To help the Los Angeles archdiocese pay off the “crippling debt” accrued from sexual abuse settlements, Cardinal Roger Mahony will soon announce that his new $200 million Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels in downtown Los Angeles will now be called Auto Zone’s Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels.

Mahony said the unobtrusive naming rights are the best way to ease its financial recovery from the settlements.

According to the March 14 Tidings, the archdiocesan newspaper, from two sexual abuse settlements – last year’s “global settlement” of 508 cases and a December 2006 settlement of 45 cases – the archdiocese has agreed to pay $720 million over the next few years. That coupled with the skyrocketing costs of the Cathedral inspired the naming rights breakthrough.

Mahony said the Church will be back in the black soon enough, after this idea.

A few other “untraditional” changes to the Cathedral is a bowl of holy water which is kept near each entrance to the church will have a small tasteful sign underneath that “Evian” is the official water used for holy water.

In baptism’s the priest might even say, “I baptize you in the Name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit…And Evian, the purveyor of fresh spring water around the globe.

Naming different parts of the Mass including: When transubstantiation occurs the priest will say “As this wine changes into blood, remember that when your car needs a change, Auto Zone is there.”

In his excitement Mahony began looking for sponsors for the the kneelers in the pews but he’d forgotten that there aren’t any.