A liberal Catholic group named “Leaders for Unification of Non-Ordained Associates Together In Christ”(LUNATIC) held a hastily called press conference this morning in order to be the first group to call for ordination of extraterrestrials, which the “Vatican” recently said it’s OK to believe in.
The group congratulated themselves for being first and then criticized other liberal groups for not being as liberal as they are.
“If our extraterrestrial brothers come here, we believe they should be ordained if they wish,” said LUNATIC Spokesperson Sister Lucy, who herself is a lesbian priest in an unrecognized offshoot of the Church. (She was ordained in the break room at Wal-Mart) “The Bible doesn’t say anything against aliens and it certainly doesn’t tell us they can’t become priests. So what can the Church say to that? Huh?”
Asked what would happen if the aliens were intent on destroying the Earth and eating all of its inhabitants, Sister Lucy said that the aliens couldn’t do worse than what the Church has done to women these past 2,000 years.
Other liberal Catholic groups like Voice of the Faithful and Call To Action held press conferences shortly after saying how angry they were with themselves for not coming out for alien ordination earlier. But they criticized LUNATIC for calling the extraterrestrials “aliens” saying it was a derogatory term.
But all three groups joined together in condemning Pope Benedict for not bringing up this “important civil-rights issue” during his trip last month to America. Polls do indicate that the Church lags far behind other denominations in accepting other planet’s potential cultures.
May 16, 2008 at 5:01 am
I’ve been up looking up information about the California Supreme Court ruling, getting very depressed over the course of the night and then I found this site. I must admit this piece made me laugh out loud. I’m going to bed now with a smile on my face. Thank you.
May 16, 2008 at 5:10 am
“Polls do indicate that the Church lags far behind other denominations in accepting other planet’s potential cultures.”
Polls, smolls! How many of you thought that “Men in Black” was fiction and not part of a larger documentary series that was squashed by the Clintons. No accident that Tommy Lee Jones and Al Gore were college roommates.
I can tell you all for certain just which pastors, pastoral associates, and yes, even Archbishops are really aliens.
Chicago, e.g., is loaded with priests, religious, and assisting laity who are from a galaxy far, far away. Start with Old Saint Patrick’s on Des Plaines and Adams and work your way….
May 16, 2008 at 10:59 am
“Asked what would happen if the aliens were intent on destroying the Earth and eating all of its inhabitants, Sister Lucy said that the aliens couldn’t do worse than what the Church has done to women these past 2,000 years.”
Brilliant!
May 16, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Waaaah! I wish I had thought of this. Excellent.
May 16, 2008 at 12:39 pm
All these years I thought it was alien subordination. Thanks for setting the record straight!
May 16, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Welcome aboard the Space Ship of Fools!-
May 16, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Priceless mockery!
June 19, 2008 at 8:31 pm
I find it much awesomer to think that, if there are aliens, we’d evangelize them too. And then there eventually would be alien priests. Consecrating Earth wafers just like everybody else. Unless they couldn’t eat Earth food… In any case, Catholic theology would get a real shot in the arm.