Dear Kevin Knight,
As you are the editor of New Advent I am imploring you to justify yourself immediately to CMR.
I was surfing the world wide interwebs today and I thought to myself that I would check out your formerly excellent website “New Advent.” As you can imagine I was horrified to discover THIS:
No sooner did I encounter my brother’s face on your blog when my phone rang. I already knew who was calling. It was him. Patrick was calling to brag that his face was on New Advent. Again. For months New Advent has occasionally linked our pieces on CMR and the National Catholic Register. But while other writers have their faces next to their pieces I never have. But this is the third time Patrick’s horrific visage has graced your wonderful blog. Instead of listening to him bragging, I sent his call to voicemail.
I grieved this turn of events when the phone began ringing again. This time I answered and sure enough it was Patrick again calling to brag.
So Mr. Knight, you could surely understand my concern over what you’ve done. You’ve caused a rift in a family. Is that what your website is about? Tearing families apart?
I’ve previously sent you pictures but for some reason you refuse to post my pic next to pieces I write. It surely cannot be a handsome factor because I’ve seen some of the folks you put up there. Yes Mark Shea and Taylor Marshall I’m looking at you. I’ll admit Patrick Madrid is a handsome man but hey we can’t all rock the ‘stache like Madrid.
I’ve said I’ve sent you pics before but this time I’ll send you one with a shirt on.
Mind you, I’m not demanding you put my picture up. But I am imploring that you don’t put up Patrick’s picture without doing the same with mine. To ignore this plea puts this heretofore blogging adventure we call CMR at risk. I cannot work with Patrick acting like a prima donna. And it risks destroying the entire Archbold extended family.
Let your conscience be your guide in this terribly important matter.
Your desperate friend,
Matt Archbold
P.S. If you’re concerned that because I’m a little chubby that my picture may take up too many pixels you can stretch it out like they do at the end of old British movies and Paula Abdul videos.
February 3, 2011 at 9:20 pm
Hahaha!
February 3, 2011 at 9:20 pm
I cannot remember the last time I've laughed so hard. With a house full of sick kiddos that is quite a gift. Know that I'm rooting for you and that magnificent mug of yours! 😉
February 3, 2011 at 9:27 pm
Its because your photo would be mistaken for Lon Chaney's Quasimodo.
February 3, 2011 at 9:30 pm
You see. Witness for yourself CMR readers the meanness and vile nature of Patrick.
February 3, 2011 at 10:06 pm
I can't help that I'm beautiful. It's a gift and a curse.
February 3, 2011 at 10:16 pm
LSHIPMP
LSHDCSOMN
My first double.
February 4, 2011 at 12:17 am
Maybe you should start a Facebook group like the one that got Betty White to host "Saturday Night Live." Or you can start a Facebook group to get you to host "Saturday Night Live" and then not let New Advent use your picture when you're famous.
February 4, 2011 at 12:39 am
I'd be grateful if New Advent would even link to one of my articles. Apparently their "quality filter" is set way too high.
February 4, 2011 at 1:08 am
BTW, did you get their CD? Perhaps Patrick got a dozen for Christmas gifts. Just wondering.
Cfr. their ad that states: "The full contents of the New Advent website are available on CD-ROM. It includes the Catholic Encyclopedia, Church Fathers, Summa, Bible and more — and it's only $23.99, with free shipping worldwide…"
February 4, 2011 at 1:42 am
I see that Pat didn't send the horrendous photo from NCR. You know, the one where he's wearing the gigantic '70's white collar and ugly green sweater. Maybe that's why Kevin decided to use it. Matt, I'll take a good picture of you that Kevin would be happy to run.
February 4, 2011 at 1:51 am
Dude – they even put my ugly mug up once in a while. Kevin Knight is my hero. You got a problem with that?
February 4, 2011 at 2:00 am
Love the Paula Abdul reference. Way too funny.
February 4, 2011 at 3:43 pm
I'm impressed that two brothers are actually both in the running to get their grins on New Advent.
Their mum and dad must have done something right.
February 4, 2011 at 6:24 pm
Is that all you two have to whine about? I've never been featured in New Advent, and I'm much prettier than either one of you.
Especially with the hat.
February 4, 2011 at 6:31 pm
So is "Moe" short for "Matt"? Anyway, nice pic on New Advent this AM.
February 4, 2011 at 7:04 pm
Hate the game…not the players!
BTW, I like your new pic over at New Advent!
Godspeed,
Taylor
February 5, 2011 at 4:38 am
Dang it, Mark, you beat me to it! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!