Archeologists are doing a dig at the home of none other than Martin Luther. Now I have never been a fan of the man who split the Church. But after this reading some of this new research, I feel like we could have been friends, BFF’s even. Here is what I have gleaned.
Marty, I call him Marty ’cause we peeps now, Marty (like me) was not a cat person.
The church has called “religiously irrelevant” the evidence that the peace-loving family used to throw dead cats into the rubbish bin…
He, also like me, was a bit of a tubbo.
Despite the widespread belief that Luther lived in poverty, evidence suggests he was a well-fed man – weighing in at a hefty 150kg (23st 8lb) when he died in 1546 at the age of 63.
Whoa! 150Kg? That is one hefty heretic. He should have gone on “The Biggest Loser: Schismatic Edition.”
Marty in his youth, again like me, found creative ways to break up with girls so as to avoid the whole “It’s not you, it’s me. Any guy would be lucky to have you. It’s just that I am in a weird place right now,” thing.
But the claim by historians which will arguably be most upsetting for followers is the recently uncovered written evidence that it was not, as thought, a lightning bolt which led to the then 21-year-old’s spontaneous declaration he wanted to become a monk. Rather, it was his desperation to escape an impending arranged marriage.
Last but not least. I surmise that Marty would not have much love for Obama’s tax plan. Marty was rich you see.
Even Luther’s claim that he came from humble circumstances have been dismissed.
New evidence has shown that already as a young man, his father owned land and a copper mill and lent money for interest. His mother was born into an upper middle-class family and it is unlikely, as Luther suggested, that she “carried all her wood on her back”.
The discovery in his boyhood home in Mansfeld of a skittles set made out of cow bones and glass marbles also suggests the family was relatively well to do.
Looking at all the evidence, I think Marty and I could have been home team. Well, except for the whole heresy and excommunication thing.
October 27, 2008 at 2:04 am
Oh bad. Bad bad bad, guys! Yet so funny….
October 27, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Mr. Archbald!
All that is common knowledge. Luther was a fat man. Look at the pictures. And cats – who cares! And of course he was rich. He’s father was a businessman. So get over it and convert! You deserve better then pope. Cross the Elbe and join Lutherans!
October 27, 2008 at 12:43 pm
You play a lot of skittles?
October 27, 2008 at 2:25 pm
There are surely better more “biblical” heretical sects to join than Luthers little soiree.
October 27, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Dear anonymous, there surely isn’t better “biblical” heretical sects to join than Lutherans, if you like beer. And besides, we have the Freedom of the Christians. So let your hearts lead you were your mind isn’t. Join us!
October 27, 2008 at 7:24 pm
Ah, yes. That porcine, womanising, Jew Hater that put the Hun in phun (get it?). Well, I used to think of him as a rather well-rounded heretic…and now I just see him as a well, round heretic. Maybe he really just wanted to break with the church in order to abridge the deadly sins down to 5 (eliminating gluttony and lust) like he abridged the Deuterocanonicals from his bible.
October 27, 2008 at 8:34 pm
TJ the day I cease to be Catholic is the day I cease to be Christian. Why would I give up the fullness of truth given to us by Christ for the watered downed humanistic model of Luther?
October 28, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Dear Anonymous, don’t you like beer?
October 28, 2008 at 2:04 pm
What, you think Catholics don’t have beer? LOL.
October 28, 2008 at 2:18 pm
What, you people have beer? Wau, must be the Spirit of Vatican II, I guess. Whetherornot it’s not as good as ours. Ours is confessionally pure beer. Bite that!
October 28, 2008 at 4:37 pm
I cannot think of a weaker reason to convert. Maybe you should try it on Muslims longing for a draught of something forbidden.
October 29, 2008 at 2:37 am
Mr.Archbald, is your heart as cold as Mr. dcs’?