CBS just suspended Two and a Half Men. I think they did this because Charlie Sheen admitted he is a Vatican Assassin. I think I knew, I think I’ve always known.

Guys, it’s right there in the thing, duh! We work for the Pope, we murder people. We’re Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be? What they’re not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people. See where that goes.”

Word is that Dan Brown is furious and suing Charlie for leaking the plot of his newest novel.

Let’s face it, as bad as that may seem. It makes slightly more sense than a speech about Libya that doesn’t mention Qaddafi.

Sheen went on to say “The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning.” Yeah, just like Mitch Daniels. Everything is a distraction to Mitch. Charlie’s attention span is better. Do Governors submit to random drug tests?

Sheen’s rant is obviously a desperate cry for help. He doesn’t know that he has struck rock bottom. Which puts him in good company. Mitt Romney can’t read the signs of the times either. He just defended RomneyCare, again!! I don’t even know if there is a rehab for what’s wrong with Mitt.

Mitt, remember, you are supposed to be pretending you are conservative now. Ya know, like this guy.

I cannot help but wonder if Charlie’s behavior is the result of pounds of cocaine or global warming. Some things we can never know.

On that note, just let me say…

“I’m sorry, man, but I’ve got magic. I’ve got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time–and this includes naps –I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.”

I guess Charlie didn’t get the memo about military jargon and how it contributes to incivility. Oh never mind, I forgot that civility is yesterday’s news. Scott Walker Is Hitler!!!!!! Let’s get bloody!!

I’ve got poetry in my fingertips, man.

Nap time. Peace Out!