Sherry at Chocolate for Your Brain writes on something she knows a lot about -pregnancy and birthing them babies. She’s guest posting here but remember to check her out at her place. Here’s Sherry:
When you sit in an OBGYN office as often as I have, you run into rookies who have understandably romantic notions of pregnancy and birth, you’ve also heard every crazy birthing idea ever conceived. As a Jedi Master of Gestation, I offer these some tidbits of wisdom garnered from 10 years worth of time in the waiting room of Dagobah.
10) Gentlemen, husbands please, unless you are volunteering to go through a root canal minus the Novocaine, do not presume to tell your pregnant wife that she really ought to try for a purely natural birth if she does not herself actually want it. Women, you were born in a world of technologies and wonderful medicines, take advantage of your blessings. Like I told Padme, they don’t give out extra prizes for biting the bullet, only the actual babies delivered.
9) Yoda Mom says, “Fine Breathing is, epidural better.”
8) La Leche women will leave your room much sooner if you just nod your head and bleat after them, “Breast is best.” or have your husband do his best wookie imitation, it Will scare them off.
7) “Glu”cola is aptly named. But it still taste better than most food served in any of the films.
6) No matter what the fashion magazines for expecting women say, Yellow is never a good color after the fourth month. The styling young Jedi wears clothes that will not recall the form of big bird.
5) Something at some point, will not go as planned. You will feel like a rookie quarterback after the first sack in the first game of the National Football League season; this will be your wake up call to the roles of Mother and Father. You will never forget this first hit, though more will most assuredly come. Welcome to the NFL.
Sorry, broke the form for a moment, what I meant to say is, “You have taken your first step into a much larger world.”
4) After birth, on the third day, male or female, you will feel crummy. Quoting Han Solo, “I feel terrible.”
3) As much as you may cry the first time you catch yourself in a maternity swim suit, I promise you it feels beyond fabulous to get in the water. My own inner critic still tells me, “You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.”
2) For me, as reliable as an Ultrasound was my emotion-meter. If I had energy and could handle anything, it was a boy. If I cried at the schmaltz of a McDonald’s or Maxwell House coffee commercial, I knew for certain, it was a girl. “Search your feelings. You know it to be true.”
1) I don’t care how ethically pure it may be, the idea of eating the placenta is beyond gross. I mean, and what would you serve it with anyway? Even the mitochondrians draw the line somewhere and I concur with their wisdom. There are many fine things to eat in this world. The temporary liver type organ used to sustain your baby for 9 months, is not one of them.
Mother Yoda’s Ten lessons garnered from 17 years of Potty Training will be revealed at some point when I discover actually how to encourage a bull headed two or three year old to consent to such indelicate matters without offering a dog, pony, SUV and a year’s worth of M& M’s and swimming lessons. Then we’ll move onto discussing surviving adolescence and eventually, paying for college. Say you’re not scared? “You will be. You Will be.”
August 25, 2010 at 10:41 pm
That's why I suggested we were "overthinking it". It was a very humorous, in fact made me laugh out loud. I also see the humor in the fact that we have taken off on a tangent with a very humorous piece and wound up talking about some serious stuff. But, we shouldn't ever get so caught in life that we miss the "funny" in it. I'm a fan of your blog for sure now!
August 25, 2010 at 11:16 pm
About #1: My husband and I were fascinated when our childbirth educator informed us that 'in some primative cultures, they eat the placenta!' Because it sounded unsanitary, and primative people don't usually go in for auto cannibalism.
So we did a bit of research–the only confirmed cases of placenta eating seem to occur in the primitive culture of…….. Berkely, CA.
August 26, 2010 at 12:24 pm
Susan – I agree that natural childbirth is pretty awesome. Not always possible (my first was back-to-back, and the sciatic pain was horrendous), but it is great. (my second was completely unmedicated, at home with some great midwives).
