══ 1 ══
Feeding On The (Not So) Dead

Just when you thought the world was just about as deadly as it could get, NBC reports:

State police say a turkey vulture injured a passenger when it crashed through a minivan’s windshield Friday.

The bird crashed into a red Dodge Caravan at about 8:15 a.m. on Interstate 80 in Parsippany. It whopped 32-year-old Vanessa Hurtado in the face, causing minor cuts. Shards of glass got caught in her eye.

The turkey vulture landed in the middle seat behind the driver, 35-year-old Jorge Hurtado, who wasn’t hurt. He told police that the bird was alive for a brief time following the crash; the responding officer pronounced the animal dead at the scene.

This is so clearly bad on so many levels. Vultures are no longer content feeding on the dead. They now intend to make us that way. Hey, the process is new to them and they didn’t understand to wait until we get out of the car. But now they know. Things can only get worse from here.

══ 2 ══

Zombies With Bad Haircuts!

What is a good sign that the Apocalypse is near? How ’bout when things that have been dead a long time just won’t stay dead? Well, if that is a sign, we are in big trouble. Zombies!

Spandau Ballet of “I know This Much is True” fame is confirming reunion plans this week. Need we say more?

══ 3 ══

It’s Electric!

One of the things that is most guaranteed to bring on the Apocalypse is man’s hubris toward nature, like when we think it is merely to be toyed with for our please. No, I am not worried about Global Warming. But this scares me. This is not right!

══ 4 ══
Mile High Portal To Hell!

KDVR Yup. That’s flames pouring from the faucets and its happening all over Denver.

Inspectors are claiming that the flammable water is contaminated with natural gas. CMR knows better. Yup. A portal to Hell has been opened up and it’s in the pipes.

Many of the families have filed complaints with the ” Colorado Oil and Gas Conservation Commission” but I’m not sure they’re going to have a lot of luck battling demons with a Monkey Wrench. I mean, you can stun them a little with one but that won’t make ’em go away for good. For that you need a bishop or Max Von Sydow. (But bring the Monkey Wrench just in case you get one of them Episcopalian bishops instead of a hard core Latin spouting Roman Catholic.)

══ 5 ══

The Seprent Will Strike At Her Heel

You want to know what that is. Yeah. That’s a giant python that ate a pregnant sheep. Yup. Now that you’re internalized that little horror show, get this.
Science Daily reports:

The invasion of gigantic Burmese pythons in South Florida appears to be rapidly expanding, according to a new report from a University of Florida researcher who’s been chasing the snakes since 2005.

“As soon as you know they’re breeding, eradication gets to be out of the question,” said one expert. “Females may store sperm, so they can produce fertile clutches for years. And a 100-something pound snake can easily be producing 60, 80 eggs a year.”

80. 80 lamb eating pythons all over the United States. And let’s face it. There aren’t enough lambs to keep these guys happy forever. Soon, they’re gonna’ come looking for us. And no monkey wrench is going to save you.

══ 6 ══

No Greater Love Than to Give Up One’s Life for Boobs

UK Times A STEM cell therapy offering “natural” breast enlargement is to be made available to British women for the first time.

The treatment could boost cup size while reducing stomach fat. It involves extracting stem cells from spare fat on the stomach or thighs and growing them in a woman’s breasts. An increase of one cup size is likely, with the potential for larger gains as the technique improves.

It’s only a meter of time until they decide that embryos make the best boobs. So then they will destroy babies to make women more attractive to men who sleep with them and impregnate them so they can have abortions? Yeah. This 21st century science is working out great.

══ 7 ══
These Guys!

══ 8 ══

Party Like It’s 2011

We here at CMR don’t buy into this whole 2012 doomsday stuff. We think we’re doomed way before that. Besides, if the Mayans were all so smart, why are they all dead now? Anyway, in case we do live that long, looks like we won’t live any longer than that.

Science News The sun works on a pretty well known 11-year cycle of activity, all measured by sunspots and solar flares.

There were no sunspots observed on 266 days during 2008, or 73 percent of the time. The last year things were quieter was 1913, which had 311 spotless days. Some observers figured the solar cycle had hit bottom in 2008.

But like the stock market, the sunspot cycle is unpredictable. And just when astronomers thought it had hit bottom, it went lower. It has been a bear market for sunspots for many months now. That also means there have been no major space storms, which can zap satellites and threaten power grids on Earth.

“This is the quietest sun weve seen in almost a century,” said sunspot expert David Hathaway of the Marshall Space Flight Center…Solar storms pack charged particles that slam into our atmosphere and, when they penetrate, can cause a cascade of failures in satellites and power systems.

It matters because scientists would like to be able to predict when things will pick up, and when the next “solar maximum” will occur. At peak activity, tentatively expected in three or four years, more and more powerful solar storms up the odds of a satellite failure or a power grid malfunction.

So in three years we’re due for a particularly bad solar storm. So that would make it…2012!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hellooooooo!

5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 …………………………….

If you’d like to add any signs of the apocalypse you are encouraged to write them in the combox. Eventually, one of you will be right.

Posted by Patrick & Matthew Archbold