Vegetarians around the planet were horrified to learn today that the popular Thanksgiving dish for vegetarians called Tofurkey doesn’t actually derive from the vegetarian bean curd known as Tofu but from a very small and extraordinarily cute endangered species called the Tofurkey.
This is the first photo of a Tofurkey taken at a farm in Rhode Island just moments before it was skinned, torn limb from limb, had its eyes removed while still alive, and was finally dipped in boiling oil.
A tofurkey farm is not a typical farm. The tofurkey is extraordinarily cute and very inexpensive to keep because they’re fed exclusively by hugs and smiles. “That’s all they need,” said one tofurkey farmer. “And they’ve got these huge expressive eyes that melt your heart.” It’s those expressive eyes that make “slaughter season” very hard for tofurkey owners.
Most tofurkeys spend their days playing with balloons, blowing bubbles, and singing in high pitched angelic voices. “They don’t speak English or nothing but sometimes just listenin’ to ’em makes me think about puppies and angels,” said one tofurkey owner.
The misunderstanding for vegetarians originated because of the similarities between the names Tofurkey and Tofu. One Tofurkey farmer said he never lied about where Tofurkey came from but he’s glad to profit from the misunderstanding. “I think those wacky vegetarians just wanted to believe they were eating Tofu and I wasn’t about to tell ’em no different.”
He said that back when his “product” began doing brisk business he wondered why. “I know those little cute tofurkeys don’t really taste so good so I wondered why so many people was eating ’em. But hey, who am I to complain?”
Vegans and vegetarians have been shocked and horrified at the discovery of this Tofurkey farm. “Every time I ate Tofurkey on Thanksgiving I felt so principled and better than everyone else,” said one vegetarian. “I’m going to miss that feeling.”
November 24, 2008 at 12:53 pm
And I thought it was made of recycled tires.
November 24, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Actually, Tofu burgers aren’t bad if you cook them in Lard……
November 24, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Thanks for the good laugh to start off a Monday.
November 24, 2008 at 5:22 pm
That was TOO funny!
You should have put a comic bubble over the tofurkey saying “I wuv woo”.
November 24, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Hilarious!
November 24, 2008 at 6:05 pm
You know, it looks surprisingly like a gerbil that got loose and was never seen again…
OMC The VEGANS ATE HIM!
~Zee
November 24, 2008 at 9:32 pm
“Save the Tofurkey” – eat cows for Thanksgiving!
Or better yet, go the traditional route and have a big fat bird on the table for the whole brood to enjoy. Saith one Joseph Francis Tribbiani (in response to veggie-Phoebe’s claim that turkeys are intelligent and beautiful): “No, they’re not! They’re ugly, and stupid, and delicious!” Can’t say the same for the tofurkey, which is so adorable and cute and squishy and furry . . .
November 25, 2008 at 3:07 am
This is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a long time. Brilliant!