Sorry to go all Andy Rooney but, did you ever notice…
For the fathers out there with a bunch of kids, I have a question. Is it just me? Whenever I am out with my five kids someplace, a park, the store, or even church I get the question. You all know the question, but I am not interested in the question right now. I am interested in what comes after the question.
I am out somewhere with the kids and someone, typically another mother, will mosey on up and ask me with a disbelieving look “are they all yours?” The snark rolodex then whirs into frenetic motion trying to find just the right response. I could use Matt’s line about them actually being hitchhikers I picked up because I thought they looked so darn much like the others. I could make a remark about how I just have the young ones and the other ones are still at home school. I could give them the unblinking stare and ask them if I can share some literature with them. But instead I opt for brevity and respond “Uh huh.”
But then, then comes the part that gets me. More often than not I will get some variation on the following remark. “Your wife must be a saint.” Now the truth is that my wife is a saint. She has more patience than Job and the wisdom of Solomon, but how do they know that? Why don’t they ever say “You must be a saint?” For all they know my wife could have run off with K-fed six months ago, after all I am the one out with the kids. But no, she is the presumed saint and I am presumed to be on supervised visitation.
So I have decided to update my snark rolodex with some retorts to this derisive presumption. I thought that one clever response would be to suddenly break out in tears and ask the offender if they know my wife and if they have seen her lately as the kids miss her. But, being a guy, displays of such emotion are difficult for me. Then I thought that I could mumble something about how I truly believe she could be a saint one day, after she gets out of rehab … again. That was better, but still requires me to really sell it and frankly that takes too much energy, I am with the kids I remind you. Anyway, I have my new response at the ready the next time some unsuspecting soul tries to confer blind sainthood on my wife. Ready?
Hey, are all those yours?
Ummm, yes.
Wow. Your wife must be a …
YES! Yes she is. But the kids and I love her anyway.
August 21, 2009 at 4:49 am
When they ask you, just say, "Yes, yes they are. Just doing my small part to make sure at least one more generation of pastey-white doughey Celts with a propensity towards alcoholism and spousal abuse populates the earth. Can't miss out on this gene pool. No surrey!
August 21, 2009 at 5:07 am
LOL!!! My husband gets this all the time.
Ah but you are forgetting those 9 (or more) months of pregnancy, bloating, sickness, back pain, insomnia, leg cramps, and general physical misery culminating in several frankly unpleasant (though immeasurably rewarding in the end, yes – of course)hours in labor and delivery – times 5.
It's okay though. I'd be the first to nominate my husband for sainthood. You guys are absolutely extraordinary. 🙂
August 21, 2009 at 6:16 am
You're lame, Anony. Too true, Anita.
Let me try some snark:
"Only Two. Guess which aren't and win a prize."
Once you get the Saint line, start creepy laughing and don't stop. Ill advised, but I'd love it.
Hmm… everything else is coming out too dark. Give me some help, everybody.
August 21, 2009 at 12:20 pm
I get the question all the time and try to avoid the snark unless they get all snarky first. Then I still try to avoid the snark, but sometimes the snark gets the better of me.
Funny, though, they usually accuse me of being a saint and not my husband. It must have something to do with the child-bearing part and not so much the child-rearing part.
August 21, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Just remember the old saying: "A Saint is someone who lives with a Martyr!" 😉
Btw– does anyone have a good answer to 'Wow! you've sure got your hands full!' (I'm pregant and have a 6, a 4 and a 2)
The best I can ever come up with is "They're a lot of fun!"
(Which is true. Plus, at the moment my hands are very NOT full, since the 6 year old is pretty responsible, the 4 year old is becoming almost sane, and the 2 year old has declared himself NOT a baby and wants to walk everywhere. Actually, this is the emptiest my hands have been in years!)
August 21, 2009 at 2:19 pm
What's really bad is that I have 4 BOYS (it always sounds like something evvilll when people say that!) and everyone wants to "God Bless" me, etc. The hubby usually gets the basketball team comments. But Patrick has a good point. My husband, who works out of the house and spends quite a bit of time with the boys is much more patient and fun than I am. He really deserves the compliment.
August 21, 2009 at 2:36 pm
To the oft-repeated "hands full" comment, I either say, "Better full than empty," or "Pleasantly so." I have yet to be called a saint, though I am often asked, "How do you do it?"
August 21, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Funny. One time we were all at a McDonalds in DC (husband, me, and 6 kids), and a man came up to my husband and asked him "the question": Are they all yours? Meanwhile, I'm standing right there. Then he grabs my husbands hand and starts shaking it up and down dramatically and "God Bless You"s were said. I don't think he even made eye contact with me. Maybe he thought I was one of the kids (Ha-ha).
August 21, 2009 at 3:09 pm
I often get the "You are a Saint!" comment from my own mother. I only have a 6, 3, and 15 month old. This is an obvious projection of her own lack of patience and anxiety, but it is offensive because what does that make my kids? Little hellions? Hardly. And to the "You have your hands full!" comments I usually say "Yes! Full of love, my friend!" But I like that "Better full than empty," comment above, too.
August 21, 2009 at 3:11 pm
That would be a 6 year old, 3 year old and 15month old above. NOT a 3month, 6 month and 15 month old. I guess then I would be a Saint. Ha!
August 21, 2009 at 3:46 pm
We have 6 kids, and my brother-in-law gave us the best answer to the "Are they all yours?" question: "Yes. We think 6 (insert your number of children here) is a good start!"
