Now, this is awkward. Mom wants to tell daughter they considered aborting her. Dad wonders if he should be the one to break the news to her that he and her Mom considered ripping her limb from limb. What to do? What to do? Here’s the very real letter to Dear Abby:
DEAR ABBY: I am 45 and currently going through a divorce. My soon-to-be ex-wife and I have a 14-year-old daughter, “Gina,” and I have custody.
Fourteen years ago, when my wife became pregnant with Gina, we had talked about abortion. We even had an appointment scheduled, but on the day of the appointment we decided not to go through with it. I thank God that we did have our child.
Gina knows nothing about any of this, but my future ex has threatened to tell her. My daughter is mature for her age and intelligent, but I feel the time is not right for her to know. Given the situation, I feel she should hear it from me because of the close relationship we have.
Do you agree that the news should wait until the divorce is final and the dust settles, or should I tell her now? — DADDY WHO CARES
CMR’s Response: Dear Daddy Who Cares,
Let me see if I can put this kindly. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FREAKING MIND? Seriously. Get yourself checked into the booby hatch if you consider for one second telling your daughter you considered having her ripped limb from limb because of whatever reason (any reason including you felt you were too young, the band was really starting to gel and you really thought that if you just get on the Mike Douglas show everything would really take off, you secretly hated your wife…whatever.)
The only reason allowable to tell her this is if you’re warning her because you’re considering killing her again but since she’s 14, I think that’s only legal at this late stage in New York and California and maybe Vermont.
I thank God too that you didn’t go ahead with killing your daughter. And I’ll pray to God you don’t go ahead and tell her.
Dude, she’s 14. That’s about the toughest age you get. She’s hitting puberty, she’s already getting all confused about the world as well as going through all the issues related to divorce. And you pick this moment to let her know that Mommy and Daddy considered giving her an acid bath?
Here’s all the lessons I’ve learned in my life. It’s short because I’m pretty stupid. Ready?
It’s not about you.
That’s it. It’s not about you. Once you have children they are your responsibility. And the world stops revolving around you and all your troubles.
You’re a father. Act like it. Fathers protect their daughters. And daughters need to feel protected. If you take that away from her, God help her and you.
June 4, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Recent events have soured many of us against doing anything preemptively. The ex's threat is likely just bluster to get his goat and should be side-stepped so as not to turn it into currency that the ex can use against him. On the chance that ex is so screwed up that she actually drops this bomb out of spite and the daughter asks about it, then with as little drama as possible, lay out the facts and reassure the daughter she is wanted and loved.
June 4, 2009 at 7:53 pm
I think you are all making too big a deal of this. Even the bloggers pin-up, Sarah Palin, admitted she thought about aborting her son with downs Syndrome. We are all sinners and are all tempted to sin. Temptation doesn't count against us in the book of life. It's how we overcome it that matters.
If the facts about this girl's parents came out, the father could use this as an excellent morality play showing how he was tempted, overcame it, and the results are that he was blessed with the daughter he loves and would now give his life for. No need to act like hypocrites here.
June 4, 2009 at 7:59 pm
Rocketscientist – BTW, God bless you 1000 times. And thank God for His miracles that happen every day. And God bless your weean who was given a start at a healthy life in spite of such horrible odds. And may God also bless and help his mother wherever she is now that she may find peace and comfort.
June 4, 2009 at 8:21 pm
There's a world of difference between temptations during the terror when you first find out that your child will have challenges like that– especially given that most folks whose children have chromosomal abnormalities are told to abort the second the test results come back– and just not showing up to the abortion you had scheduled.
(Try finding a pregnancy center that doesn't offer abortion right off the bat when you call up and say "I just found out I'm pregnant"– my sister searched for quite some time, developed a rabid hatred of PP, and I'm still looking for one with a purely pro-life website in my area.)
They chose to kill the girl, committed, and then backed out.
I sent this to my mom– she had some rather unkind words for the sort of woman who would even think of doing this to her child.
