(Several Years from now…)

Dear Grandma,

I am writing you this email from my blackberry. I have been standing online here at the Department of Health and Human Services appeals office for the last 3 hours. My feet are killing me. I can’t believe I am missing the Hanson reunion tour just so I can try for the fifth time to get the government to pay for your pain medication. It didn’t work the first four times and it isn’t going to work this time.

You know how I know this is pointless? There is a guy on line with me who has a tumor the size of a grapefruit on his knee. He said it was only the size of a tennis ball the first time he applied to have it removed but since it is benign it is deemed elective / cosmetic surgery and so he was denied. The guy in front of him pulled out seven teeth with his own pliers because there are no dentists left in Pennsylvania, they all moved to the Republic of Texas where you can still make money as a dentist.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I mean I appreciate you giving birth to my Mom and all and for taking me in when she died of small pox, but that was then and this is now. There is a very nice lady here handing out pamphlets about a place called the Sebelius Home for the Soon to be Dying. It looks very nice. I know you are not technically dying since the pain medication is only for arthritis but let’s face it, its only downhill from here and as the lady reminded me that can get very expensive.

Anyway, this nice lady said that when you arrive at Sebelius that they treat you with great dignity. Dignity is good, right? She said they give you a nice meal, some nice medicine to relax you (apparently they can get all the medicine they need!), and then they take you to a nice room where you can get cleaned up.

The reason I am writing all this on my blackberry is that I signed you up for the program. Right now there are some men in a van on the way over to pick you up. It is amazing how efficient the government can be sometimes, huh? Anyway, they should be there soon. Don’t worry, the lady assured me that transportation to Sebelius is absolutely free. They didn’t mention anything about the ride back but we will cross that bridge when we come to it. Oh, and they said you don’t need to pack anything.

Anyway, have a great time and thanks for everything. I am going to try and see if I can still make the Hanson concert at Biden Hall in Scranton. I hope you feel better.

Later,
Johnny