Rebecca Frech really cracks me up. She’s been guest posting this month and we’re happy to have her. You can read her regularly at Shoved to Them:
Since moving to Texas, we have discovered the “Playgroup” phenomena. I’m sure there were such things in Oklahoma City, but I wasn’t cool enough to be part of one. Then we moved to the Dallas area, and I was asked to join a few different groups within a month of our arrival. I knew I would be the odd man out, what with the 7 kids and all, but hanging out with “normal moms” has convinced me once and for all that I truly am a horrible mother, and judging by the mouths that fall open when I opine and the subtle head shakes when I talk, I’m not the only one thinking I’m a little outside of “perfect mommy-dom.” People often tell me that they could never have 7 kids and do it well. I’m not so sure that I can either.
Can I just be honest here? I know I’m never going to win Mother of the Year. Here’s why:
• I give the baby formula when we’re in the car. I know, I know, breast is best. I just haven’t figured out how to drive the car and get it into the back seat all at the same time. They’re not as perky as they used to be, but I’m not in National Geographic territory yet.
• The baby sleeps with us. Don’t talk to me about studies and that scary story about King Solomon in the Bible. I’m old, I’m tired, and I’m lazy. Not to mention that a four month old curled up in the middle of our king sized bed does more to delay the arrival of a #8 than just about anything else.
• She sleeps on her tummy. Under blankets. I’ve read the mommy magazines. I’ve seen the American Academy of Pediatrics stuff. I’m deciding to ignore it all. Back sleepers get flat heads and wear helmets. No thank you. Here’s what I’m thinking, I’ve never seen an animal in the wild that sleeps with its soft underbelly hanging out there all tempting the lion and stuff. Have you? No. Things don’t sleep that way. Plus, back sleepers startle themselves awake. About that blanket? Our bedroom is cold, she sleeps with us. I need blankets. The end.
• I see absolutely nothing wrong with chocolate cake for breakfast. It has eggs, flour, milk, and butter; and it has less sugar than a bowl of Fruit Loops. If you’d give a kid a doughnut, why not a big hunk of cake? But not on a school day, let’s not go crazy here. We’re not barbarians.
• My 4 year old can’t ride a bike. He’s almost 5. This is Texas where boys play sports. He’s more Ferdinand the Bull-ish. He wants to sit and catch the roly-poly bugs. Our neighbors’ boys were riding bikes at 3. My boy? He’s afraid he’ll scrape his knees, and I’m okay with that. Partly because he’ll learn when he’s ready, and partly because I don’t want to run behind his bike. (Did you see the old, tired, and lazy part up there?)
• I have 4 sons. None of them ever have or ever will play Little League. America’s game? Maybe somewhere else. This is Texas, son. We play football here, plus the LL schedule is insane. 2 practices a week plus double and triple headers? No way, Jose. How ‘bout a nice game of soccer?
• My children do not have beautiful, professionally decorated bedrooms. In fact, the 2 year old’s dresser is a Rubbermaid set of drawers from the hardware store. His artwork is an Angry Birds poster from Tar-jay. His bedding doesn’t match itself, forget about matching his room. He doesn’t care. He wants the airplane sheets, boat blanket, and Harry Potter pillow left over from his brothers’ old bedrooms.
• I let the kids have Harry Potter bedding. Say what you like about the books and movies, the bedding was horrendous. Giant spiders glow in the dark on the pillowcases. Scary, nightmare inducing stuff. All I said was “Don’t come and get me if this freaks you out at night. Wake up your brother. It’s why y’all share rooms.”
• I decided to homeschool the kids and never once thought “What will they do for prom?” It seems to be the #1 concern of a lot of the moms around here. I just never thought that kids who couldn’t date and didn’t go to school would be worried about a school dance for which you need a date. (For the record, homeschoolers have proms, so you can stop worrying about my under-privileged children.)
