This is a weird one. It’s not even a big deal. It’s just one of those things I didn’t see coming when I started staying home with the kids.
I work from home so I’m with the kids ALL THE TIME. From the moment I wake up on Monday morning to Friday night I’m pretty much with the children. If I have to, I take the kids to business meetings with me. But I’m with them all the time and we work well with each other. They’re really very well behaved. Part of it is because we have patterns.
It’s kind of a strange thing and I’m sure many of you have dealt with it. Five days a week you’re in charge. What you say goes – to the extent that your children actually listen to you anyway. If you decide to take the kids to the park. You go. If you think television today is a bad idea. It stays off. If I’m thinking we’re going to the library, we go. I decide what we’re doing for dinner. I decide if I’m cleaning the dishes right after we eat or do I wait until after I get the kids in bed.
Like I said, what I say goes. Not that I don’t ask them what they want to do but in the end I’m the decider.
But then comes the weekend and then all of a sudden my wife comes back and she’s got 50 percent of the vote. And that throws me off. When I make decisions, I sometimes have to pull back because I know it hurts her a little for me just to make decisions for the day without consulting her.
And I’m thrown off when she throws her ideas in the mix because we have our routines. We have set bath times. We do pony tails here, not braids. We do lots of dresses, not pants (except if we’re going on slides). She cares if their socks match their shirts or at least something else they’re wearing, I…well that thought never even crossed my mind.
But my wife often has other ideas and when she acts on them and throws off my expectations, and it makes me stumble a little and it’s everything I have in me not to say something stupid like, “this isn’t how we do things.”
I’m grateful to have her home when she’s home but I’m also thrown off a little too. Anyone else get that?
June 8, 2009 at 5:18 am
I LOVE having my husband around on the weekends, but I can't keep the house clean on those days and well, where does he get off having plans for his weekend? why can't he just fall into line and ask, when he gets up to the front, "What can I do to help?" like everyone else? Ha, seriously though, this absolutely is a universal "problem." We all feel thrown off on weekends.
June 8, 2009 at 5:51 am
After almost 24 years of marriage and 17 of parenthood, we have learned to check calendars, ultimatums, etc. with each other before the kids can play Divide And Conquer.
If you worry about weekends, try deployments! Six months of total control, followed by weeks of alternating bliss and chaos.
June 8, 2009 at 1:33 pm
I agree w/ Suzanne – this is a universal problem! I still can't understand how the house gets destroyed every weekend when it was perfectly tidy on Friday afternoon. He's just one man, how can it look like I suddenly had three more children overnight?
But I am grateful to have him, mess and all.
June 8, 2009 at 1:35 pm
And NancyP – we've done the deployment thing too, but at least they give an "adjustment" class for the spouses about what to expect when their loved one comes home — although for us that still didn't lessen the chaos at reunion time! 🙂
June 8, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Oh, yes, this is a universal problem.
The deployment thing is very difficult. First, you have the spouse at home has total control for 12 months. Then, the soldier comes home expecting things to be the way they were before he left. Total chaos reigns for a bit before each side comes to the middle ground.
That's the one of the many things I'm dreading (reintegration is what the Army calls it) and my husabnd hasn't even left yet.
June 8, 2009 at 2:17 pm
I agree, Matthew, except I have the added wrinkle of the fact that the weekend "encroacher" is head of this here family. The kids are used to mommy being in charge, and have actually told my husband that I am. I actually sometimes like sitting back and letting him make decisions sometimes, but I do agree with the above-commenter: pre-planning is a must!
June 8, 2009 at 3:49 pm
We've done the deployment thing a few times too. What works the best is my husband is smart enough to sit back for the first few weeks to get a feel for how things go. I remember after his first deployment, he was home for two weeks and he decided to make our oldest do something. Her first comment was "Did you clear that with mom first?" He handles them like a dad though.. he's awesome! But yeah.. it's a universal issue, use calendars for the major things, post a daily schedule for things, but over all, patiently accept it all. 🙂
June 8, 2009 at 5:44 pm
It happens both ways, Matt. It's actually reassuring to hear that it's not just our family that gets thrown off by the other Beloved Parent being around. 🙂
June 8, 2009 at 5:48 pm
Matt,
Stop being selfish! Let go of your ego(not eggo)and listen to your wife. The control should be hers!!
June 8, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Welcome to a mom's world!