On the heels of the shocking revelations about Gov. Rod Blagojevich in the Illinois Pay to Play scandal, CMR Investigations has uncovered an even more shocking scandal. CMR has uncovered a transcript from a wiretap that is part of a secret Interpol investigation that will soon rock Rome. The names have been altered to protect the ongoing investigation.
<--Begin Transcript-->
Cardinal Assistant #1 : Good afternoon. I have that list of names you requested for the Westminster job.
Prelate #XVI : So what are they offering for the job.
Cardinal Assistant #1 : Well, Episcopal Candidate #3 is offering his fervent prayers.
Prelate #XVI : Prayers? **** that! This job is a valuable ******* thing! You just don’t give a valuable ******* thing like this away for nothing!
Cardinal Assistant #1 : So what should I tell them that you want?
Prelate #XVI : You tell them I want ******* money! I want €500,000 wired to my offshore account or come January 2, these Magic Circle mother******* will be sittin’ on their ***** in their pathetic little dioceses while I give the American Burke the Westminster job. See how those mother******* like that!
Cardinal Assistant #1 : Well Episcopal Candidate #5 hinted that he would be open to such a deal, but he will need a few weeks to raise the money from donations.
Prelate #XVI : See, I always thought that Episcopal Candidate #5 was a smart son-of-a-*****. Anyone else?
Cardinal Assistant #1 : Well, Episcopal Candidate #1 might be a problem. He suggested he is uncomfortable with such a quid pro quo.
Prelate #XVI : Uncomfortable with a quid pro quo? Isn’t that the same mother****** who completely ignored my motu proprio and now this ****** is dropping latin phrases on me? Uncomfortable? I’ll show the ****** uncomfortable. Get me my albino assassin!
Cardinal Assistant #1 : I am sorry, we don’t actually have any albino assassins.
Prelate #XVI : What? ****** movies are always too good to be true. Do we have any albinos?
Cardinal Assistant #1 : We do have one albino, Br. Bob in accounting.
Prelate #XVI : O yeah, I saw that ***** at the Christmas party last year. He is a freaky looking ***** but he doesn’t strike me as the assassin type. I’ll tell you what, why don’t we just send that skinny Brit who writes for the Telegraph after him. He hates that ****** anyway.
Cardinal Assistant #1 : No problem, I’m on it.
Prelate #XVI : Alright. So tell Episcopal Candidate #5 that if the money is in my account by this time next week, the ****** job is his.
Cardinal Assistant #1 : Done.
<--End Transcript-->
December 11, 2008 at 3:51 pm
That's &!@#$% funny.
December 11, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Can’t wait to see the movie.
December 11, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Scorsese would have to direct, right?
December 11, 2008 at 4:36 pm
No, Ron Howard.
December 11, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Too funny!
December 11, 2008 at 5:11 pm
Br. Bob is more than he appears to be…
Sometimes he crunches numbers – other times, it’s fingers. Yes, Brother Bob, Vatican Collector. Start payin’, or start prayin’.
December 11, 2008 at 5:34 pm
It would also have to include a scene where “Prelate XVI” grimaces in a male-fascist way to a would-be woman priest. And lots of references to the Inquisition and Galileo.
December 11, 2008 at 6:28 pm
BRAVO!!! I needed a good laugh this morning!
December 11, 2008 at 7:04 pm
You need a subplot where Prelate XVI gets his close buddy Rowan Atkinson elected Poobah of all the Anglicans, only to have him claim to have never really known him – barely met him, y’know, and certainly we never talked or discussed theology or anything like that.
December 11, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Message to readers,
Concerning all this blatant supposition, CMR cannot publicly discuss an ongoing investigation 😉
Sincerely,
The Management
December 11, 2008 at 7:19 pm
This is easily the funniest piece CMR has ever done. More of this, less of “The Day The Gay Stood Still.”
~cmpt
December 11, 2008 at 7:41 pm
hahaha
December 11, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Definitely should have a Cherman accent.
“Prayers? **** zat! Zis chob iss a valuable ****** ssing! You chust don’t give a valuable ******* ssing like zis avay for nossing!”
December 11, 2008 at 11:12 pm
I love most of the humor on this site, but I thought that this one was in bad taste. I don’t appreciate the mental image of a foul-mouthed Benedict XVI. And considering the corruption that truly did exist in regard to the appointment of bishops centuries ago, this just doesn’t seem like an appropriate subject for parody.
December 12, 2008 at 12:00 am
I’ll go with Paul on this one.
December 12, 2008 at 12:37 am
“Angels fly because they take themselves lightly.” – Chesterton, Orthodoxy
God has a sense of humor and so should we. Past errors of this sort make us unafraid of it; we can’t afford to be a thin-skinned Church in this day and age. And honestly, it’s funny precisely because Papa Benedict and swearing are absolutely incongruous.
December 12, 2008 at 1:03 am
Nzie is right. If God didn’t have a sense of humor, how could one possibly begin to explain some of our brothers and sisters?
I have always held it impossible to honor all of the fools on just one day a year. The first of every month needs to be set aside in their honor.
However, I do agree that the idea of a foul-mouthed Holy Father does knock a bit of joy off of the humor.
December 12, 2008 at 5:53 am
You know that the secular press will report this as true
December 12, 2008 at 6:53 am
“Angels fly because they take themselves lightly.” – Chesterton, Orthodoxy
Right, but this is a very different thing, isn’t it? Taking ourselves lightly is a very different thing than treating the pope lightly.
“God has a sense of humor and so should we.”
Or as a friend of mine put it, “Who put the waddle in the duck?”
I was about to say, “However, you will look in vain for humor in the Old Testament.” Then I googled “Humor in the Old Testament” Live and learn: http://academic.brooklyn.cuny.edu/economic/friedman/bibhumor.htm
Googling “Humor in the New Testament” actually results in the discovery of a book called “The Wit and Wisdom of Rabbi Jesus”
NEVERTHELESS, while I am not offended by the post, nor “in high dudgeon” (whatever that may be) I am pretty sure you will search the scriptures, the fathers of the Church and the writings of the saints in vain to find even one instance of holy persons, places or things being treated lightly.
To me the message is, don’t do it.
Yes, there is St. Philip Neri. He played many practical jokes, but I think you will search his life in vain for jokes about holy persons, places or things.
Yet we think nothing of saying things like, “Hail Mary, full of grace, please find me a parking space.”
Yet this is a trivialization of both Our Lady and Scripture that finds no echo in Scripture itself or the lives of the saints.
The reason I go to these lengths is that we had an unusual sermon by Fr Vincent OP here at Our Lady of the Rosary in Portland some weeks ago. He wondered if the power has gone out of prayers, if we no longer see many great miracles, precisely because we are overfree in our treatment of holy things.
If we grew up with television, we were raised by comedians and many of us have a highly developed comic sense. This includes many friars, monks, priests and bishops. But in the name of “not taking ourselves seriously” and in the name of joy, a very great many questionable things are said in rectories and religious houses, in sermons and in after dinner speeches, things that nearly all of us find very amusing.
But I think we ought to ask ourselves seriously, “What does God think of it?” Are we perhaps rushing in where angels fear to tread?
This is not, by the way, a discourse against humor, but a query as to its proper limits.
December 12, 2008 at 12:07 pm
But does that Hail Mary parking thing actually work?