An anti-social man said today that he hopes his guests will arrive soon. While some experts are saying they believe this new attitude to be an emotional breakthrough, some are more skeptical.
Matthew Archbold, who frequently writes for the blog Creative Minority Report, has a daughter receiving her first Communion tomorrow and guests aren’t expected until Sunday at 1 p.m..
“I’m very excited about this,” said Archbold, an infamous anti-social curmudgeon. “I can’t wait for the party to start.”
Some sociologist experts are however speculating that Archbold simply wants the company to arrive only because it would mean an end to cleaning the house. “We keep the house pretty tidy,” said Archbold. “But now she wants me to dust under my books. I mean come on! How much dust can get under a book?”
Archbold’s wife also seems to think all toys must not only be put away but out of sight. Archbold made a joke that we have to erase any evidence that children live in the house. The “joke,” however, did not go over well with his wife.
His wife also cleaned the oven, something Archbold completely didn’t understand as the family had already ordered lunch meat for the party. “Do you really think someone’s going to look in the oven?” Archbold asked but only received a nasty glance.
And suddenly as of noon, Archbold’s wife declared she wanted him to put the doors on the entertainment center (something he’d promised to do weeks ago.) Archbold said he’d attempted to do it but couldn’t immediately locate the right size screwdriver so gave up. Some experts (including Archbold’s wife) say he gave up too soon.
“Normally I’m not a big fan of having company,” said Archbold. “But I can’t wait for people to get here. I’ve already called a friend of mine and asked him to get here as early as he can.”
But even that ploy doesn’t always work, as is well known after the infamous Christening incident in 2003 when a friend showed up early and Archbold’s wife actually put him to work, this destroying weeks of planning between the two friends.
The children, while doing everything asked of them, have repeatedly sent their father imploring looks as to when he would be able to stop the torture. At one point Archbold was sent out to the store and every one of his children volunteered to join him.
April 26, 2008 at 8:46 pm
Oh Matthew…you have no idea how easy you have it. Imagine living like that every day. Shortly after the birth of our third child, my wife developed an incessant need to keep everything in museum-like shape, as if she were expecting the photographers from Architectural Digest to show up any moment. If she could clean the dishes as I was eating off them, I swear she would…lol. This is where you recall the vows “for better or for worse, in cleanliness and slovenliness, with and without OCD…”
😉
Count your blessings, friend, and congratulations on your daughter’s First Communion!
April 26, 2008 at 11:31 pm
Congrats, Matthew! My son has his First Communion tommorrow, and we are cooking out, so nobody has to even go in the house 🙂
April 27, 2008 at 1:56 am
That’s brilliant. I should’ve cooked out. Well I got a bunch more kids after this one. I learn from my mistakes.
April 27, 2008 at 4:40 am
Brilliant, Matthew!
I’ve just realized in a blinding flash of the obvious (or maybe it’s just the migraine) that the biggest disadvantage in my life is being a female who thinks more like you do than like your wife, which leads to a company preparation style that can only be described as “Weeks of blase, followed by frenetic last-minute panic.”
April 27, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Curmudgeon? B) Well, I hope your little girl was able to get through all the motions and hand gestures during the FHC liturgy. You must have it all on tape to scare her with when she grows up.