• I make my kids do their own laundry once they can reach inside the washer. I have other things to do like watching my stories. And, have you smelled pre-teen boy funk? Not doing it. You forget the deodorant; you’re the one who’s going to suffer in the laundry room. I don’t know why the thought of a 10 year old boy alone with a washing machine is terrifying, but it seems to be just this side of reportable abuse.
• I provide all the basics for my children, for all the extra stuff they can get a J. O. B. Yup, that’s right. I make them work. I also make them save half of what they earn and use the rest for the things they want to do. There’re no allowances in our house. If they need money, then their hippie selves can get to work. There may be free lunch in the kitchen, but that trip to the movies with their friends is going to cost them.
There are times I almost begin to feel sorry for our seven kids when the neighbor women start planning elaborate birthday parties or taking their kids to their 5th piano/karate/ballet/basket weaving lesson of the week while mine are poking holes in the lump of homemade play-doh in our kitchen (Who am I trying to kid? I don’t make play-doh. Have you seen the mess that stuff creates?) Then I turn around and realize that all the “privileged” neighborhood kids are hanging out over here because it turns out that I’m the only mom who allows light saber battles on the stairs, and am willing to throw on a cape and be the creepy emperor. (Bonus that I know that his name is Palpatine!) I let the girls come in and use my nail polish and don’t mind when they get it coated all the way up to their elbows. I may not be the best mom around these parts, but my kids seem to like me just fine. At least they’re not asking to move out this week, and that counts as a win to me!
April 12, 2012 at 5:20 am
Great!
April 12, 2012 at 9:17 am
You think pre-teen funk is bad? My son invented sweat socks that are damp and crispy at the same time. He's a genius.
April 12, 2012 at 1:11 pm
I have been parenting long enough – 11 kids, 24-4 yrs. – that I have been through three rounds of back is best, tummy is tender sleeping advice. What I have learned is that babies knows best and I have had both back and tummy sleepers. Our last (probably for real) managed to stay on his side, squished btwn Dad and I helped but there you go….
And chocolate cake – listen to Bill Cosby's take on that some time (and any of his stuff) and laugh, laugh, laugh…
April 12, 2012 at 1:31 pm
Sounds like my kind of people! I have 3 kids, now grown, but this is the kind of stuff I let my kids do.
An interesting point, a friend of mine, a physics teacher, told me that kids who are allowed to be kids like this are better at figuring out how things work and how to solve problems.
April 12, 2012 at 1:40 pm
I'm a married dad of 3 – ages 20, 10, and 7. Even with just 3 kids the disparity between the first one and the last one is amazing. With the first one we thought everything had to be perfect. I was raised in a much less structured environment ( but one FULL of love) and sort of rolled with the flow by dealing with things as they arose. In my mind being a parent is truly on the job training.. My wife fell into "read a book and become an enlightened parent" trap. Knowledge is great but nothing beats experience. By the time the last one came along she had come over to the dark side. Now her attitude is more like "if you're gonna play with that chainsaw then do it outside". All 3 kids still have all of their original appendages.
April 12, 2012 at 2:39 pm
Awesome post from another mother of seven who could never allow baseball to destroy family dinner time.
April 12, 2012 at 2:40 pm
Awesome post from another mother of seven who could never allow baseball to destroy family dinner time.
April 12, 2012 at 4:04 pm
I also loved the tummy sleeping part. As a 3 month premature baby my son spent lots of time in the NICU at MacMaster, the top neo-natal teaching hospital in Canada. So we spent a lot of time visiting him there where, guess what? They slept the babies on their tummies! Of course they were hooked up to heart monitors at all times. But when I asked the nurse about it, she admitted that tummy sleeping was the most natural position, helping them attain the deepest sleep, best growth and quickest recovery from illness.
Of course she was obligated to say "but we're professionals, don't you try this at home kids."
