Ladies and gentlemen, I submit to you the blogger that goes by the name Red Cardigan is a genius. A genius I tell you! Red has formulated a plan that is clearly inspired by the Holy Ghost in that no mere mortal could have come up with it unaided.
In the face of escalating risk of sacrilege due to kidnapping and threats of kidnapping to the Eucharist, there is but one remedy. It is drastic, but I don’t believe there is any choice left. The Bishops of the USCCB must immediately declare Martial Law!
Red has the whole plan ready for the executive order!
Here is what must be done:
1. The bishops of America ought immediately to declare that in the face of these growing attacks upon our faith, the practice of receiving Communion in the hand must be suspended for an indefinite period of time. A month or so of instruction in the art of reverent reception by mouth will be followed by the implementation of this new directive.
2. In any church where there is more than one priest in attendance and where the distribution of the Blessed Sacrament will not be prolonged more than ten minutes, Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion will not be used except in special circumstances. In this way an EMHC will not have to determine whether someone is attempting to pocket the Sacrament immediately after receiving, something that should properly be the responsibility of ordained priests and deacons.
3. To facilitate the swift distribution of Holy Communion by fewer people, altar rails will be used where they exist, and installed where they do not. In churches where this is architecturally impossible a row of prie-dieux may suffice.
4. If it is necessary to keep the Communion distribution of a reasonable length, the distribution under both species will be reserved for special feasts, holy days, and occasions like First Communion or weddings. On those days if EMHCs are not required, Communion may be given by intinction by the ordained priests or deacons for those who wish to receive under both species, lessening the chance even further that someone will be able to pocket the Blessed Sacrament in a larger crowd.
5. To further prevent acts of desecration, the doors into the church will be guarded by ushers or extra altar girls from the time Communion begins to be distributed until the final blessing of the Mass. Anyone who needs to leave early will have to notify the ushers and explain their reasons (except for parents toting obviously distressed infants or toddlers, of course).
In a time of crisis who do we turn to? Lincoln? Patton? Eisenhower? MacArthur? Rookies! In this time of crisis, we need real leadership. Red Cardigan for President! (of the USCCB — Hey, why not? Those guys are always going on about lay participation anyway.)