The parents of the popular Peanuts character Charlie Brown were arrested last night for child endangerment, neglect and other charges related to the effective abandonment of their children.
The Brown child also has many bruises, some considered severe. The child claimed he received the abrasions from attempting to kick a football but authorities are skeptical. Police said there are just too many bruises to be explained by that.
Oddly, the Brown’s dog seems exceptionally well fed and content.
The child being bald, some fear, is indicative of malnourishment. This is ironic because Brown’s father (pictured below) is alleged to be a barber.
Some township officials are wondering why it took so long for authorities to move on the Brown household when abuse of Charlie Brown dates back to the 1950’s. But most recently, some neighbors reported that Brown was seen eating rocks the day after Halloween. But authorities did nothing.
More recently, Charlie Brown seemingly was forced to cook the family turkey for Thanksgiving. Charlie was heard to complain that he’d need help cooking the turkey because he only knew how to cook cold cereal. And despite several calls from parents of the child’s acquaintances, authorities still failed to act.
Charlie Brown would often pay neighborhood children for psychiatric advice. And despite this, authorities insisted they still didn’t have enough to move. One child psychologist said his paying for psychiatric advice from other children was a “cry for help.”
But this Christmas, when neighborhood children were forced to help the Brown child fashion a Christmas tree out of the saddest stack of sticks you ever saw authorities finally felt they had enough to act.
After taking the parents into custody, police are reporting that most strangely of all is that the parents seem to only communicate through a series of honks and whooping sounds sounding like “wah-wah.” Local linguists have been notified to discover if this is indeed a language or simply a form of mental derangement.
The child psychologist in charge of Charlie Brown and his sister Sally said that Charlie Brown clearly suffers from abysmally low self esteem brought on by neglect. “Charlie Brown’s parents are completely uninvolved with his life. Nobody can recall seeing them outside or interacting with their children in any way,” she said. “The sooner Charlie Brown is removed from this situation the better it will be for that poor boy.”
December 19, 2008 at 2:47 am
Officials in Max and Ruby’s hometown really ought to look into where their parents are as well. The children never mention their mother or father. They interact with the grandmother, but she lives in another house.
December 19, 2008 at 3:33 am
The welfare of cute bunnies pales in comparison with this poor little boy who was forced to wear the same thing for 50 years. Please get your priorities straight!!!!!!
December 19, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Sorry Matthew, I'm with Amy on this one..even my kids are asking where Max & Ruby's mom and dad are? And just what can I tell them?????
December 19, 2008 at 12:57 pm
I’ve got animal rights activists on my blog now?
December 19, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Hysterical!! Thanks for the laugh to go with my coffee!!
December 19, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Ruby is kind of bossy, too, and she thought his frog friend was pretend and was all condescending about it.
But I agree, with our limited CCPS (Cartoon Child Protective Services) budget, we should focus on the most extreme cases. Charlie first.
~Zee
December 19, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Thanks Nzie. I may offer you the job as head of enforcement for Cartoon Child Protective Services.
December 19, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Aaaarrrrrrrgggghhhh!!!!
Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!
Dan in snowy Chicago
December 19, 2008 at 6:27 pm
Isn’t Charlie Brown’s psychologist “5-cents” Lucy???
December 19, 2008 at 6:43 pm
I’m not an animal activist, but I think that the anthropomorphized animal population is badly underserved. Clearly, the Brown case is more dire. However, one cannot ignore the plight of a 7 year old bossy girl bunny who is being forced to raise her developmentally delayed 5 year old brother (he can only speak one word every day and repeats it in response to any question). What happened to bunnyhood? It’s too much for any 7 year old to bear.
December 19, 2008 at 7:39 pm
You win. We can set up some kind of organization to fight orphan animal cartoon characters. But it’s going to be a non-profit and have zero enforcement capability. Essentially you’ll be able to “raise awareness” of the issue.
December 19, 2008 at 8:24 pm
Oh good grief!!!! 🙂
December 19, 2008 at 9:13 pm
Matthew, I can’t rest until all of our little talking bunny friends are safe and secure.
December 19, 2008 at 10:35 pm
haha, Niall!
Ooooh, thanks, Matthew!