They say you can’t take it with you. Well, just watch me. I’m talking about secrets.
Newsflash to the 21st century: Not every iota of information in your life needs to be spoken out loud.
I know that’s kind of ironic coming from a blogger who often shares stories about his family life but I don’t get the whole need for self revelation. I mean I understand someone like Mackenzie Phillips going on Oprah. There seems to be a bottom line to that.
But I really don’t understand the need for regular everyday parents feeling the need to unburden themselves to their children. I have a friend. Good guy. We were talking about idiotic stuff we’d done in college. The conversation then turned to him telling his children about stupid things he did when he was younger.
My friend wondered to me how he would tell his two daughters that he and their Mom lived together before they got married. And how he used to smoke marijuana when he was younger. Mind you, these are two things he wouldn’t do now but he’s wondering how to tell his daughters when they grow up a little.
What? Why tell them?
He said, “Don’t you think they have a right to know?”
Noooooooooooo.
I mean, what is it with people seeking to unburden themselves? Your children don’t need to know anything like that about you.
You know what a thirteen year old hears when they hear about Mom and Dad shacking up and giggling in bed while toking it up. They hear permission. You’re essentially telling them that you can mess up royally and still end up with a wonderful spouse, a big house and two wonderful children. You might as well give them your dealer’s home number.
He said, “But if they ask I’m not going to lie.”
And I’m like “Why not?” And if you’re uncomfortable with lying then just reroute them for goodness sakes. Offer them ice cream.
I’ve got plenty of stuff that’s between me and my priest and that’s it. Actually, I’m lying even now. I sometimes go to Confession at a neighboring parish because I don’t want my pastor who might recognize my voice to know my sins. I’m not even talking particularly bad stuff. No bodies in the basement (but that’s maybe because I don’t actually have a basement)
Whatever happened to family secrets? Look, I know there’s tons of stuff my Mom knows that I couldn’t get out of her with a crowbar. And I’m cool with that. Same for me.
I don’t want my kids to relate to me. I want my kids to look up to me. To model themselves after my behavior. Look, my kids know I’m not perfect. They live with me for goodness sakes. My kids see enough of my present day stupidity. They don’t need to be burdened with tales of adolescent stupidity.
And when my children ask me how I did in school I lie. You want to know why? Because I was terrible. In high school I missed more days than I was there. If I didn’t feel like going to class I didn’t. You think I’m going to talk to my kids about that while they’re still in high school? I’m not.
They don’t need a Dad who’s a chatty Cathy relating stories and saying idiotic things like “it was the right decision for me at the time.” Sign me up for the strong silent kind of Dad.
Look, when my kids are older and I don’t fear that my past stupidities will give them permission to be stupid I’ll tell them. And if I die before I get to tell them how stupid I was that’s fine. Make it an extra large coffin with room for me and all my secrets.
October 8, 2009 at 3:48 am
Amen!
October 8, 2009 at 5:07 am
I agree about not telling children things children need not know, but lying is wrong. Always wrong.
~cmpt
October 8, 2009 at 6:02 am
There's nothing wrong with telling your curious children, "You know, I've done things I'm not proud of, but I also do not have to tell you what those things were. So, I'm not going to. When you are grown up and an adult, we might chat like adults where I may answer those questions in conversation or just because you ask and you're old enough to hear it." That's my line with my kids (who I have told too much to already and I'm back tracking – so it's okay to backtrack, too).
October 8, 2009 at 7:00 am
I generally agree– people tell too much. But I have to tell you, I think on the big 'regres' it can be much better to talk about them with your kids. Why? Because they hear it from you first.
My parents managed to avoid sexual sin before marriage, but I can tell you my dad telling me about a near miss made an impression. My folks framed the issue– this is why we believe this, this is why it matters. This is why you shouldn't do what "everyone's doing."
The other good result is that they made sure I knew they were a source of information on the personal topics. I didn't come up with any really crazy questions, but I did have a few– and I asked my mom, not the kids at school or the interweb. I even know things like my mom only worked in the classes she cared about- but she made sure she had a 3.8 and got scholarships.
I'm sure my folks haven't told me everything. And I don't believe a child has a "right to know" like you said. But I think if a parent talks about past wrongs, etc., it can be a powerful antidote if done properly. My folks were very open with me about things within the proper context- as a result, I'm 23 and have been chaste, graduated magna, never tried drugs, and never been drunk (and I went to a party school, too).
I don't know if there's one answer for every family, but the honest approach, within reason and with proper explaining, worked for mine.
October 8, 2009 at 9:11 am
Who says your kids won't read it here at your blog?
Hrvat
October 8, 2009 at 12:28 pm
cmpt,
I think one can make a strong ethical case that one can lie if the person asking has no right to the information.
October 8, 2009 at 1:03 pm
It might be so that it's permissible to lie to people who have no right to the information–I'm not sure. But I have said to my teenagers: you know you can trust me on this, because I've never lied to you.
I am very happy to be able to say that.
Once I (mistakenly) thought my husband had lied to me, about something I had no right to know. I was devastated. Lying to people who love and trust you isn't just a matter of what they do and don't have a right to know; it's a matter of the trust between you.
October 8, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Hmm… Thinking ahead to raising my own children and the ungodly mess my life was before God (it's still a mess, but one that at least has some God in it:). I think I'll probably have to keep several of the skeletons in my closet locked away in long term storage until my kids are old enough to hear about it (or old enough for it to be relevant).
