My drink of choice is Planned Parenthood tears. And this year I am well hydrated. 20 Planned Parenthood clinics have shut down since the passing of the Big Beautiful Bill a few months ago.

Ah, that tastes good.

This is Sea World being shut down at the end of a PETA movie. This is Hans Gruber falling from the Nakatomi tower. This is a happy ending.

Planned Parenthood is in retreat. Nah. Not just retreat. They are swirling down the toilet bowl of history and I may flush again just to make sure it doesn’t get stuck in the pipes.

For decades, Planned Parenthood’s have been these soulless concrete death centers, emplying sadists and blue haired feminisim majors. While wielding scalpels and vaccuums they’ve claimed to be the real victims of the culture war because something octagenarian prayed near the front sidewalk and prayed for their conversion.

While claiming the entire time to care about women, they pulled young children apart and assemble them on a tray to make sure they got it all. They call themselves a clinic. They are an altar, an altar where the ultimate sacrifice is made daily to demons that whisper lies about “freedom” and “empowerment.”

And if they cared about women, why didn’t they ever offer mental health follow ups for women who felt guilty. Why? Because then they’d have to admit there was something to feel guilty about.

They only want you to SHOUT YOUR ABORTION.

Well, I’m going to SHOUT Abortion Clinic Closures.

Yeah, I’m a dude cheering on abortion clinic closures. I know your rules say I’m not allowed to have an opinion but hey, you can’t even decide on what a man or woman is soooooo…my time even considering anything you have to say expired in like 2012 after you compared Mitt Romney to Hitler.

For decades, Planned Parenthood performed abominations for money. And then they demanded taxpayer money for it. And they received it from the feds, from the state, and from USAID.

Well, President Trump heavily curtailed USAID’s funding and Planned Parenthood is missing millions that it was receiving from them on the sly.

Gimme’ another cup full of those tasty Planned Parenthood tears, will ya’. I’m thirsty for some schadenfreude.

And then came along the Big Beautiful Bill which cut off abortuaries from Medicaid payments.

OOOOOOooooooooof.

Fill me up another one. Can you get drunk on this stuff? I’m feeeeeeeeeelllling gooooooooooooood!!!!!!


The worst part was…wait…the worst part is decapitating human beings in the womb. But another really irritating part of all this was that we were told that yes, millions of dollars were going to Planned Parenthood but none of it was going to abortion.

Wait. What?

Math ain’t that hard.

And we had to listen to PP spokespeople on television explaining to us in that faux-concerned tone that abortion was actually medical care and it’s actually Christian to support them.

Yeah, sure medical care with a body count. Most other medical care puts death in the loss column, bozos. Death isn’t supposed to be the goal.

Every time a Planned Parenthood register dings, a demon grows a tooth.

And seriously, watching these people on news programs was just vomitous. The way they lectured us about caring for women was like watching an apex predator explain away why the gazelles not only need to be eaten but they’d want to be if they had as much wisdom and empathy as the thing grinning at me through the television with carniverous delight.

I hope they tear every damn one down and replace them with adoration chapels where we can all beg for forgiveness from God.

So let’s raise a glass of Planned Parenthood tears, which smells like emptied bank accounts and rusty scalpels. Let’s drink to their demise. May they go the way of Blockbuster.