Many Catholics are upset about the scandalous anti-Catholic new HBO show called “The Young Pope.” But Hollywood has been attacking the Church for years. I went back and looked up some movies in which the pope and the Church were portrayed. What I came up with was not encouraging.

The Pope Must Die – This early 90’s movie is more embarrassing than puberty. Robbie Coltraine, who is essentially bionically likeable, couldn’t even save this piece of cinematic sludge. And keep in mind that he once even made a movie called “Nuns on the Run” almost not the worst movie of the year.

So my third favorite part of the movie is that the entire premise of the movie is that because the Cardinals were hard of hearing they mistakenly made this random fat American priest the pope. And you might have guessed it, besides being led by hard of hearing Cardinals, the Church is essentially made up of gun-smuggling evil Mafiosos. Oh, and the pope has a child out of wedlock with Beverly D’Angelo who seems to be put in the movie just so that when the bad guys try to kill him it’s someone he really cares about. Y’know, the whole “This time it’s personal” thing.

The second best part is the ending. It’s a liberal dream. After an evil Cardinal is killed, a nun is chosen to become the first female Pope in history (I guess they didn’t see “Pope Joan.”) The new Popette immediately announces that the Church will give all of its gold to the poor because y’know it was hoarding it from all the gun smuggling. And then she approves of priests getting married so Robbie Coltraine can marry Beverly D’Angelo. You see, its all there to warm the liberal heart. A dead Cardinal, married priests, a female pope, and liberation theology. That’s a lot of checked boxes right there.

The movie was an absolute dud. And this is the best part, they actually changed the name of the movie to, get this, “The Pope Must Diet.” Y’know, because he’s fat. Get it? So all they did was just add a little cross after the “The Pope Must Die.” You can’t make this stuff up. Man, I wish the internet was around back then. We would’ve had such a good time with that one.

Pope Joan – From the liberal feminist mindset that brought you the recent Ghostbusters remake came this epic tale of a girl who became pope. You’ve all heard the fable about Pope Joan, a female pope who was a woman dressed as a man. It’s like Yentl but celibate. (Man, how I wish Yentl was celibate! There’s some things you just can’t unsee.)

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