I’ll admit it. I was an X-files fan. I mean, I didn’t go to any conventions or anything but I wanted Mulder to get to the truth behind his sister’s disappearance. And I actually cared whether Mulder and Scully got together.

So this weekend I snuck out of the house for a few hours to see the new movie. I was excited when I sat down with my soda the size of a fire hydrant. I was smiling as the theme music came on. And then…let me see how I can put this: DO NOT GO SEE THIS MOVIE!

X-Files is the most virulently anti-Catholic movie I’ve seen in recent memory. Don’t believe me? Ok. Here it is. (Spoiler Alert) The movie starts with the disappearance of a woman and a psychic working with the FBI to help locate her. The psychic is a pedophile priest who abused 37 altar boys. He lives with other pedophile priests who wander menacingly in and out of scenes. When the psychic gets visions he bleeds out of his eyes too for some inexplicable reasons I’m not even willing to think about other than the director must have thought bleeding eyes would look cool.

Now Scully, if you’ll remember from the show, is Catholic. And we find her now working at a Catholic hospital. Crucifixes and stained glass dominate the scenery there but if I ever get sick please don’t send me there. Scully’s main case at the moment involves helping cure a young boy with a rare and fatal disease. She is willing to go to any lengths to save this child BUT…(cue the evil foreboding music) the head of the hospital is a penny-pinching priest more interested in saving the hospital money than saving this young boy. He not only expresses himself as against treating the young boy but goes behind her back to meet with the parents and then holds secret meetings with the hospital administration to ensure that the child dies. (Mu-hahahahah)

The nuns at the hospital don’t actually help people. It seems their only job is to scowl with their arms folded as they pass Scully.

And then the only avenue for a cure for this young boy comes in the form of….you guessed it…stem cell research. Now the movie doesn’t go into whether it’s embryonic or adult stem cells but it doesn’t matter because our evil caricature of a priest is against it just because he desperately wants the boy to die. (Mu-hahahahah again)

When Scully heroically decides to go ahead with the operation three scowling nuns appear in the operating room window to show their displeasure. We’ve never met them before. They’re just mean old nuns against curing children. You know the type.

Now hold on, it turns out that the bad guy is…a former altar boy. Yes, one of the 37 molested altar boys who is gay now and harvesting body parts to keep his gay lover alive.

I walked out of the movie stunned. My $10 has gone to help the box office of what is certainly going to be an abysmal failure. But please don’t go see this movie. This deserves to be missed. This movie deserves to be shunned.