Here are the Top Ten Greatest (or worst) Halloween Costumes Ever. And I mean Ever. My wife wouldn’t let me put any of the kids in these but that’s because she’s not as cool as I am. Believe me, if my kids had worn any of these to our little Catholic school today they’d be the most popular kids in grammar school.
10) Herve Villechaize! Talk about your politically incorrect costumes. Let’s dress up as a midg…a small person who was a celebrity for a few years and ended up a broke cautionary tale. Look, classy isn’t the strong suit here but if you’re looking for a conversation starter this one is it. But be prepared to say “Zee Plane. Zee plane” about 370 times per hour.
9) You might as well go as the “pet rock.” Fads are meant to be forgotten by most people. You’re different. This choice screams “I was a nerd in high school.” You might as well open conversations with “I was a tenth level Paladin in Dungeons and Dragons, how about you?”
8) Gabe Kaplan? Seriously? Gabe Kaplan? Look, no matter what, people still have a soft spot for Mr. Kotter. Gather three people in their thirties and ask them to sing the theme song. I guarantee they’ll know it. The downside is that wearing it now I think everyone would think you were going as this other guy on the right.
7) The good thing about this is yeah you’re a pimp who probably sells blow on the side but you’re…the good kind of pimp who sells blow on the side. This was the 70’s. Huggy Bear ruled the streets and sure Huggy Bear was in it up to his eyeballs but if someone did something really bad Huggy rolled over for the good of the streets. C’mon now, don’t be hatin’. The good thing about this is…and I hate to say it…but chicks love pimps. Every girl at the Halloween Party is going to want to take her picture with you. Good conversation starter is walking up to women and apologizing you didn’t have a chance to change into a costume. One warning: If you have children who you’re taking out for trick or treat, you are forbidden to wear this:
6) I honestly have no joke about this. If you wear this you’re the Halloween king forever. Even the actor who played this dude wouldn’t dress up as this guy. This takes guts. 9 out of ten people won’t have a clue who you are but the one who does will acknowledge you and then you two can sit back and mock everyone else who came as Sarah Palin or a baseball player.
5) Vera from Alice. This is good because this show is the most forgotten show ever that was on for like ten years, besides One Day at a Time, of course. Here’s the thing, you didn’t go with Mel. You didn’t go with the Flo costume where you’re going to have to say “Kiss my Grits” to every third person. You went as Vera. Mad props to the every woman.
4) Who even thought of this one? Hey, let’s make a costume of a movie character who was a terribly selfish mother who agonized as her daughter died a slow death in the hospital. I mean Terms of Endearment was like Steel Magnolias on steroids. But this one’s good if you’re not a talker because if you wear this be prepared to listen to lots of stories from women about losing people close to them. So you’ll just be required to listen and nod meaningfully.
3) This is good for one reason and one reason only. Wearing this will give you ample opportunities to tell people what a freaking monster you believe Barack Obama to be. Downside -be prepared to get in a few fights.
2) Ok. You’re only to wear this if you’re married. If you’re single go with Tattoo from Fantasy Island. This one takes guts because it’s so repulsive.
1) Look. Not everyone was meant to be Spiderman. That’s a simple fact in this world. But if you’re willing to do something like this you will be remembered a lot more than that punk who showed up as the Rubik’s Cube. If your goal is to have people talking on the car ride home about you, this is the way to go.
1a) This is perfect for going out trick or treating with the children. One, they’ll be embarrassed. Two, you can put candy right in the bowl so you don’t need to carry a bag. Downside is you’ll have to laugh through a lot of scatological puns from people who think they’re clever.
2a) Morgan Freeman in the Electric Company. You know, before he started accusing the Tea Party of racism and marrying his step daughter. And really the main thing to understand here is that you too can start off playing a pimp on children’s television only to grow up and become one of America’s most respected actors.
3a) This is the creepiest one of all. If someone comes to my door wearing this, I’m assuming it’s the real Adam Rich on a three day bender in violation of his parole looking to score some Pez and I’m locking the door. I mean, this guy went so far off the rails that Amy Winehouse wouldn’t return his calls. This one screams, “Yeah I’m just a cute loveable fuzzball but I’m dangerous.” If you want people to know you’ve made some bad decisions with your life, this is the costume for you.
H/T I found a few of these over at Kinder Trauma