New parents will often ask me questions about how to raise children because I have five children, none of whom are (currently) in jail.
Asking me for parenting advice is a bad idea but I understand what it’s like to have many children and not know what you’re doing. The Bible tells us to be fruitful and multiply but after that the Bible kinda’ hangs us out to dry. Well, that’s where I step in, I guess. I decided I’d like to help other parents by offering the beginnings of a database of fracas’ they’ll eventually encounter after they’ve been fruitful.
Most Common Fracases:
“You’re in my spot!”- There’s going to be a spot on the couch that becomes THE most coveted spot by children in the house. And children, once in that spot, will not eat for days and will allow their bladder to expand to the size of Rhode Island before giving up THE SPOT. I once told my child that she was going to have to go to the hospital to have her tonsils removed and she asked whether she could have THE SPOT back when she came home from the hospital.
So when a child comes running to you complaining that they just got up from THEIR SPOT for one teeny tiny second and someone stole THEIR SPOT should a parent start inquiring how long the accused had been in the spot and what were the reasons for the accuser’s departure? You see, I tried that. It doesn’t get you anywhere. There are too many layers to this problem.
It seems to me that for bathroom breaks one shouldn’t lose title to their spot. But if one got up for a snack I believe that implies forfeiture of said spot. But what if they were also retrieving a snack for the person who took the spot? Ah. That’s where things get difficult.
Solution: You take the spot. And the snack(s). And don’t leave until you achieve bedsores.
“Hey, that’s Mine”: I don’t think I’ve gone a day in six years where I haven’t heard “Hey, that’s mine.” This is both common and complicated. It’s a bit tricky because older siblings can essentially lay claim to every toy or every piece of clothing in the house. And we can’t have an official passing down ceremony for every thing so sometimes things just pass on to younger kids. They just do. My eleven year old couldn’t fit a pair of pants past her shin but she got teary eyed when I proposed that the eight year old wear them.
The ten year old hasn’t looked at a Barbie in months but if she sees the three year old with her Barbie it’s like the three year old just reached in and took out her spleen.
Solution – With clothes it’s simple. If it don’t fit it must be handed down the line. But with toys it’s a little more difficult. If older child hasn’t touched aforementioned toy in four months (longer if it’s a seasonal toy) then it may pass on to whichever younger child becomes enamored with it. If there’s still fighting, threaten to give the toy to charity. That’ll quiet them down. The unfortunate side of this is that my children live in constant fear of needy children.
February 10, 2011 at 8:55 am
Great post..as a mother of ten I can so relate!
February 10, 2011 at 1:26 pm
"It not fair".
Show me on your birth certificate where it says life is fair.
"I"m going to run away."
Let me get down the suitcase and pack you a sandwich.
"but I didn't do it."
Guilty by association.
Everybody has a ipod,… is going to the mall… wears mini skirts.
What's your last name?
Fight over the TV and I will cut of the plug. And I did. My husband the electrician kept a handy supply of plugs on hand.
February 10, 2011 at 1:54 pm
"Why"
Because I said so, end of story.
February 10, 2011 at 1:58 pm
Man. You have GOT to write a book. Seriously. You have such a unique writing voice and it is so fun to read, between the anecdotes and just the tale of life. I hope you have that somewhere in your mind.
February 10, 2011 at 2:00 pm
LOL 'fear of needy children'. I had NEVER thought about that side of it before, but now that you mention it – I bet my own kids worry that needy children will sneak in while they sleep and haul off their megablocks and zhu zhu pets.
What have we done?!
February 10, 2011 at 2:41 pm
Anita, that's what made me laugh out loud, too! Living in constant fear of needy children?! Too funny!
Bridget N
February 10, 2011 at 4:46 pm
Living in constant fear of needy children. Fear of the Lord for kids.
Now mine:"I'm leaving home." You're going out the way you came in. Too many kids? OK We'll get rid of one kid. YOU pick the kid. Overheard in a store to a whiny child: "I brought you into this world and I will take you out."
Grandma and grandpa are probably the best bulwark for enduring peace.
February 10, 2011 at 7:03 pm
This is hilarious, but but… why would you punish a child for tattling? Why would it be bad to raise a "tattler"? Thanks to them gangs get broken up, corrupt schemes are revealed, and serial killers are caught. Why this behavior should be discouraged is beyond me.
February 10, 2011 at 7:55 pm
There's a difference between the petty tattling (he's breathing on me! or she's looking at me funny!) and tattling about something potentially dangerous (he's on the roof!). I completely discourage the petty tattling. Petty tattling is enough to drive a parent BONKERS. So the tattler will get in trouble, and usually the threat of getting the same punishment as the tattlee works to quash the tattler. However, both my boys know that "tattling" about something dangerous or harmful is not really tattling at all.
Bridget N
February 10, 2011 at 11:05 pm
Reason to have to clean your room and make your bed, "Grandma said so!"
Absolutely hilarious. Thank you all for having big families.
February 11, 2011 at 3:24 am
Yet another reason why I've become obsessed with Calvin and Hobbes. That's my motherly life with boys!!!
My favorite tag lines:
(I say) "What's the right answer?"
(Kid says) "Yes, Mom."
And another good one:
(I say) "Who's the Boss?"
(Kid says) "Dad"
(I say) "Who's in Charge?"
(Kid says) "Mom"
Besides, with all the wailing and gnashing of teeth in my house…I feel so…so…Biblical…
February 13, 2011 at 9:01 pm
I just think discouraging tattlers encourages blackmailers.
February 14, 2011 at 4:25 am
When we were raising our 3 daughters, they were always fighting over who go the front seat in the car, etc. I finally gave them each 2 dfays a week. The youngest got Monday and Thursady, the middle daughter Tuesday and Friday,etc. My daughters now are in their late twenties and early thirties and amazingly when they get together, they will still use the day of the week to decide who gets to pick a movie, placve to eat and so on.