My mom was of the "share everything at every time" philosophy. She told us about sex, condoms, birth control, etc at the ripe age of 7 (ok, my sisters were 9, but she didn't kick me out of the room). I'm not making this up- she really thought she was doing us a favor! She told us about her exploits in highschool and college when we were in middle school and raised us to think that sex was something we could handle at a young age (14 for me…). She said, "If you're old enough to know to use protection, then you're adult enough to be having sex."
Ick.
And look at all the heartbreak such permission lead me into. She's not to blame for my mistakes, but had I been taught otherwise and had a better standard held up for me, I might not have made the same decisions I made.
Lesson: even the most imperfect parents are still responsible for holding their children to a higher standard and can still have positive (or negative as my mother proved) influence over their children despite their past mistakes.
We're all sinners, but we're not supposed to encourage each other to sin…
October 8, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Totally agree. I tell them the funny things, like the time I thought I was being chased by an armadillo. But I won't tell them how stoned I was WHEN I thought I was being chased by said armadillo. My children will have to read my dairy when I'm gone and maybe write a movie script…Oh, and I'm glad to know I'm not the only one to visit another parish for regular confession…..
October 8, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Agreed. No need to cite personal history in order to get a point across. The old, "I knew a guy who tried this and boy was he sorry" will come close enough.
I'd rather my kids thought of me as one of Life's wise witnesses to the unbelievable stupidity of others. They don't need to know what a train wreck I can make of things when the testosterone takes over. As has already been said, that admission can imply permission to carry on a family tradition of arrogant stupidity.
Going to a different parish for regular confession must be pretty common. Here I thought I was in the minority, guess not. Now I know why theres so much traffic on Saturday afternoons.
October 8, 2009 at 1:55 pm
If I ever have children I may tell them about my past, but it would be in a "see how much pain I put myself through" kind of way. When I decided to be put God's commandments first it was amazing how He worked through my life.
In that way I relate any "happiness today" with faith and trust in God, not in the idiocy of my youth.
I very much dislike lying. I'm currently suffering because I failed to be open and honest with someone and in fact was dishonest through my actions.
While I think there are some things that children shouldn't hear yet, you can simply say that information would be too heavy for them at this time. (I'm thinking of a story of a girl on a train with her father, just as asking her to lift a heavy bag would make him a bad father, so would asking her to "lift" such heavy knowledge).
October 8, 2009 at 3:15 pm
I too go to neighboring parishes for Confession! It's hard when your parish priest is also a personal acquaintance to confess the grittier side of your life to them. I'm sure my priest is very aware of my sins anyhow though, it doesn't take long for my failings to show up!
I'm with Christina on lying too. Even if someone asks you, you still have the right to plead the 5th. Just because someone wants to know something, doesn't give them the right to know. You must not lie in the face of a difficult (or impossible) question, just say that the information is none of their business at this time.
October 8, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Amen, brother! Amen…
My kids have a first row seat to all of my flaws, as it stands right now…I sure don't need to add to it by divulging past stupidity.
The most important lesson we can learn from our past is to never give those we love the incentive to repeat it…
October 8, 2009 at 8:28 pm
I have five kids and I homeschool them. I haven't told them a lot of my past, but they know I was out of the state of grace for awhile and I didn't attend Mass for a while. They also know that it caused me great pain. I imagine that I will reveal some things later if and when I think it is necessary and is a teaching moment. My kids don't have the peer pressure that others have who are schooled, and I think that they will understand not to get into those situations. Already, they amaze me by begging us to drive over an hour to assist at a TLM instead of driving 5 minutes to our regular church where the liturgy is a bit liberal.
BTW, we don't have the luxury of staying in town for confession–our priest doesn't offer it.
Otherwise, I wouldn't have a problem staying. It is said that the Holy Spirit helps the priest forget what people confess.
Suzanne
October 9, 2009 at 1:30 am
Dan,
No. No such case can be made. If the person asking has no right to the information, then you may simply refuse to answer the question, which is perfectly legitimate. You may not lie. It bears repeating: Lying is always wrong. Every time, in every situation. There are absolutely no exceptions whatsoever.
If the Nazis are at your door and you are hiding Jews, you may not lie. You may make a broad (not strict) mental reservation, but you may never contradict the truth clear and present to your mind. Read Augustine on this.
Your error lies in thinking that the malice of lying takes its only source from the harm done to the deceived. While this is one source of the malice of lying, it is not the only one or even the essential one. The essential malice of lying lies with the abuse of language, which is a gift from God meant to faithfully communicate ideas between minds. Lying then is a grave distortion of the purpose of language.
When you say a case can be made for lying when the person inquiring has no right to the truth, you are essentially saying that lying is okay so long as no harm comes to the deceived. (Since this harm could be imputed only if, as you say, they had a right to the information denied.) But this is an error analogous to those who argue that carnal pleasures outside of marriage are permissible so long as all participants are willing. And it is erroneous for the same reason: because the evil in unlawful carnal pleasures proceeds chiefly from the misuse of a Divine gift with a revealed purpose.
No case can be made for lying.
~cmpt
October 9, 2009 at 11:15 am
Well said, Christopher Michael! The Catechism 2482-2492 covers this issue pretty thoroughly also.
October 13, 2009 at 6:47 pm
You brilliantly destroyed one of the very worst prevailing 'wisdoms' of our age.
Parents might intend well, but they are truly exercisingvery poor judgment in doing this.
BRAVO!