Now, this is awkward. Mom wants to tell daughter they considered aborting her. Dad wonders if he should be the one to break the news to her that he and her Mom considered ripping her limb from limb. What to do? What to do? Here’s the very real letter to Dear Abby:
DEAR ABBY: I am 45 and currently going through a divorce. My soon-to-be ex-wife and I have a 14-year-old daughter, “Gina,” and I have custody.
Fourteen years ago, when my wife became pregnant with Gina, we had talked about abortion. We even had an appointment scheduled, but on the day of the appointment we decided not to go through with it. I thank God that we did have our child.
Gina knows nothing about any of this, but my future ex has threatened to tell her. My daughter is mature for her age and intelligent, but I feel the time is not right for her to know. Given the situation, I feel she should hear it from me because of the close relationship we have.
Do you agree that the news should wait until the divorce is final and the dust settles, or should I tell her now? — DADDY WHO CARES
CMR’s Response: Dear Daddy Who Cares,
Let me see if I can put this kindly. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FREAKING MIND? Seriously. Get yourself checked into the booby hatch if you consider for one second telling your daughter you considered having her ripped limb from limb because of whatever reason (any reason including you felt you were too young, the band was really starting to gel and you really thought that if you just get on the Mike Douglas show everything would really take off, you secretly hated your wife…whatever.)
The only reason allowable to tell her this is if you’re warning her because you’re considering killing her again but since she’s 14, I think that’s only legal at this late stage in New York and California and maybe Vermont.
I thank God too that you didn’t go ahead with killing your daughter. And I’ll pray to God you don’t go ahead and tell her.
Dude, she’s 14. That’s about the toughest age you get. She’s hitting puberty, she’s already getting all confused about the world as well as going through all the issues related to divorce. And you pick this moment to let her know that Mommy and Daddy considered giving her an acid bath?
Here’s all the lessons I’ve learned in my life. It’s short because I’m pretty stupid. Ready?
It’s not about you.
That’s it. It’s not about you. Once you have children they are your responsibility. And the world stops revolving around you and all your troubles.
You’re a father. Act like it. Fathers protect their daughters. And daughters need to feel protected. If you take that away from her, God help her and you.
June 3, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Concurred absolutely.
June 3, 2009 at 9:38 pm
Yup!
more evidence for those who think that abortion has no consequences…
June 3, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Sounds like he's regretting even thinking of it and now he and the soon to be ex are trying to use it to pit their daughter against the other.
June 3, 2009 at 9:55 pm
I think I'm missing something. He's worried his wife is going to tell her, and he wants to beat her to the punch so it's not as painful for his daughter. He feels like if she's going to know he could do a better job or something. In asking, he's trying to protect her. Yeah, he screwed up in ever considering that, but if his wife tells his daughter as she's been threatening to…
There would be a good way to go about this… talking about making mistakes- I almost made the worst mistake of my life, and I'm so glad I didn't.
My Aunt always feels unwanted because her parents told her she was far from a "planned baby," and I just think that means God wanted her on Earth and that I'd rather be an "unplanned baby" than one that was planned. It's all about how you guide the thoughts behind it… clearly my grandparents did a poor job explaining this situation to my Aunt.
I think your advice doesn't answer the question. He is worried about his wife telling her, and he thinks that it is a poor idea, but he can't control his wife's actions.
Maybe I'm missing something…
June 3, 2009 at 9:58 pm
Re: "Here's all the lessons I've learned in my life. It's short because I'm pretty stupid. Ready?
It's not about you. "
Actually, there is nothing stupid about it because expressed in technical terms it is "unselfing the self" – the synopsis of spiritual development.
So, your one liner is "The one liner".
June 3, 2009 at 10:02 pm
Catholicgirl,
It's great that they didn't choose abortion. But as a father he's got to protect his daughter. He's saying his ex is "threatening" to tell her. And he's thinking about telling her to to preempt that. He needs to protect her. And make darn sure that the ex doesn't tell her.
June 3, 2009 at 10:12 pm
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June 3, 2009 at 10:13 pm
Funny, I had a similar situation at about the age of 14. It wasn't concerning my parents wanting to abort me, my father had been divorced twice and dear old mom in the course of their (constant) arguments threatened to spill the beans to my brother and I. Believe it or not, there was a time when divorce was scandalous.
Anyway, my father beat her to the punch. Took the teeth out of that particular snake.
Having gone through that garbage I can understand the father's viewpoint. IMHO the best thing for him to do is let his daughter know a day doesn't go by that he doesn't thank God for her birth. Then just let it go.
June 3, 2009 at 10:22 pm
Next time try not to sugarcoat the message. Dude…
June 3, 2009 at 10:37 pm
As someone who had that EXACT same thing occur (being told you were to have been aborted) it is a HORRIBLE thing to do to your child. Check out my post about it from 6/1/09.
June 3, 2009 at 11:17 pm
I guess I was just trying to say that (if I didn't miss something) we shouldn't be so hard on him because he is in a difficult situation. He has now way of controlling his wife's actions, and he knows that if she tells his daughter, the consequences could be horrible. If he told her, at least he could let her know that he almost made the biggest mistake of his life once by even considering that. Parents aren't perfect. I know mine have made their share of mistakes, and I don't know that I would want to know about the ones they almost made, but I wish mine would at least admit to the mistakes they have made… it would make me feel a lot better knowing that they recognize them as mistakes, and they don’t think poorly of me or something.