Kate
August 21, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Maybe I'm just oversensitive, but the underlying assumption behind Inquisitive Other Parent seems to be, "You [the dad] clearly are a jerk for making your wife have all those kids!!" Because as Anita mentioned above, being a mother *is* hard…. but so is being a dad!
I don't think I'm witty enough to come up with a clever retort, though.
August 21, 2009 at 4:45 pm
I get the "You've got your hands full" comment a lot, and I usually say, "In a good way." Most often, I run into people who say, "My, you have a lot of helpers, today!" And, sometimes, I'm inclined to agree. I only have three so far, but I have had the occasional, "You poor thing!" comment, which surprises and annoys me more than anything. When I was pregnant with my second, a grocery cashier actually told me she pitied me for having a second child on the way–saying I'd be awfully busy. Is being "busy" a curse with these people–or do they just not like that particular kind of busy?
Great article, by the way.
August 21, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Haha, lots of great comments! You could try what my mother did after getting sick of the questions- she actually had a shirt made- on one side it said "YES! They are all mine!"
As far as your wife being a saint- it seems to me to be rather rude to compliment someone who's not there and offer no compliment to the person who is. I wish I had a snarky comment for it but I doubt most folks would get, "Nah, she's only a blessed…" or "Not enough miracles yet…"
August 21, 2009 at 4:50 pm
If I was in a surly mood – and being at the park with four kids would likely do that – I would respond to the question "Are the all yours?" with –
"Don't know yet – still waiting on the DNA tests."
If they got to the "sainthood test", I'd probably opt for the 'pained, silent expression'. Silence has a way of letting stupid questions and statements linger in the air and come to fruition – much like a fart.
Otherwise, I might opt for something along the lines of
"Yeah. Her two miracles are she married me and she didn't kill me after pregnancy number four." Or there is the always reliable
"I'm not sure. Can witches be saints?"
Of course, please don't tell my wife I said that…
August 21, 2009 at 5:03 pm
I still like the reply that our Pastor's mother gave to that question (she had 6, and 2 became priests):
"Yep… and they're all by the same father!"
It shut them right up, I tell you…
August 21, 2009 at 5:22 pm
That's some funny snark, Daniel, and your mom ROCKS Nzie.
Are they all yours:
"Yep. That's the last time I make a bet on how many times my wife can get pregnant."
"Why? Are you planning on making a donation?"
"It was either this or sail around the world, and I get sea sick very easily."
Your wife must be a saint:
"Yeah, but she's only the Saint of Snackfoods, so we get by."
"Not quite yet, still waiting for Vatican paperwork to go through."
"Actually, I'm the one that wears the Blessed pants in the family."
Or just cut to the chase:
"Well, when your wife's a Saint, you know. Obligations."
August 21, 2009 at 5:32 pm
I'm dying of laughter at some of these.
I get alot of these questions all the time (I'm pregnant with #5) but then it can get horrible because people always ask me "So why didn't you stop at the boy?" (he's number 4- the others are girls) I *HATE* that question because it makes me feel like my girls weren't worthy enough to be born, as if we were waiting specifically for a boy.
I do get told "You must be a saint." but I just tell them "No, can't do this without God."
August 21, 2009 at 5:48 pm
Paladin,
I actually had a woman ask me on a bus in Baltimore, "All them babies got the same father?" After my positive response she made some comments about the predilections of black men that a white person just can't repeat. In Baltimore I also got comments suggesting that I tell my husband to "keep it in his pants" and even comments suggesting I tell him to find another woman to help him deal with his lust, or to have any more kids he wanted to have. I was young and used to try earnestly to try to explain that I liked sex and didn't mind having children, which was silly of me considering that really this whole area was not the business of strangers on a city bus.
I always found the "You've got your ticket to heaven" and "You're going straight to heaven" comments to be the most embarrassing, since I was highly aware of my sins both as a mother and otherwise and didn't want such presumption uttered in my name.
I didn't find "You've got your hands full," to be objectionable unless the way it was said indicated that it was meant to be. It falls into the category of someone not being able to think of anything more original to say. It means, you must be busy, and it cannot be denied that the mother of many children is busy. I suppose I rather liked it because it acknowledged that my life involved effort and work, something that I heard little acknowledgement of otherwise.
In fact my favorite comment was only indirectly about the kids. It came when we lived out in the country, and my clothesline was stretched between two large trees in the front yard, probaby about 250' long, propped up at intervals by sticks, and always full of clothes, including cloth diapers. One lady, when she heard where I lived, said, "Oh, you're the lady with the laundry. When we go by there, we ask ourselves if you have time to do anything else but laundry." Since I knew I was also cooking three meals a day and gardening and canning and nursing a baby and giving baths and reading bedtime stories, I felt that here was someone who truly recognized my efforts.
Probably the most unpleasant comment I received, when I was visibly pregnant with number four, was from a cashier in a grocery store, who said "Why don't you get yourself fixed so this doesn't keep happening to you?" "But, But, But," I spluttered, "But I WANT all my children."
Susan Peterson
August 21, 2009 at 5:57 pm
I loved the Vatican paperwork comment. I've nevver had the kind of quick wit with to respond to these comments, except once. A woman who was obviously shocked in a department store when I had my three middle children in the triple stroller, a baby in a front carrier and two older elementary age ones holding to the sides. She said "are these all yours?" When assured that they were, she muttered "Better you than me!" I retorted "I agree!" People all around us cracked up. I doubt she even got the jab, which is probably a good thing or I would have had to take them all with me to confession.