Sherry – I'm going to have to remember that line about the Kessel run. LOL
August 26, 2010 at 3:35 pm
As a woman who has had two c-sections, I am so offended by the directions these comments have taken. Do you assume we walk into the hospital, and tell them to break out the knives? I had a very complicated and long labor with my first child, she was under a lot of distress, and I chose to trust my doctor and delivered a healthy baby girl. Birth may have been happening since the beginning of time, but wrapped up in the birthing process has also been death. You may have been lucky enough to have an all natural childbirth, but quit belittling, demeaning, and judging those of us who don't. It doesn't make us less of a woman or mother. And by the way, I have never once regretted the decision to have a c-section. The author is right, "the prize is only for babies actually delivered."
August 26, 2010 at 4:26 pm
No one is disparaging c-sections that are indeed necessary and save lives. However, the c-section rate in this country is incredibly high. Some women do actually schedule c-sections, so yes those women do actually tell their doctors to break out the knives. Not all these scheduled c-sections are repeat c-sections or high risk pregnancies either, some doctors and women prefer c-sections to vaginal birth.
No one that I know belittles, demeans or judges women who have c-sections because those women needed one to save their life or their baby's life. No one here or that I know in person thinks a woman is less of a mother or woman for needing a c-section and I would really like to know what makes you say that.
However, doctors (and other medical professionals) put women and babies at risk each and every day with unnecessary interventions, women and babies die due to those interventions and that is a travesty! Not everyone who has a c-section needs one and just because doctor says it is needed to save a life does not mean it is true.
August 26, 2010 at 5:14 pm
Whoa…hey, hold up, girls….this, as the author said, was meant as a humorous piece, and we have really taken it to a contentious level. Let's just go back and read the post again, and laugh out loud. It was FUNNY!!
August 26, 2010 at 11:22 pm
Kathy – I've went back and re-read your comments and very much appreciate your perspective. I especially liked this: What is important for young mothers is to remember that this has been going on since the beginning of time, without much help, … Accept the process as being natural, and be grateful for the advanced technology and meds when absolutely necessary."
Re-reading the post was not helpful to me because it comes from the perspective that technology and meds are great even if they are not absolutely necessary. My first two births included unnecessary interventions that the doctors insisted where needed and caused us considerable pain and heartache. Not FUNNY….
I do know what you mean though, hey, hold up! and sometimes, ok – many times – I have to tell myself, "Just drop it already!" 🙂 I understood the humor and how if you are of that mindset that it was funny. However, the topic touched on a vitally important subject which lead to what unfortunately became a contentious conversation. It might not show but I try hard not to be contentious in my blog comments.
Also, not every funny comment is a kind comment. Having kids, we have seen some very funny teasing that at the same time is hurtful. I do judge, while recognising the humor, the comment about La Leche league women was unkind. Funny things do happen relating to breastfeeding and breastfeeding advice. For example, a lactation consultant who has a paid position in a hospital tells a mother of five who has nursed for 11 consecutive years at that point in time that the mother has a breastfeeding deficiency because her 34 week-er has trouble latching on. Trouble latching on? Really?!? The mom thought, "Maybe since this is my fifth time nursing a baby and you've never actually done it, I've probably got a pretty good grip on things!" Besides, had she seen a boob compared to a baby's head? I wonder if God didn't see there was a rather large size ratio discrepancy between the newborn mouth and mom's nipple…..
August 27, 2010 at 9:03 pm
Four children, no pain meds, all breast fed. Wouldn't change a thing.
August 28, 2010 at 3:01 am
What a lovely, tongue in cheek look at pregnancy and childbirth as we know it…yes, whilst it is a highly contentious issue and there are stories, both positive and negative, from all walks of life where there has been pain relief or not, it is still highly amusing to look at things from a lighter angle for a change…just for the record, my 3 children were all born naturally without need for medical intervention and pain relief, which I am most thankful for, am hoping that when next time comes around it will be just as wondrous a journey…