
I appreciated her honesty as well.
February 4, 2008 at 8:07 pm
It seems to me that Catholicism is a faith you can’t logically put your toe in the water. You have to jump in.
jen, the critical thinking line bothered me so much because it’s clear that part of her thinking doesn’t include actually researching the faith. How do you think critically while not hearing both sides?
February 4, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Great suggestions.
What struck me the most was the line about evolution. She is completely wrong about what the church teaches there. It makes me wonder where she got her information about the church. She needs to radically change her sources because they are wrong.
The other comment about thinking critically rather than dogmatically. What does that mean? She has no clue how to think dogmatically. How do you deal with someone who knows more than you? How do you process their opinion if it is different from yours? You expect that their reasons for holding that opinion are going to be good. Dogma is the same thing just in a more extreme way.
February 5, 2008 at 12:13 am
Allow me just a LITTLE snark. Why doesn’t intellectual honesty ever seem to enter the equation for so many people?
I’m a former cafeteria Catholic myself, and I started taking it all a bit more seriously when my own kids were small. I realized that I couldn’t explain it to them if I didn’t understand it myself, and there’s simply no easy way to do that other than to READ READ READ. You can’t get your theology from Newsweek and the New York Times! People are willing to knock themselves out to get the best grades, be the best at sports, get the best-paying job, work out to get the best body, but when it comes to extending effort toward learning and living the faith you profess to hold and are responsible for modeling for your children, suddenly nobody has time!
There are plenty of times when I would much rather be a Unitarian, believe me. Catholicism is a tough gig, especially in this day and age.
But back to the intellectual honesty question, if you can’t make the effort to BE who you say you are, why bother? You can get warm and fuzzy togetherness at just about any Protestant church.
A priest once told me that you really can’t say you love God and then do the absolute minimum for Him. That certainly wouldn’t fly in a marriage or with your kids, would it? If we really believe Christ is truly present in the Eucharist, we’d be there a heck of a lot more often (I’m speaking for myself here).
I want to tell this writer what Pope benedict said shortly after his election, “time to be adults in the faith.” Or something like that.
February 5, 2008 at 12:23 am
Actually, I take back part of what I said.
Compared to say, ancient Rome or just about any century thereafter, Catholicism really ISN’T that tough a gig in this day and age 🙂
It’s challenging and sometimes uncomfortable to stick your neck and be a good witness, that’s all.
But being considered uncool is far preferable to being thrown to the lions, so it’s not really THAT difficult 🙂