(She does know something of the psychology of telling folks unpleasant/difficult truths– she has a wishy-washy cousin who was married for about a year, had twins, and got divorced. The cousin's parents adopted the children, and they grew up with their biological mother as an older sister. The girl figured it out at about fifteen and the boy had it explained at 18. They knew they were adopted, and the girl realized her brother looked *exactly* like her dad's old Navy pictures.)
If, God forbid, the woman goes through with her threat– then is when you make it teachable. You don't dump this on some poor 14 year old.
June 4, 2009 at 8:46 pm
Anon, the main pt. has little to do with the man considering abortion although it's awful. I thank God he chose life for his daughter.
I'm concerned right now with his decision to tell her he considered killing her. That's lunacy.
June 4, 2009 at 8:53 pm
Your concern is noted, but irrelevant since you are not faced with the decision. If you have nevere made a bad choice in your life (i.e. smoking pot, premarital sex, viewing/reading porn, driving drunk etc) then you are a model Christian and will never have to tell your children you ever did anything wrong. If you have, then worry about telling your children about that, and how your decisions will affect thier choices.
Foxfier sailorette the couple did NOT chose to abort their daughter. The considered it. You don't seem to grasp this concept. If they had their choice taken away by force, then you would have a point. But it was their choice up to the last moment, and they chose NOT to have the abortion.
June 4, 2009 at 8:58 pm
Anon, if you make an appointment to get something done, you made a choice.
You've moved beyond considering something, or being tempted.
If you hire a hooker and, just before consummation, choose not to– it is a great deal different from walking down the Las Vegas strip and considering, for a moment, the number on one of the cards you are handed.
June 4, 2009 at 9:29 pm
Fantastic post. Parents need to be PARENTS — once there's a kid, the kid has to come first. That's what being an adult means.
Anon 3:53, read the post again and remember the main point: It's not about YOU. When parents have made mistakes of any kind that are not evident to the world, they do not EVER have to share that with their children. It's their private business, not their children's. Not sharing that does not make them hypocrites. We live in a culture where we think we have to share everything with everyone. Not true. What my parents did or did not do before I was born is not my business and if they were drug fiends or porn addicts pre me, I don't know and I don't care. Sharing something this devastating just to be "honest" is far more harmful than being silent and putting the CHILD first.
June 4, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Foxfier no, you are just wrong here. People go to medical consultations all the time before an actual procedure and often times chose not to (operative word: CHOSE) go through with the procedure. Get this through your head: they CHOSE NOT TO ABORT THE DAUGHTER. Regardless of how close they came to that decision, the CHOICE was NOT to abort her.
Maybe this discussion is a little too close to home for you here since you don't seem to be able to understand this concept. But it really is pretty clear.
June 4, 2009 at 9:35 pm
"No need to act like hypocrites here."
If you cannot listen to an adult conversation without hen-pecking the participants, perhaps your time would be better served elsewhere.
June 4, 2009 at 9:38 pm
Anon, I suspect you're hanging on this for a personal reason, because you're being flat irrational.
Just as looking at a woman with lust is committing adultery in your heart, making an appointment to take your child in and have them dismembered is a sinful act.
Additionally, by all laws, the father did nothing. He has no rights, any more than the child does. He could try to persuade the woman, or he can help or try to bully her, but he had no choice to make in the matter.
June 4, 2009 at 10:02 pm
Foxfier/Sailorette name-calling me irrational is a sure fire sign you have lost the argument and can't come up with anything to justify your position. I could say, "you are completely irrational if you don't understand the concept of choice vs consideration". And I would be correct : ) But you are accurate on one point: unfortunately legally the father does not have rights in this situation and it reasts solely with the mother in this country. That begs the question on whether this is a good or bad thing, since it could work either for OR against the baby in any given situation.
June 4, 2009 at 10:04 pm
Anon-
If name-calling causes one to lose the fight, and stating that someone is irrational– or hypocritical?– is name calling, then you had lost before I ever spoke to you.
