Wow! What an exciting first round! Blowouts, close matches, and some surprising upsets. See below for the a round up of first round action!
Pelosi over Penn. Post game Pelosi credited her victory to preparation, “I won because I was more ardent and did more practicing!”
Octomom over Moore. In this battle between heavyweights, Octomom pulled it out with an eight pointer at the buzzer.
Barack Obama over Barr. Number one seed Obama struggled a bit in the first half until they brought the teleprompter in, but then finished strong. Keep an eye on him.
Soros over Reid – This one was a blowout. Aides to Reid suggest that he had to let his boss win.
Biden over Nickelback – Nickelback never stood a chance, Biden kept “plugging” up the lane!
Matthews over Time – Rumor has it Matthews overcame some odd tingling in his leg in first half. Not sure how he won, no one was watching.
Hitchens over Dawkins. – Chris Hitchens didn’t know who to thank after the game and so just went out and got drunk(er).
Kmiec over Olberman – In a stunning upset Kmiec triumphed over the favorite Olberman by convincing him that they were on the same team and then betraying him in the end. Olberman admitted that Cornell agricultural didn’t have much of a team when he was a starter.
Bill Maher over Bill Maher – A closely matched contest that resulted in both sides calling each other @#$#%.
Oprah over Tattoo Barbie. Tattoo Barbie came down with a venereal disease. Went on Oprah and cried. Oprah gave her a new convertible that Tattoo Barbie sold for drugs.
Sharpton over Terrell Owens – Shaprton said postgame, “If you tawana win, you gotta do what you gotta do!”
Janet Jackson over Michael Jackson – A close match in which both teams disgusted all the fans but Janet managed to “nip” him at the end.
Byrd over Jermaine Jackson – Klutch play Klinches Kontest for Byrd while media ignores flagrant fouls!
Barney Frank over Dodd – An exuberant Frank said after the game, “I know alot of people thought I would go down and it was tight in the end, but I managed to pull it out!”
Dan Brown overGeorge Lucas – Lucas said, “I was sorry to lose in the first round, but that is better than playing well at the beginning but then blowing it in the last three games.”
J. J. Binks over Winehouse – Winehouse won on points but failed the mandatory drug test. Binks said, “Missa Missa, that @#$% is crazy!”
ACLU over Bill Clinton – Bill played hard but ended up irrelevant.
Hillary over Kung. Wow. Hillary finally won a primary!
Peter Singer over David Duke. Duke was winning when he suddenly expired after drinking his gatorade. Singer, now under investigation, was quoted as saying Duke was a drain on the system anyway.
Specter over Carville. Although behind most of the game and with most fans against him, the wily veteran Specter still managed to win.
Spears over Patterson. ‘Nuff said.
Alec Baldwin over Sarandon. Eeeewwwww.
O’Reilly over LiLo. This one was a blowout. Lohan showed up drunk, got into a fight with her girlfriend, and hit on a guy in the third row.
Ron Howard over Bp. Williamson. When asked why he lost, Bp. Williamson just denied it ever happened.
Michael Steele over Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen never showed up so for lack of a better option, they gave it to Steele.
Clooney over Mariah Carey. Carey was disqualified at beginning of the game. She said “I thought play ball meant something completely different”
Vox Nova over Ronstadt. Vox Nova won after picking which rules in the rulebook they would actually obey.
VOTF over Huffington. Huffington loses big. Claims she inherited the point deficit from Bush.
Trump over Bolton. In the battle of the bad hair, Trump triumphs.
The View over Garafolo. Three nasty biddies will always beat one.
Markos over Trans Fat Nazis. Trans fat nazis couldn’t finish the game due to health reasons.
Update – March To Madness – The Creep 16
March 17, 2009 at 3:37 am
oooh, the View vs. Markos…that’s a tough one.
March 17, 2009 at 6:17 am
Jar-Jar Binks took down Amy Winehouse?!?!
That’s quite an upset!
March 17, 2009 at 12:09 pm
I’m surprised ALCU nipped B. Clinton! I thought that his “unfertilized embryos” rally would carry him through. I was really looking forward to that Clinton v. Clinton Sweet sixteen match. Oh, well, with the upsets, my second round picks are:
Octomom: She’ll have her “reality” show soon; Pelosi won’t be asked to spout Catholic theology for 4 more years
Obama: Soros might be the money master, but Obama’s got the ability to shove the agenda into action
Biden: Matthews’ tingling is a blood clot; unable to finish
Kmiec
Maher
Oprah
Jackson
Frank (his quote from the first round was wrong in so many ways)
ACLU (by a whisker)
Singer: Clinton almost made it with her “human rights in China don’t matter that much”, but Singer pulls it out by pointing out that China’s human rights standards are higher than he thinks is necessary
Spears
O’Reilly: able to talk Baldwin into submission
Howard: finds another Catholic bashing children’s film to make
Clooney: points out that Vox Nova is really Division III
VOTF: Trump tries to fire them; they ignore him and claim they can continue to play the game anyway
Moulitsas
March 17, 2009 at 12:43 pm
The Sharpton joke is great. You should be careful because he’s a frequent commenter.
