January 20 – (Washington D.C.) An alarming outbreak of a mysterious disease has health officials puzzled. Emergency rooms around the Capitol and across the country are being visited by thousands of people who are reporting alarming “leg tingles” which started around 12:15 p.m. today.
The CDC is investigating an unnerving strand of “leg tingle-itis” which is sweeping across the country. Some CDC officials are investigating reports that the original victim of this epidemic could be a news anchor who reported the symptoms months ago.”
A CDC official said, “If anyone has heard of this Chris Matthews on a network nobody’s ever heard of called MS-something or other please contact the Center for Disease Control.”
They say Matthews may be the Typhoid Mary of leg-tingle-itis and are concerned that the disease may have already spread to 52 percent of the population. But some health officials seem to believe it’s hitting journalists particularly hard. David Gregory of Meet the Press needed to be rolled into the emergency room while Keith Olbermann has reported that the tingles have spread over his entire body and he’s soiled himself thrice.
Health officials say they’re unsure how long the symptoms could last. “These leg tingles could persist anywhere from a few weeks to four or even eight years. Nobody knows,” said a health official.
Some economists believe this epidemic could negatively effect the economy because one of the side effects of “leg tingle-itis” is the sufferers seem to believe that things will be given to them whether they’ve earned them or not.
And almost to a person they each seem to believe the world is getting better every second for no apparent reason. Each sufferer also seem to suffer mostly upon hearing cliches. One study showed that uttering such cliches as “choosing hope over fear” led to a renewed outbreak.
Doctors are saying that for now the only thing which has shown signs of alleviating symptoms is “getting a life.”