I Walked In There Like an Evil Santa Claus

I brought my dog Rufus to the vet. He’s a great dog other than the fact that he tries to eat people and animals every chance he gets. At home he lies on the couch. Outside he’s Hannibal Lecter who drools.

I had to bring in a stool sample from my dog. That’s just weird carrying that in. It just is. I don’t know what this dog has been eating but he FILLED the bag. I walked in there like an evil Santa Claus with a sack slung over my shoulder.

The people behind the counter didn’t care at all but it still felt weird. I think I started feeling weird because my veterinarian has a rainbow sign on the door that says “All are Welcome.”

I’m wondering are there so many gay dogs and guinea pigs that made that sign necessary? And then I think dogs and guinea pigs don’t even read anyway. I’m not sure if cats might but they’re not looking for our affirmation of their depraved lifestyles anyway.

I’m sitting there for like two seconds because you don’t have to wait long if you say your dog is aggressive. If I’d know this trick, I would’ve told our pediatrician this years ago. “Yeah, they’re all good kids but if those magazines out there aren’t up to date, the little one can get a bit…aggressive.” Then we’d brought back to get weighed a little bit quicker.

But I saw Bill Gates on CNN for a second. There was just enough time for me to consider why I really don’t like this guy. I think the thing I can’t stand most about Bill Gates is that he doesnt know he’s essentially the villain in a poorly written comic. He think he’s the hero. Or better yet he think he’s like a Brain Gulliver and we’re the Lilliputians.

Let’s be clear if Gulliver started saying there were too many Lilliputians and he might need to put his stomping boots on, the Lilliputians wouldn’t have liked him too much either.

Anyway, the dog is fine. It took me $500 to learn I was taking good care of my dog. I guess, in exchange for paying all that money I did get to drop a sack of crap on their counter. So there was that.