Danielle Bean, over at Faith and Family Live, asks “What three things would you tell someone who is about to get married?”
Danielle provides some excellent advice for the newly married.
1. The thing that drives you crazy is also the thing you love.
2. There is no 50/50.
3. Go to bed together.
This is excellent advice. I suggest you follow it.
If I may, perhaps some advice for the prospective grooms.
Set the bar low.
If for the first couple of years, you are considerate and helpful around the house, she will expect it forever. I take that back, if you are considerate and helpful around the house for the first fifteen minutes she will expect it forever. Don’t get me wrong, you should help out, but you need to be strategic. If at the beginning you are helpful all the time, she will think that that is the way it should be. Then in the future if help you get no credit and if you slack off a lil’, you’re a bum. However, if you are a bit of a bum up front, every time thereafter that you help out, she will know it is because you care. Bonus credit! A win win!
Women don’t make rhetorical statements.
There will be many times that your new wife will ask you a question that you will assume through context is rhetorical in nature and is not meant to be answered. It isn’t. Women don’t ask rhetorical questions. They actually expect a response even to questions you cannot possibly answer. They will also make statements that you think are only informational and do not require a response. Again, wrong. They want a response, even if that response is merely “I hereby acknowledge that your lips moved and I heard words.” I can’t explain this, but trust me it is true.
Admit you are the bad guy, and that makes you the good guy.
Many young grooms think that arguments are meant to be won. Nope. You are the bad guy, so just apologize. I know, I know. You know that were this a college debate club, your victory would be so obvious and complete that the rest of your team would thrust you to their shoulders for a victory lap. You know this, so why should you apologize and take the blame? Let me explain it to you in terms you can understand. Because.
The funny thing is, when you take the blame for something in an argument in which you are convinced of the veracity of your position, she is more likely to listen to you. When emotion is in the way, you can’t win. Not—less likely to win, not—more difficult to win, you can’t win. So as hard as it may seem at first, take the hit, heal the emotions, make her feel that you care. More times than not, if you do this, she will eventually think about what you had to say. I know it seems backwards, but again, trust me.
So there you have it. My contribution to millions of successful future marriages. Remember this during my canonization proceedings.
August 14, 2008 at 6:20 am
The best three I have ever heard:
1. You married a sinner. So did they.
2. Sacraments are God-things. Marriage is a sacrament. If you want the marriage to work, keep God in the picture.
3. A family that prays together stays together.
August 14, 2008 at 11:12 am
I hope you’re just being funny.
My advice to grooms would be totally the opposite of your “Set the bar low.” If my hubby had done this, hadn’t given 110% from day one (and even before that), I probably would not have been inspired to become the kind of wife I am to him today. And I’m still working on it. He OTOH hasn’t let up. We’re still growing together in holiness. That’s what I would call win-win.
I don’t agree totally with #3 either, but I’ll leave that one alone. 😀
August 14, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Matthew – did your wife give you permission to post this? 😉
August 14, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Stef,
You’re not suppose to be reading this.
And yes, he was only joking.
Patrick,
Hey, you’re right it works!
August 14, 2008 at 3:53 pm
#1 is definitely a joke, although you are much better off in the long run if your wife thinks you are a moron.
#2 is definitely not a joke. In my experience, women just don’t do rhetorical.
#3 is sort of a joke. Young married men can sometimes fall prey to the temptation to win and argument at all costs. It just isn’t worth it. It doesn’t matter if you were initially right if all that results is hurt feelings. Not worth it. Make your points, fine, but winning isn’t everything.
August 14, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Another great post. You are so right about #2! Hilarious.
And on #3, while being semi-humorous, you hit the nail on the head with this statement: “When emotion is in the way, you can’t win.” It took me a long time to figure that one out. Probably still learning, it’s only been seven years. I have to stop being so rational right away and deal with emotions and hurt feeling before we have any chance of resolving the issue.
August 14, 2008 at 4:52 pm
My husband and I learned that men usually ask information questions, and women ask discussion questions. Many times they are the same question! So, we learned to preface our questions by saying, “info” or “discussion.” It can really cut down the confusion when someone asks, “So, do you want to go out to dinner?”
August 14, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Oops – should have addressed my comment to Patrick. Sorry. My reading skills are ok, it’s just the comprehension part that needs brushing up!
August 14, 2008 at 6:16 pm
I have a mantra that comes in handy: “I don’t know and I have no opinion.” It’s a tongue-in-cheek way to solicit my wife’s input on new business before I “set policy” for the family. It especially comes in handy when we’re out and people ask me questions that I SHOULD know the answer to, but can’t remember at the time.
It helps if your wife, like mine, is kind and has a sense of humor.
August 14, 2008 at 7:25 pm
Contrary to what that moron Eric Segal wrote, love is having to say you’re sorry, over and over and over again.
August 14, 2008 at 9:55 pm
larryd, i would never write a post such as this. (Because my wife might be reading the blog today)
I am way too kind to write the kind of bilge Patrick wrote here.
August 15, 2008 at 3:27 am
hahaha, it’s so true that emotions don’t win arguments…and also that we guys are always the bad guys, hahahahaha