We were sitting in the conference room halfway through a meeting at about 4:45pm. A colleague across the table is nervously glancing at his watch. The boss, noticing his growing anxiety, interrupts the flow of conversation to say, “Hey guys, let’s try to wrap this up, Jim has his kids today and he has to leave at five sharp.” The priorities shift for all in the room. Banished is the small talk. Less important items can wait until tomorrow, let’s just tackle the big things. We need to be finished by five because Jim, divorced father of two, has his kids on Wednesdays and Thursdays, and family comes first.
We all recognize that divorce is hard, especially when kids are involved. In situations like the one above most people realize that family comes first and make the needed accommodations. This is the right thing to do and usually nobody thinks twice about it. Let’s just wrap it up, Jim has to see his kids.
Now picture another scenario.
We were sitting in the conference room halfway through a meeting at about 4:45pm. A colleague across the table is nervously glancing at his watch. The boss, noticing his growing anxiety, interrupts the flow of conversation to say, “Got some place to be Jim?”
Jim answers, “Well, I was just hoping we could wrap this up by five, my son has a little league game and I want to catch the end of it.”
“Didn’t you have a little league game yesterday?”, ask the boss.
“Yeah. But that was another son. I have two playing little league now and I need to take my daughter to her dance recital rehearsal after the game and my wife can’t take her because the baby is sick and she is taking her to the doctor with the others.”, says Jim.
Jim, you see, is a father of six. He stays late at work at least a couple of times a week but sometimes he has to go because the kids or his wife need him. After all, family comes first.
At five, Jim excuses himself and asks a colleague to fill him in tomorrow on anything he missed. After he leaves, the boss mumbles to himself, “Maybe if Jim got a TV or a hobby, he could finish meetings.” A few others hear his comment and laugh.
The above is a fictionalized compilation of situations and attitudes that I have witnessed myself over years. Of course, this is not the rule, but I have noticed that these attitudes exist and they are not isolated.
These days it seems that when it comes to family values, people can more readily relate to the divorced Dad who sees his kids twice a week than to the father of six who scrambles to get to two little games or dance practices a week.
I am not trying to generalize too much here and I certainly admire any man who puts his kids first no matter what the situation. But it seems to me that today, the divorced dad rushing to pickup his kids is generally seen as a family man but the father of six is often seen as someone who needs to get his priorities straight. It seems upside down. I suppose that people today can more easily relate to the divorced dad than the haggard but happily married father of six. I guess they just see a lot more of the former than the latter.
As many of you have heard, Jon and Kate (of Jon and Kate plus eight) are getting a divorce. It is a sad situation. On the bright side, in light of the things I have seen over the years I wouldn’t be surprised if, in the view of the general public, Jon get upgraded from freak to family man once he has visitation only twice a week.
Me, I prefer to be a freaky father of five who needs to get his priorities straight.
June 25, 2009 at 5:58 am
Unfortunately, many divorced people are also of the mentality of entitlement due to being a "single parent." My sister has two children, both out of wedlock, by two different fathers, and she demands everyone in the family to feel sorry for her or help her in any way she demands. If we don't, she throws a fit (which I allow her to do because I can see through the manipulation). Me, on the other hand, have been told to stop having children (I'm pregnant with #5) and this baby will be born when my husband is on deployment and he won't return until the baby is 6 months old. I've been told I can't handle it all because I also homeschool.
So I understand your realization of the priorities with single parenting versus married parenting. I, too, prefer my life.
June 25, 2009 at 6:54 am
As a father of two I have only seen either absolute non-accomodation for children, or reassuring acceptance. In my immediate team of 6 reports, 2 (both women) are not parents. Among my peers and manager, it's about 50/50. I don't know if my team set the precedent or if it helped that my manager just had his first newborn, but there is a very high level of accomodation for any family circumstance, and I am in the belly of a bestial high tech soul-sucking corporation. I will say that the value of ones work, plus the frequency of the cases for "exceptions" due to family issues play a big role in influencing the overall climate.
June 25, 2009 at 8:38 am
I prefer you to be a freaky father of five who has his priorities straight, too. God bless you in your uncommon life values!!! Let us all pray fewer families divorce and learn to just get along.
June 25, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Thank you for this post. My husband experiences this attitude with snide and rude comments from co-workers and family daily. He works late 2 days a week in order to flex time the other 3 for baseball, soccer, and entertaining the younger children if I have an appointment. It is so sad that our culture has rejected hard-working men who love their wives and children and embraced the single parent struggling to balance life and love. Shameful.
June 25, 2009 at 2:47 pm
We love the underdog, so my guess is that people feel sorry for the divorced father who lives in a state of brokeness. However, the happily married guy has it all made, so they give him a harder time.
June 25, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Last year there was a particularly busy week at home with various family activities, so I "cut back" to 9 – 10 hr days at work that week. My boss asked me if everything was alright at home since he noticed I had been leaving early that week. Pretty sad when people think that working 10 hr days is leaving early…
June 27, 2009 at 5:40 pm
I am the father of seven and the manager at a chemical plant so I frequently rub up against both situations – I am the juggling Dad and some of the guys working for me are single dads by divorce. I've worked in both kinds of environments from family friendly to snide. When I have worker who cites the single dad/divorced dad priorities,its those children who have my sympathy. I remind coworkers that staying married is tough too, takes work to complete, and is the most rewarding vocation.
June 28, 2009 at 5:18 am
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF NO FAULT DIVORCE?
SEEMS, NOT TO ME!!!!!!!!!!
YOU ATTACK ALL PEOPLE WHO ARE DIVORCED WITH THIS WIDE BRUSH OF A COMMENTARY.
YOU SHOULD, IN A SEPARATE COLUMN, SPECIFICALLY, APOLOGIZE TO ALL SPOUSES WHO HAVE BEEN MALICIOUSLY ABANDONED AND WHO REMAIN FAITHFUL TO THEIR VOWS AND WHO DO ALL THEY CAN TO MAINTAIN THEIR RELATIONS SHIPS WITH THEIR CHILDREN.
YOU ARE WOEFULLY UNDERINFORMED AND YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM.
WHY DON'T YOU WRITE COLUMNS CALLING FOR THE FORMAL EXCOMMUNICATION OF SPOUSES WHO CALL THEMSELVES CATHOLIC, BUT FOR NO REASON SUPPORTED BY CATHOLIC THEOLOGY OR CANON LAW, ARE ENCOURAGED BY PRIESTS AND LAITY TO "MOVE ON" AND DIVORCE THEIR SPOUSE IN ORDER TO SEEK AN ANNULMENT, WHICH OFTEN OBSCURES THE REAL MOTIVE AND THAT IS TO JUSTIFY THE ADULTERY THAT IS ALREADY IN THE HEART OF THE MALICIOUS ABANDONER, TO WHICH THE CATHOLIC CHURCH IS AM EAGER ENABLER!!!!!!!
I SAW THE LIGHT
June 29, 2009 at 6:19 am
Anonymous, you didn't understand what he wrote. He was talking about our society treating parents of large families as freaks, whereas part-time custodial parenting is seen as "normal". I'm childless and single, yet I understand what he wrote.
Is there someone in real life that you could talk to about your situation? You're obviously upset and venting online will only make you feel worse, not better. (Speaking from experience here.)