April 12, 2012 at 4:10 pm
I'm a dad of two daughters and i think I just may be the male version of you!! Fantastic piece, hope you don't mind if I repost on my blog! You are Mom of the Year to me! 🙂
April 12, 2012 at 6:18 pm
I am going to forward this to my husband. I give my kids cupcakes for breakfast on a school day….all furniture are hand-me-downs……the boys (four) swing from island, to high stool, to counter to reach the hidden goodies…..know if that's not team work then I don't know what is. My mother-in-law for 9months, yes, 9 months, told me how much of a bad mother I was because my 1st born son (i already had a 7 year old girl) was going to be mentally scared because there was going to be 20months between he and the twin boys I was expecting. (did i mention I was pregnant 9 months with twins and throwing up every morning). I thank God that He was the creator of my 5 gifts and not others, who seem to think my having more than 2 children is a statement on their option to have 2 children. Tsk, tsk. Glad to know there are 'normal' moms who believe in letting kids, just be kids!
April 12, 2012 at 6:38 pm
Wonderful and so true! The neighbor kids were always at our house (stay-at-home Mom with 6 kids) playing with the trunk of dress up clothes gleaned from garage sales, and later coming to play the old video games they used to play as kids and didn't have any more because they got the newest systems and gave the old stuff to us. We still have them, well maintained. Our kids were taking the clothes out of the dryer at two (usually they climbed most of the way in and, with sneakers flying, threw the laundry out the dryer door.) They had chore charts before they could read – with pictures. Now that they are reaching adulthood, we couldn't ask for more responsible kids.
April 12, 2012 at 6:41 pm
A friend once quipped "With the first baby you're sterilizing the pacifier if it falls on the floor, and by the last, you're taking it out of the dog's mouth and giving it back to the baby. Kids are resilient."
April 12, 2012 at 8:05 pm
I LOVE this!! We raised five boys and I, too, have received similar comments to the I "could never have 7 kids and do it well." Talk about a snarky, two-edged compliment(?)! That really got to me and I shouldn't have let it. Bravo to you. I knew having children and loving them was a very good thing; I just couldn't put it into words so well. Thank you!!
April 12, 2012 at 8:06 pm
I LOVE this!! We raised five boys and I, too, have received similar comments to the I "could never have 7 kids and do it well." Talk about a snarky, two-edged compliment(?)! That really got to me and I shouldn't have let it. Bravo to you. I knew having children and loving them was a very good thing; I just couldn't put it into words so well. Thank you!!
April 12, 2012 at 11:56 pm
Love it!!! Took almost nine years to have the one and only and I was picky about some things, but overall fairly relaxed for having a "singleton". I didn't spend all my time trying to entertain him; I didn't trot him to endless lessons and sports ("Pick one thing for the semester; see it through.") He learned to clean up the kitchen at 10 (taught all of his girlfriends how to do so); laundry not long after; dusting; sweeping; litterbox, etc. After he got married it took my husband and me a year to figure out who the heck was going to mop the floors now that "the kid" wouldn't be available!
April 13, 2012 at 2:54 am
SIDS or no, my mother taught me to have my children sleep on their stomach because her child sleeping on his back threw up and asphyxiated himself. My five survived…and thrived. Kids remember they were loved, clothed and fed, not whether there are dust kitties under the bed. They are gone before you know it. Just love 'em!
April 13, 2012 at 8:19 pm
Excellent post! I am a mom of seven who signed boys up for karate cause I hate to be outside.
This was hilarious.
April 14, 2012 at 4:23 am
As a mom of four, I learned long ago that kids are thrilled when you take the pbj's outside, turn on the sprinkler and tell them, "We're having a party!" Their enthusiasm does the rest!!
April 14, 2012 at 2:43 pm
Funny! When I took my teen dtr to Home Depot and let her pick out the flourescent lime green paint for her room, the paint dept guy stared at me in disbelief and said "You are the coolest mom ever!" I can't wait to paint over it.