News reports say that the first school in the D.C. area named after President Barack Obama opened today as the school year began.
Barack Obama Elementary School opened its doors in Upper Marlboro, Md. This school will have several unique issues:
1) Geography students will be taught there are 57 states.
2) Math students will learn that if you subtract enough you get a plus.
3) No child is allowed to attend any other school, especially private religious schools.
4) No child will put their hand on their heart during the Pledge of Allegiance.
5) The Pledge will actually not be said.
6) Abortions will be available free of charge in the “Don’t wanna be punished with a baby” clinic and performed by the school nurse without parental consent.
7) No official transcripts will be kept on students or ever released.
8) Teachers must say, “Let me be perfectly clear…” before saying something completely confusing.
9) All teachers will use teleprompters.
10) The student chorus will sing “Barack Hussein Obama MMM-mmm-MMM at every event.
11) Jews are only allowed in if they promise not to expand their homes.
12) The cafeteria food stinks because Michelle Obama is in charge of the “Battle Obesity” menu.
13) Children play golf instead of doing their classwork a few days a week.
Bonus: There will be no multiplication table drills because Obama doesn’t believe in drilling.
If you’d like to add any please feel free in the combox. Usually the ones you guys put in the combox are better than mine.
August 23, 2010 at 3:26 pm
14) Every student will sing, "This school was made for you and I." ("This land is your land" tune)
gbm3
August 23, 2010 at 3:33 pm
No record of "Tardies" will be kept, afterall, they are the ones they've been waiting for.
Each student will be given a High School Diploma within 30 days of enrolling in Kindergarten. Issued by the Nobel Committee.
August 23, 2010 at 3:43 pm
Any altercations (read fights) between white and black students will result in automatic suspension of white students, with charge of "acted stupidly" placed in white students files.
August 23, 2010 at 3:52 pm
15) The student handbook is a living document.
Gerry
August 23, 2010 at 3:55 pm
14.) Fisting kits will replace boxing gloves in PE.
15.) Field trips to Planned Parenthood will replace visits to museums.
16.) First graders will be given condoms for water balloons and other uses.
August 23, 2010 at 4:00 pm
These are awesome. Where were you guys when I was writing this thing? I hate it when you guys are funnier than me. Makes me feel…inadequate.
August 23, 2010 at 4:01 pm
The whole alphabet (of sexualities) will be taught by V. Gene Robinson. Storytime (and nap supervision) offered by Kevin Jennings.
August 23, 2010 at 4:10 pm
The right of convicted pedophiles to establish a community center across the street should not be questioned, although the School Principal will remain completely agnostic on the wisdom of doing so.
August 23, 2010 at 4:20 pm
Required reading starting in Kindergarden: "Heather has Two Mommies"
August 23, 2010 at 4:20 pm
16) All newly hired faculty and staff are women since they have the "empathy factor".
Gerry
August 23, 2010 at 4:24 pm
All homework will go into a community pile first thing in the morning to be redistributed so that those who spent hours the evening before doing their work won't have better grades than those who went home and did nothing.
August 23, 2010 at 4:49 pm
Yikes.That sounds scary. So
my kids will stay home…
August 23, 2010 at 4:53 pm
17) Since the Pledge of Allegiance is too controversial, the students chant "Yes we can!" while holding signs of "Hope" and "Change" (of course with His image on them!).
Gerry
August 23, 2010 at 4:57 pm
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August 23, 2010 at 4:59 pm
18)No proof of residency or citizenship required to register.
19)Prayer will be allowed but only if led by an imam.
August 23, 2010 at 5:26 pm
God Bless America will not be sung, but the newer version, as re-worked by Barack Obama's long time friend and pastor, Jeremiah Wright will be used.
August 23, 2010 at 5:31 pm
Classroom bullies will be sent to the principal's office, where the object of the bullying will offer his handshake to the bully, and apologize for having provoked the bullying.
August 23, 2010 at 5:53 pm
18) The bus company will soon be paying the school district since cap and trade is the new district policy.
19) Joe Biden is the new vice principal.
Gerry
August 23, 2010 at 6:34 pm
Schoolyard fights are to be referred to as "child-caused disasters".
August 23, 2010 at 6:37 pm
Kathy at 12:31, that was my favorite but needs slight improvement.
"…where the object of the bullying will offer a solemn bow to the bully…"