Ok, it is official. The Pope will be visiting the States in April. As a public service offered to the Ordinary Minister of the Media, I am compiling all the likely headlines they are likely to print. This is intended to save them time in thinking up their own lame headlines.

Please feel free to use any combination of the following.

Pope to Visit U.S. :

Pick a Crisis
Amid Priest Sexual Scandal
Amid Dwindling Church Attendance

Pick a Progressive Pet Peeve
Amid Calls for Married Priests
Amid Calls for Female Ordination
Amid Calls for Condoms

Pick A Liberal Agenda Item
Calls for Pope to Address Global Warming
Calls for Pope to Address Immigration Reform
Calls for Pope to Demand End to War on Terror

Please Note: Newsweek, Time, or any other national weekly should run a cover story entitled “The Changing face of Catholicism” This article should explain that Catholicism in the U.S. is only propped up by immigration and that second and third generation immigrants largely ignore the church. Therefore the Church is doomed unless they allow condom wearing married gay female priests of course. (You figure it out!)