Wow! What an exciting first round! Blowouts, close matches, and some surprising upsets. See below for the a round up of first round action!

Pelosi over Penn. Post game Pelosi credited her victory to preparation, “I won because I was more ardent and did more practicing!”

Octomom over Moore. In this battle between heavyweights, Octomom pulled it out with an eight pointer at the buzzer.

Barack Obama over Barr. Number one seed Obama struggled a bit in the first half until they brought the teleprompter in, but then finished strong. Keep an eye on him.

Soros over Reid – This one was a blowout. Aides to Reid suggest that he had to let his boss win.

Biden over Nickelback – Nickelback never stood a chance, Biden kept “plugging” up the lane!

Matthews over Time – Rumor has it Matthews overcame some odd tingling in his leg in first half. Not sure how he won, no one was watching.

Hitchens over Dawkins. – Chris Hitchens didn’t know who to thank after the game and so just went out and got drunk(er).

Kmiec over Olberman – In a stunning upset Kmiec triumphed over the favorite Olberman by convincing him that they were on the same team and then betraying him in the end. Olberman admitted that Cornell agricultural didn’t have much of a team when he was a starter.

Bill Maher over Bill Maher – A closely matched contest that resulted in both sides calling each other @#$#%.

Oprah over Tattoo Barbie. Tattoo Barbie came down with a venereal disease. Went on Oprah and cried. Oprah gave her a new convertible that Tattoo Barbie sold for drugs.

Sharpton over Terrell Owens – Shaprton said postgame, “If you tawana win, you gotta do what you gotta do!”

Janet Jackson over Michael Jackson – A close match in which both teams disgusted all the fans but Janet managed to “nip” him at the end.

Byrd over Jermaine Jackson – Klutch play Klinches Kontest for Byrd while media ignores flagrant fouls!

Barney Frank over Dodd – An exuberant Frank said after the game, “I know alot of people thought I would go down and it was tight in the end, but I managed to pull it out!”

Dan Brown overGeorge Lucas – Lucas said, “I was sorry to lose in the first round, but that is better than playing well at the beginning but then blowing it in the last three games.”

J. J. Binks over Winehouse – Winehouse won on points but failed the mandatory drug test. Binks said, “Missa Missa, that @#$% is crazy!”

ACLU over Bill Clinton – Bill played hard but ended up irrelevant.

Hillary over Kung. Wow. Hillary finally won a primary!

Peter Singer over David Duke. Duke was winning when he suddenly expired after drinking his gatorade. Singer, now under investigation, was quoted as saying Duke was a drain on the system anyway.

Specter over Carville. Although behind most of the game and with most fans against him, the wily veteran Specter still managed to win.

Spears over Patterson. ‘Nuff said.

Alec Baldwin over Sarandon. Eeeewwwww.

O’Reilly over LiLo. This one was a blowout. Lohan showed up drunk, got into a fight with her girlfriend, and hit on a guy in the third row.

Ron Howard over Bp. Williamson. When asked why he lost, Bp. Williamson just denied it ever happened.

Michael Steele over Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen never showed up so for lack of a better option, they gave it to Steele.

Clooney over Mariah Carey. Carey was disqualified at beginning of the game. She said “I thought play ball meant something completely different”

Vox Nova over Ronstadt. Vox Nova won after picking which rules in the rulebook they would actually obey.

VOTF over Huffington. Huffington loses big. Claims she inherited the point deficit from Bush.

Trump over Bolton. In the battle of the bad hair, Trump triumphs.

The View over Garafolo. Three nasty biddies will always beat one.

Markos over Trans Fat Nazis. Trans fat nazis couldn’t finish the game due to health reasons.

Update – March To Madness – The Creep 16