They had to go and do it! One! In the history of my life I like one Christian pop song and now I can never listen to it again.
We all know that we would prefer mixing soda with poprocks over Christian Pop/Rock any day. Actually poprocks are aptly named cousins of Christian pop/rock, a sugary sweet exploding candy that rumor has it can kill you. Christian pop/rock is that bad, with one exception.
I really like—correction—I used to really like Mercy Me’s “I Can Only Imagine.” It is what all Christian rock should aspire to be but isn’t—good. Now the song is dead to me.
Last Sunday, my daughter’s catechism class got together to go to mass, the 5:30 pm Mass, the teen Mass. So we all went to the teen Mass. Then at communion time…
I’m sorry, give me a moment. This is so tough. Pull yourself together Pat! Pull yourself together! Ok. Continuing.
Then at communion time, I heard the first couple of notes. I looked at my wife in total desperation. She looked back. We were helpless.
It is not just that the song was completely inappropriate for a communion hymn, it was just SOOOO bad. The lead singer was passable but the backup vocalist (whose mic seemed to be about 4x louder than necessary) was flatter than that dry salt lake in Utah. They destroyed it. I mean they destroyed it so bad that my wife was actually laughing. Yes, my wife was laughing at communion time. The song was so bad, my saintly wife now needs to go to confession. That’s bad.
I am sorry to say, I need to go to confession as well. I am not guilty of my wife’s irreverence and poor laughter control. I am guilty of the sin of despair and worse, much worse.
Standing in the back because the baby was being noisy, the atrocity pelted my ears. I quickly looked around, I needed a way out. Perhaps I could use the edge of a bulletin to cut my wrists. Death by paper cut. That wouldn’t work, surrounded by all these church-going goody-two-shoes, they would stop the bleeding before I died. I needed something quicker.
Perhaps if I smashed the holy water font, I could use the broken glass. No, still too slow. But then I realized how selfish and cowardly suicide would be. I couldn’t just kill myself like that. That would be terribly selfish and wrong. What about all the other people who would be left to suffer. No, I had to take the youth choir with me.
I remembered that I had some garden fertilizer left in the van. I wondered how long it would take me to siphon gas out of my Toyota Sienna and mix it with the fertilizer. Maybe then I could pack the mixture in my socks, secure them to my belt, pop the cigarette lighter, and make a mad dash across the parking lot, through the doors, and straight toward the guitar and drum section.
As I worked out the final logistics of my plan, the song mercifully ended. I slowly backed off the mental ledge that I found myself on. What was I thinking? Now I must confess my crime, my sin. What will the priest think of me?
Will the priest think I am a terrible person? Selfish? Stupid? I mean, that lighter would never have stayed lit while I ran across the parking lot. I needed a fuse.
November 20, 2009 at 5:07 am
Patrick, I think someone needs to be raised up on Eagle's wings.
November 20, 2009 at 5:35 am
Oh dear! No one needs to go to confession. I'm sure Jesus gets a chuckle out of oddities such as this.
We are strange creatures indeed. Watching us work, play, and pray, sometimes very badly, must be far more amusing than Sims 3.
November 20, 2009 at 5:43 am
HAHAHA! You're hilarious! This is a gem. 😀
November 20, 2009 at 7:27 am
I want to be you when I grow up.
If you EVER… and I mean EVER… want a dramatic video of this done… I will do it for you! I will… and post it on you tube!
November 20, 2009 at 7:33 am
Awesome. I can remember a mass once where a tuba was just slightly off-key and it grated one me badly.
But uh… (This is a rant. Take it or leave it.)
We all know that we would prefer mixing soda with poprocks over Christian Pop/Rock any day.
News to me! There IS good Christian rock out there. Just not a lot of it. Jars of Clay, Five Iron Frenzy, The Echoing Green…all solid musically and, for the most part at least, lyrically. Unfortunately just like in 'non-Christian' rock a lot of the most truly creative artists only last one and 1/2 full albums :/. That said, I'm aware a lot of it is bad, but in my mind putting MercyMe up as an example of the stellar stuff (even a fairly decent modern-worship song like Imagine) doesn't strike me true. Granted, I'm a good deal younger than the people who write this blog. And more Protestant in mind (as well as, currently at least, technicality). But in my humble opinion, if MercyMe is good music, Jars of Clay is phenomenal.
November 20, 2009 at 10:15 am
Best to stay away from most of the "mainstream" Christian pop/rock groups and stick to small and independent-label artists. Two excellent Christian singers/groups I can recommend musically and lyrically, mostly available on iTunes and via their own Web sites, are Jeremy Casella and Five O'Clock People. Excellent stuff by those two!
November 20, 2009 at 11:41 am
I have only one thing to say:
Tim Hawkins!
