After a grueling and expensive study, CMR Laboratories (meaning my brother and I) has discovered a link between children with perfect attendance records and sicknesses that ravage entire schools.
It’s no secret that recently my children all got vomitously and riotously ill. (See here for the story.) Not a cushion, blanket or pillow was unaffected. This was easily the most disgusting sickness to swarm the eastern seaboard of the United States.
So yesterday my daughter gets back in the van after school. It’s her second day back from THE SICKNESS. Yesterday was also report card day and she was holding two awards. The first was a religion award and the other a technology award. (Hey, she could grow up to be a Catholic blogger!?…Nah. No money in it.) But the point of my little story is that she said that only five awards were given. She said that a child named Anthony received the perfect attendance award. I say I don’t remember which kid Anthony was. My daughter was shocked. “How do you not know Anthony,” she said. “He’s practically famous.”
Famous? For what?
“He threw up on Mrs. Chez during music!”
Aha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Uhm…When was this?” I slyly asked.
“About two weeks ago.”
AHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have now given a name to my pain of the last week. And it is “Perfect Attendance Anthony.”
I bet Typhoid Mary was always punctual too. I bet she showed up everywhere she was supposed to be – every time.
So CMR commissioned a study that investigated the link between children spreading contagion throughout schools and perfect attendance records. And we have deemed that “Perfect Attendance” awards should be renamed, “The Award for Parents Who Send Their Children into School Despite Their Being Sick.”
I know this is probably a slander and I’ll likely be sued, bankrupted, and dragged to debtor’s prison. But you’ve gotta’ admit there’s a connection between the two things. Not every time. But I bet a majority.
So today I’m going to place my daughter’s two awards on the refrigerator above the Pizza place menu. And try to forgive the family of “Perfect Attendance Anthony.” I’m not there yet. But I’m working on it.
December 13, 2008 at 3:25 pm
It’s only slander if it’s spoken. In writing it’s libel.
;0)
God bless,
Ryan
December 13, 2008 at 3:49 pm
I always felt the same way about those perfect attendance awards. At some point, you’re not doing anyone a favor by continuing to show up for school/work. You’re not Cal Ripken — get over it.
December 13, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Bravo, Matthew!! Thanks for speaking up so boldly about this issue! It never fails to amuse me how happy and relieved the office sounds when I call one of my kids in sick…maybe I should get an award??? 😉
December 13, 2008 at 4:42 pm
I had a horrible tradition of getting sick around October EVERY YEAR. I was always envious of the perfect attendance recipients as I only missed 1-2 days in the semester, and if I were a little sick I didn’t want to go. My 9th grade year I had not missed ANY days, but I didn’t realize it until we left school in early December for my grandparent’s 50th wedding anniversary. I fought with my parents because I knew it was my only shot at the perfect attendance hall of fame. Needless to say, I have still not recieved the award. (granted they don’t bestow it in college, maybe they ought to, lol).
December 13, 2008 at 5:16 pm
If a kid has a great constitution and never gets sick, great. But sending kids who are really sick to school is inconsiderate. I admit I read the advice columns in the paper, and I remember reading a letter from a woman on this subject. Her retiring coworker didn’t miss a day of work in 25 years, but because of it she’d gotten very sick from him once when she was pregnant, so it put the baby at risk as well.
Schools are germ trading posts, and there’s no reason to make it worse by sending in a sick kid. And now that we live in such a sterilised world, people are more likely to get sick because they haven’t built up immunities.
December 13, 2008 at 8:32 pm
I would also be interested to see the link between this award and parents that both work. Remeber when mom usedto stay home and take care of the occasional sick child rather than work….but I may be accused of slander as well.
December 13, 2008 at 8:53 pm
mtmom beat me to it by a day or so…
It’s the working moms who send their kids to daycare….er….school…
December 14, 2008 at 2:25 am
This is beyond a pet peeve for me. My family caught cytomegalovirus which we thought was a “cold” from either people at church or bringing sick kids to story time while I was pregnant with my last one. My daughter ended up in teh hospital for ten days with severe liver problems and it’s a miracle she still has her sight and hearing. Yeah, KEEP YOUR KIDS AT HOME! For their own sakes too, sheesh. I remember seeing a group of daycare kids at the library and one of the little kids was so miserably sick, bleary-eyed and hacking with snot running down her face and no one to even offer her a Kleenex. It just made me want to cry. I hope her parents were absolutely desperate and had no choice in sending her that day, because otherwise they’re just…anyways. I’d better get off my soapbox now before I have to send myself to confession.
December 15, 2008 at 4:23 am
Dad29,
I must take a wee bit of offense to your comment as my wife is a “working mom” (although some Democrats might feel her salary is too high to call her her a “working mom”). However, in our household there is never an issue as to where the kids should be when they are sick. You see, I am a stay-at-home dad.
December 15, 2008 at 5:35 pm
OK, I am de-lurking to strenuously object to the “working moms who send the sick kids to work” BS! I work 5 days a week, 30 hours. I am a consultant so I need to account for all 30 of those hours. And I never, ever send my kid to school sick–she’s sick, she stays home. I don’t want a child stressed out and sick at school, nor do I want that sickness extended due to exhaustion. And if she’s sick I stay home, or Daddy’s does, and we use our laptops if we can. Get over it–even good Catholic moms work these days. (That would be a big Harumph from me!) And while I am at it–layoff the “only one child? They must be contracepting…etc. Some of us are lucky to have one.
December 15, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Why would anyone want to win the Perfect Attendence award?
And when did they change it’s name from the “dork award”?