If you ever wanted to know what happens when you give a pile of donor money to a group of people whose entire job is “finding monsters,” the answer is apparently they start breeding monsters.

It’s the ultimate hustle. It’s like hiring a ghost hunter who secretly pays a guy named Gary $50 to rattle chains in your attic and then charges you $5,000 for a “spectral cleansing.” Except in this case, Gary isn’t a ghost; he’s an Imperial Wizard with a laundry list of felonies and a very flammable wardrobe.

According to a Department of Justice indictment that reads like a fan-fiction crossover between The Wire and a Klan rally, the Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC) allegedly spent nearly a decade acting as the venture capitalists of hate. Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche and FBI Director Kash Patel dropped the hammer on Tuesday, charging the Alabama-based nonprofit with wire fraud, bank fraud, and money laundering conspiracy.

In particular, the SPLC is accused of funneling over $3 million to at least eight leaders and members of extremist groups between 2014 and 2023. These individuals, charmingly referred to as “Fs” (Field Sources) in the indictment, weren’t just getting coffee money. They were getting a steady paycheck to do what they do best: being absolute drains on humanity.

The Payroll included:

A KKK Imperial Wizard: Because nothing says “civil rights” like making sure the head of a domestic terror group can afford premium starch for his hood.

A Neo-Nazi Fundraiser: They literally paid a guy whose job is finding money for Nazis… by giving him money for Nazis. It’s a closed loop of stupidity.

The logic here is so circular it could be used to calibrate a gyroscope. The SPLC’s donors thought they were paying to map hate groups. Instead, that money was allegedly used to subsidize them. As Gene Hamilton of America First Legal put it, it’s like paying an arsonist to help put out a fire. Actually, it’s worse. It’s paying an arsonist to buy more gasoline, then pointing at the resulting explosion and saying, “See? We told you there were fires! Please send another $50!”

The DOJ claims the SPLC hid these payments from their donors because, surprisingly, most people who donate to civil rights causes don’t want their tax-deductible contributions going toward a “Grand Dragon’s” retirement fund.

In the world of professional activism, “Hate” is a commodity. If you run out of it, your newsletter gets boring and the checks stop rolling in. The SPLC apparently realized that the most efficient way to ensure a steady supply of villains was to put them on the corporate payroll. It’s the kind of shark-brained business move that would make a subprime mortgage lender blush. They didn’t just find the hate; they were the Angel Investors of Bigotry.

Mind you, these SPLC corrupt cretins, spent years attacking Catholics, especially traditional Catholics. In fact, they had a whole website to warn people away from traditional Catholicism. They warned that conservative orgs were advising the Church on LGBTQ policies, as if a 2,000 year old organization founded by Christ himself needs advising on such issues. Please remember that when the FBI targeted Catholics, they referred to the SPLC.