November 20, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Oh, yes. Can I get a witness? Or a witless?
I know that there are some good musicians among the whole "Christian pop/rock" scene. I know some of them, but really. I even hate the word.
I will confess the sin of musical snobbery. And, sadly for me, I loved your wife's reaction:-).
November 20, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Christian+Rock –the very phrase gives me the heebie jeebies –the way Sarah Palin makes liberals start hyperventalating or hyperranting. I know there is good stuff. But I don't want to exhert the mental energy to find it, much less hear it.
But, it could have been worse. It could have been Haugen and, wait for it….there could have been dancing.
November 20, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Brilliant stuff. I love it.
I am fortunate enough to attend Mass where the music is not always performed beautifully, but what is played is also almost always very appropriate. Yet the communion hymn is almost ivariably drek. This is also the case at one of the other parishes I attend on occasion (both the general beaty of the music and the horribleness of the communion anthem). So I wonder: are there actually any good Communion hymns?
November 20, 2009 at 2:18 pm
There is this wretched song that our folk group used to sing that was banned by the pastor (I'm quite certain by popular demand). It went something like "He is our Spirit Friend, blah blah blah blah spirit friend" (make sure to clap on the syllables in "spirit friend".
I would gladly listen to any Haugen music over that drivel.
November 20, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Holy buckets, that was great!! The YouTube video idea sounds brilliant, too. I'd watch it–and forward it to lots and lots of people, even. Oh, and thanks, Éamonn, for the Tim Hawkins link. Good stuff.
November 20, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Paul asked: "So I wonder: are there actually any good Communion hymns?"
Here's one:
Soul of my Savior
(English translation of Anima Christi)
Soul of my Savior sanctify my breast,
Body of Christ, be thou my saving guest,
Blood of my Savior, bathe me in thy tide,
wash me with waters gushing from thy side.
Strength and protection may thy passion be,
O blessed Jesus, hear and answer me;
deep in thy wounds, Lord, hide and shelter me,
so shall I never, never part from thee.
Guard and defend me from the foe malign,
in death's dread moments make me only thine;
call me and bid me come to thee on high
where I may praise thee with thy saints for ay.
November 20, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Oh, Pat. I, too, must confess rolling with laughter during Mass last weekend. I thought for a brief moment sbout setting myself aflame as well. We began last Sunday with the classic hymn, "Gather Us In". During the offering, the congregation sang a few stanzas of "Sing a New Song." During communion, the quitarist strummed "Table of Plenty". If that were not enough, during the recession hymn of "My Country Tis of Thee" a parishioner felt so moved, he pulled out his tamborine. This, sadly, is a true story. Unfortunately, I could no longer refrain myself and burst into laughter. Following my example, our two teenage boys began laughing, then the 3 year old. My husband was not amused. What can one do? Take a longer fuse…..
November 20, 2009 at 4:51 pm
We actually sang Soul of My Savior last Sunday…beautiful!
Cindy…that's like the trifecta of awfulness!
November 20, 2009 at 5:39 pm
I really hate to post this, I do, but I just have to say:
We have a harmonica player in our choir. I'm sure he is a very lovely person and I do appreciate the time he gives to our church by blessing us with his gifts. But. The other day the choir started singing this stunning hymn at communion time. I'm not sure the name of it (I'm a new convert and don't know Latin) — something Dominus? Anyway, hearing the sounds of this chant/hymn beginning to float through the air as if from the mouths of the angels themselves sent a chill down my spine.
And then the harmonica started.
A piece of me died that day. (And then, at a different Mass, the same hymn was accompanied by guitar. I might need to get on medication if this trend continues. What's next? Dum Transisset Sabbatum with accordion?)
November 20, 2009 at 5:39 pm
Isn't it "Gather Us In" that has that dreadful line about "not in some heaven, light years away…". My husband goes ballistic (facially) whenever we're forced to listen to that one! At least, in our new parish, they drop that verse when "Gather Us In" is the entrance song. Funny stuff.
November 20, 2009 at 5:54 pm
If you don't have the Faith, the Novus Ordo will not help you towards it. If you do have the Faith, the Novus Ordo will move you farther from it.
November 20, 2009 at 7:03 pm
I don't think I have ever heard "Soul of My Savior" at Mass, or at least certainly not at St. Matt's. But it's nice to know there's something good out there.
November 20, 2009 at 8:04 pm
On behalf of mediocre church musicians everywhere, I apologize for ruining a song for you.
I wonder if I've ever completely ruined the Mass for someone with my rather talentless renditions?
I also often wonder if no music is better than mediocre music. This post makes me think so. Can I quote you next time the liturgist begs me to accompany someone so there will be music at Mass?