March 17, 2009 at 1:14 pm
I missed the first round!
my votes for this round:
Left: Pelosi, Obama, Biden, Kmiec, Maher, Oprah, Byrd, Brown
Right: ACLU, Clinton, Spears, Baldwin, Steele, Vox Nova, VOTF, The View
March 17, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Patrick,
I just lost $20! I had Bill Maher to beat the other Bill Maher!
Great.
March 17, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Nancy over Octomom
Obama over Soros
Biden over Matthews
Hitchens over Kmiec (close one)
Maher over Maher 🙂
Oprah over Sharpton
Jackson over Byrd
Brown over Barney (upset!)
ACLU over Jar Jar (blowout)
Singer over Hillary (Yes! Don’t just pick the ones you know :))
Spears over Specter
O’Reilly over Baldwin
Howard over Steele
Clooney over Vox Nova
Trump over VOTF (VOTF had their Stalingrad moment recently in CT)
The View over Markos (close one)
March 17, 2009 at 1:46 pm
PS. I was sad to see Trans fat Nazis lose. Few things to my mind have been more destructive that idolatrous and puritanical movements screwing up our relationship to food.
March 17, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Hitchens vs. Kmiec. Wow! I don’t even know who to root for in that one.
March 17, 2009 at 2:26 pm
My picks: Pelosi, Obama (that’s a tough choice, really), Biden, Kmiec, Maher, Oprah, Byrd, Frank, ACLU, Clinton, Specter, Baldwin (that Baldwin gets this far perhaps relects unfair pairings; he wouldn’t beat Time), Steele, Vox Nova (they’re going to the semi-finals, at least), VOTF, The View.
What fun!
March 17, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Octomom over Pelosi. Octomom will be around for a while…either taking up the porn offer or starring in a reality show.
Obama over Soros. The teleprompter will save him.
Matthews over Biden. This one’s tough…
Hitchens over Kmiec.
Bill Maher over Bill Maher.
Oprah over Sharpton
Robert Byrd over Janet Jackson. Is Jackson even relevent in the entertainment industry anymore?
Dan Brown over Barney Frank. Frank can mess up our finances, but Brown can keep writing and ruining America’s taste in literature.
ACLU over Jar Jar, I guess. They are one in the same…aren’t they?
Hillary over Singer. Hillary got the momentum.
Arlen Specter over Britney Spears. This round will further demonstrate how irrelevant Spears is.
Ron Howard over Michael Steele. Just look at DaVinci Code and Frost/Nixon.
Clooney vs. Vox Nova. A draw?
VOTF over Trump.
The View over Moulitsas. Is there any more dangerous and annoying force than The View?
March 17, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Does the Barney Frank quote mean what I think it means?
March 17, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Hey…it’s looking pretty good for my Final Four pick…
March 17, 2009 at 4:53 pm
What's hilarious is that when I saw the brackets yesterday I went down the list, and now I wish I had plunked down some cash. The first round would have given me 31 out of 32 wins! Well, 30 and a half. I had David Duke squeaking into the second round, and I had Amy Binkshouse winning because Winehouse & Jar Jar are the same person (kinda like Bill Maher, only scankier).
HAHAHAHA! I love it!
March 17, 2009 at 5:12 pm
Olbermann and the Cornell Agriculture School. That’s great.
March 17, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Uh, Patrick, in your breakdown of how things went, you have “Olberman over Kmiec”, while Kmiec was the one who advanced.
March 17, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Michael,
You’re giving Vox Nova waaaaay too much credit. They’re not division III, they’re more like NAIA division II.
March 17, 2009 at 9:13 pm
Matt S.
Thanks! Fixed!
March 17, 2009 at 11:27 pm
Oprah! Come on girl, you can do it!
Four reasons:
First, she was the one whose endorsement saved Obama's campaign: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wSelz4Nh4g
Second, "bow down to Oprah, infidels!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmdL4Adnd3Q
Third, Oprah talks about the economy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQL9IKMWIWA&feature=related
Fourth, Oprah does Jackass the movie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CYD2QeDMDU&feature=related
Bonus reason:
Fat Cam: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lcrz3jNITJs
Go Oprah!!!
March 17, 2009 at 11:32 pm
madtv Oprah funniest moments: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-HuyFdoLHc