Headline: “Swimming Resumes at 2 Long Island Beaches After Shark Bites Lifeguard in Chest.”

Me: Um. I think I’ve seen this movie.

Related Headline: Long Island shark attack: Beaches reopen with drones on patrol.

Related snark: It’ll be nice to know that my grisly death will be recorded via drone. Now, if you tell me that the drone is equipped with anti-shark missiles then I might go back into the water. But until then…