Like I said earlier, much of the situation is about how to approach it. If it can be avoided, should you never tell her? When I was 14, my parents had lots of financial struggles, and I used to feel guilty for some of it. They had no idea I had any clue about the situation, but I could over-hear them at night when I opened my bedroom door and sat in the doorway. My point with this story is that like many kids, she may have already found out by having overheard a conversation, especially if the wife threatens frequently.
My main point is that we shouldn't be so hard on a man because he ALMOST made a big mistake and is currently worried about how the mistake he ALMOST made could harm his daughter now. I think he has every right to ask for advice, and I know I wouldn't want to be in his situation, and I know that we don't know all the details, but either way, this situation is a very horrible one to be in. Maybe I'm just being uptight about this… I don't know
June 3, 2009 at 11:35 pm
Why on earth would the MOM want to tell her??? Look, the kid probably already feels like her parents don't love her since they're unwilling to stay together for 4 more years, until she's in college, to spare her the trauma of a divorce JUST AS SHE'S STARTING COLLEGE.
Are they TRYING to make her suicidal or something??? sheesh. Stupid self-centered adults…..
June 4, 2009 at 12:00 am
Matt, this is just another post from you that reconfirms my opinion that you must be a great dad.
June 4, 2009 at 12:23 am
Paul,
I wouldn't want to put it up to a vote with my kids but thanks anyway.
As far as the Dad in the story, yes he's in a bad situation. But you move Heaven and hell in order to protect your daughter from this kind of info. The ex threatening to tell her is as bad as it gets but you stop her.
I couldn't even imagine saddling my child with that kind of info.
June 4, 2009 at 12:47 am
I'm kind of wondering what's wrong with the wife that she didn't get custody– it's very unusual for the husband to get custody if both want the child. Maybe they asked the daughter– that might explain why the woman wants to hurt the girl like this.
That said, no way in heck is it a good idea to bring it up to the daughter. If the woman is going to do something so horrific as say "I was going to kill you before you were born" there's not a lot you can do about it– just pick up the pieces.
Being told by this by your father, who you're very close to, during a nasty divorce, when you're 14… that is the stuff mental breakdowns are made of.
If the ex tells the daughter– unlikely, since that would make her the bad guy, and only hurt him second hand– then you hug the girl, and explain that they were young, scared and nearly made the worst possible mistake of their lives. That being overwhelmed by emotion makes people do horrible things.
(If the girl asks why her mother chose now to say this, the point can be driven home– people overwhelmed by emotion make horrible mistakes.)
It's a horrific situation. The only one worse I can think of is in the case of "selective reductions"– where you abort the extra babies you don't want. "Hey, Billy, you were going to be a triplet, but we didn't want the others."
June 4, 2009 at 2:50 am
It's hard to think of a more vulnerable age for a girl. You do NOT want to do or say things that will have a lifetime negative consequence.
Divorce alone is devastating enough; I know a family in which it caused anorexia, bulimia, sexual promiscuity, loss of faith, and perpetual bad self image in three girls and overeating and a nagging inferiority complex in the boy. One didn't start recovering (not finish) from the effects until after 30.
Adding "oh, we were going to abort you" to the mix is a recipe for lifetime scarring or suicide. I don't care HOW mature you think your daughter is — she doesn't want to hear it.
She only wants to know that you'll protect her and will always be there for her and that you love her no matter what. THAT'S what she wants — and needs — to hear, no matter what else she might say.
June 4, 2009 at 4:49 am
For the children, divorce at any age is a horrible nightmare. The pain never EVER goes away!
Every family event…it's there.
Every Christmas…it's there.
At the birth of every child…it's there.
I always get into trouble for saying this, but it seems to me (a child of divorce), that it's almost worse than a death in the family. It is the wound that won't heal, the scab that gets ripped off time after time after time.
The father's actions here are crucial. Telling her himself would be a mistake, I think, though if the mother inexplicably does, he will have to TRY to tend to his daughter. The poor kid; this is awful.
Regards,
Jenny
June 4, 2009 at 1:03 pm
"Pumpkin?
Mommy and Daddy need a break from each other but we want you to know we love you very very much…….NOW.
Will they also tell her they almost didn't cave in to the Lactation Nazis and not breast feed her?
June 4, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Not exactly the same thing, but a family pediatrician absolutely scolded my mother when she was pregnant with me. She was just about 40, and already had four kids, and he more or less told her to have an abortion because of the possibility that I would have Downs Syndrome. My mother, bless her soul, ran crying from the room and never saw that doctor again.
I'm still bothered by that story, and at the time I heard it I was deeply upset – and it didn't involve my parents seeking to abort me. So yeah, it would probably not be a wise idea to tell your daughter that you thought of killing her in the womb.
June 4, 2009 at 3:15 pm
I saw this Dear Abby article yesterday. Every parent has teachable moments with their children. This is one. Having a large family, with one child adopted, early on we told the children about the fact that their brother only survived because his mother, an addict infected with Aids, refused to accept the advice of ALL her medical caregivers to abort the child. He has grown up tall, healthy and talented. But the abortion debate is now a very personal matter for all our family, and we have gone for years to the annual Life Chain. Our children know that their brother would be dead if his mother had been casual about abortion. Every parent needs to understand that it's not the subject matter that should determine whether a subject should be broached, but how the parent and the child should look at the issue. A 14-year-old is not too young to consider having sex, and the consequences should already have been discussed by that age. There's nothing like makng a matter personal to help a teen think about a matter beforehand rather than in the midst of a crisis.