I have been studiously checking the diocesan reactions to Pope Benedict’s motu proprio on the Extraordinary Form of the Roman Rite. The statements that have been issued have been interesting, to say the least. However, one cannot help but notice that most bishops and dioceses have had no reaction whatsoever. I could not help but wonder if these overworked shepherds were so busy settling lawsuits, that they just couldn’t find the time to write a press release. Since today we heard the parable of the good Samaritan at mass, I could not walk by when our leaders need our help. So, in order to help out the bishops the best way I can, I have prepared a press release template. All they need do is insert their names and diocese and print. Please see attached.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Most Reverend [insert bishop’s name], S.T.D, S.S.L. S.T.B. Th.D, Ph.D, S.O.B. Bishop of [insert name of diocese], issued the following statement on July X, 2007 regarding Pope Benedict XVI’s apostolic letter “Summorum Pontificum”:

The recent apostolic letter of Pope Benedict XVI on widening the use of the liturgical books of 1962 is prompted exclusively by his desire to reach out to those wild-eyed schismatics because of their non-acceptance Vatican II as the complete break with the past it was intended to be.

The Second Vatican Council, the best ecumenical council of the Church we ever had, mandated that Latin and all those who know it, were to be banned from the church. However, despite all reason Pope Benedict, hyper-sensitive to those still obdurately holding onto the past and the liturgical rites prior to Vatican II, now grants a more generous application of that former liturgy.

Since the Diocese of [insert name of diocese here] already permits the celebration of the archaic Tridentine Mass in two locations, Saint Dismas chapel located in the basement of the state penitentiary and St. Isidore The Ploughman Parish every 7th Wednesday at 1AM, I do not foresee a pressing pastoral need on the part of our people.

In the future, I will be issuing diocesan injunction, interdict, interdiction, negation, obstruction, prevention, proscription, refusal, repudiation norms to help apply and order the specifics of the pope’s letter. Priests who might foolishly be tempted to celebrate the Tridentine Mass will be given a rigorous rubrical and Latin examination. The same as we give to priests who celebrate the novus ordo. Priests who request it will be provided study guides (in Korean) to help them prepare for the exams.

Keep in mind at all times that the bishop is essentially the Pope of his diocese and will need to ascertain that the common good of the parish prevails and to disregard, ignore, overlook, deny ascertain what constitutes a stable community of those requesting the 1962 missal. We must always keep in perspective the pope’s more generous use of the liturgical rites prior to 1962. The pope himself has said: “It is clearly seen that the new missal will certainly remain the ordinary form of the Roman rite.” We anticipate that the relevant folk, rock, Halloween, and clown masses to which you have been accustomed will remain the ordinary form for 99.99999999999999% of the faithful.

Glad to be of service.