The latest craze in Hollywood is releasing older movies in 3D. Star Wars-the Phantom Menace is being released in 3D. That means one more dimension of Jar Jar. That’s extra Jar.
Jar Jar Jar.
But it got me thinking about movies I wouldn’t want to see re-released in 3-D. In no particular order:
1) The Exorcist. Thinking that Linda Blair is upchucking chicken soup all over my Sno-Caps would definitely hurt concession stand profits. I’m thinking they’d have to hand out barf bags with the 3D glasses.
2) Misery. The ankle scene freaked me out the way Kathy Bates whacked it. I’d be crawling around the aisle looking for Jimmy Caan’s toes.
3) Anything with Michael Moore. I think he’d be considered 4DDDD. (You might have to pay more for all those dimensions.)
4) Anything with Dolly Parton. I don’t want to duck everytime she turns around on screen. So pretty much anything she’s ever been in but mostly “9-5” because it also has Jane Fonda in it.
5) The Crying Game. The big reveal near the end in an extra dimension would just ruin movies for me. I don’t need that thing floating above my popcorn.
6) Transformers. I couldn’t tell what the heck was going on in two dimensions with all the closeups and shaking camera stuff. Goodness knows what would happen if that lunatic Michael Bay had an extra dimension to play with.
7) Terms of Endearment. Too emotionally traumatizing. Watching that little kid say goodbye to his mother was terrible the first time. I never want to go through that again. Ever. I’d be crying all over my glasses and everything would be blurry. It’d be bad.
8) Borat. Just ’cause.
9) Brokeback Mountain. Obvious reasons.
10) Twilight. I just wouldn’t want to be in the theater as every tween girl reaches out to touch abs and is disappointed. There may be riots.
If you have any to add I’ll forward this list to Hollywood.
January 2, 2012 at 6:17 am
My son works for a company that turns 2d into 3d. I'll pass your list along.
January 2, 2012 at 1:26 pm
1.) Any movie with Obama in it. I heard Hollywood is putting one out before Nov. I can't stand even a silent movie about him.
2.) Any movie about Ron Paul. He's already stepped into the Twilight Zone so putting that in 3D complicates things.
3.) No documentaries about Weiner or the Occupy movement – specially the police car scene.
January 2, 2012 at 1:45 pm
The Titanic, although it may already be too late to prevent that.
January 2, 2012 at 2:24 pm
The Titanic. Because of the iceburg? No. Because it was a stinky film the first time around and does not warrant more money, pr or people thinking it is good.
Field of Dreams. Because no one should want to come out to Iowa to shell out twenty dollars to play baseball in a field of corn. That's what happens in the primaries.
Any movie with a Roman numeral in the title. Those things are pointy and might hurt.
January 2, 2012 at 3:36 pm
I love _The Passion of the Christ_, but in all honesty, I wouldn't like to see it in 3D. I don't think I would be able to handle my emotions and get a grip.
-Theo
January 2, 2012 at 5:34 pm
Yentyl.
January 2, 2012 at 5:43 pm
Scanners. That would be too much.
And Stand By Me That blueberry pie eating contest scene is Linda Blair on steroids. Don't need to see that…
January 2, 2012 at 7:17 pm
I refrain from the theatre, tv, video. Oh, btw, if a person goes to a horrid theatre movie and cannot endure the unendurable, he may, ought to and must ask for the entrance fee back to really send Hollywood a message. "Can't pay me to watch".
January 3, 2012 at 1:06 am
ROTFL!
I sort of want to see The Phantom Menace, but only so I can see the whole saga in 3D. I'm not sure if I can handle Jar Jar Jar….I may have an uncontrollable urge to whack the screen.
January 3, 2012 at 8:07 pm
Great article!!
Any Star Trek with William Shatner as Captain Kirk. His ego in 3D would be tortuous, and I would leave the theater feeling like a non-person. 😉
January 4, 2012 at 4:22 am
You mentioned The Crying Game … consider Boogie Nights. And need I say Alien? And as long as we're talking about scenes with yacking in them, Monty Python's The Meaning of Life is right out … I'd have to sit in the nosebleed section so I wouldn't have to worry about getting splashed during the "Mr. Creosote" sketch.
January 4, 2012 at 8:10 pm
Reptilian. Can you imagine the awfulness of the sorry excuse for a main character crying "But I created you!" before getting squashed?