June 4, 2009 at 10:13 pm
Foxfier/sailorette something tells me you lost before you even read the article, since you don't seem to comprehend reading very well. I didn't call anyone a hypocrite or say anyone was hypocritical. I said very plainly "no need to act like hypocrites here" in generalities. If you took that to mean you personally, then that speaks more to your character than anything else, as I assure you I wasn't refering to you when I wrote it, or anyone in particular. No need to be so touchey and bitter here. (yes, that was to you : )
June 4, 2009 at 11:28 pm
Scott W:
I disagree. Piling up a lot of comments that basically repeat what was said earlier, increases readership stats on a blog, and may ultimately help the Archie Brothers win more fame and fortune than they can already handle.
Let the games continue!
June 4, 2009 at 11:52 pm
Gail F, I know this is not about ME, since I am not faced with this choice. I was commenting on the poor man who was being essentially FORCED to confront a decision he had to make with his daughter. Obviously, the best thing would be for him to never have to tell his daughter. That is not in dispute. But since it looks like that is being taken away from him, I was saying he could use this as a morality play for his daughter to show how he made the correct decision in the end, and that she is the gift and blessing one receives when we do the right thing.
I gave the other examples of drugs, porn, sex, alcohol abuse etc as they are so rampant in our society that it would be unfathomable if at least on person posting on this blog did none of these. As any parent knows, regardless of the example we set in life in the present, our children innevitably ask us "Mom/Dad, have you ever…" Then we are faced with the following choices; 1. lie against our immortal souls for what we think is the greater good, 2. be completely open and honest with them telling them everything, which may unfortunately have an adverse effect of "well, THEY did it, so we should be able to try it too…" 3. dismissing the discussion outright as out-of-bounds, which can also be adverse 4. explaining a situation in a way that gets the point across (a morality play).
I was just trying to make lemonade-type suggestion from a lose-lose situation.
June 5, 2009 at 5:27 am
Late to the party, but whatever.
I think Abby, for once, had the right answer, but I'd add to it that I think there needs to be some preventative medicine. Basically, the ex-wife seems really messed up, and if she does tell the daughter, I wouldn't want it to be the first thing in her ear. I'd spend a lot of time telling her I know the divorce is difficult, but that I love her more than anything or anyone else in the world, and I am so grateful for her and have been since before she was born. That way, if the mother does do this outrageous terrible thing, the daughter will remember he dad telling her multiple times how glad he is to have her and that she's the best "thing" that ever happened in his life.
~Zee
June 5, 2009 at 4:45 pm
The issue here is: to speak to the child about the issue or not. The decision about whether to discuss it, as a parent, should be: is there an important lesson here that the child can learn? If not, then it would be a private matter which is acceptable to keep private. However, in my opinion, there is an extremetly important lesson here for the child: we love you, we can't imagine life without you, we made a mistake once in even CONSIDERING abortion. We made the right decision in not going through with abortion.
I think by age 14 it is very important that the child see the parents struggling with important issues in a Christian manner. One time my sister, who had left the church at marriage and was a practicing Episcopal with her husband and family, gradually began to struggle with non-Biblical practices within the Episcopal church. She and her husband, being seriously committed christians, began to search for a more authentic place to worship. She was concerned that their children would be devastated at the prospect of leaving their vibrant parish youth groups for another church, and wondered whether the issue should be discussed with them. We suggested that they should be discussing it NOW with their children, because it was important that their children see their parents being so committed to their faith that they were willing to follow their consciences whatever the cost. It became a family issue, with bibles pulled out nightly over the dinner table and discussed. We thank God that after a year of research, discussion and soul-searching, the whole family read themselves into the Catholic church with the aid of the new Catechism and their own bibles. The point here is that unpleasant truths should be discussed with children if there is a lesson to be learned. Sometimes the most important lessons imparted are the ones where the children see the struggle of their parents and the good that comes of it. It teaches them how to live.
June 7, 2009 at 1:45 am
As a Vermonter, I find your comment "maybe Vermont" offensive. Maybe you should check your stereotypes before you promote them – or become them.